In reading my story I realize it is just an over view of what happened. I live with the memories every day of specific incidents of violence that occurred that no one else knows.
I can see them in my head as if it happened only moments ago. I remember the first beating of being slapped and thrown around, screamed at and spit on. The second beating was a doozy, he did much of the same for a longer period of time calling me names and dragging me back down the apartment steps as I tried to escape to leave. My body falling and slamming down on each step as he dragged me. I screamed as if I was being murdered. My heart was pounding, my head was swimming and I was scared out of my mind. Then the police came and that was one of the last times I stepped into the police department. The day before was the last day I served as a police officer. My career was over. NO support from the department, just a planned termination. I realize now there was never any plan to help me or help me save my career. I was an embarrassment to the department and expendable as an officer. After all, I was only a female officer who chose to love the wrong person. Forget that they had several officers who were corrupt and committing crimes and violating policy and they were defended to the full hilt. I was not advised of my rights as a union member and what my choices were. I was not advised that I had 14 days after turning in my resignation to change my mind and pull the resignation. No one said a dang thing. In fact I remember my union president telling me I might want to think about resigning. The day I turned in my letter he told me ya know they had nothing on you. I was hurt, humiliated, embarrassed, emotionally spent, devastated, judged, ridiculed and just plane gone. I had just lost every thing and little did I know had not even hit bottom yet.
More specific incidents and feeling during those incidents to come..........................
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Gods Vessels
I have a friend at work whom is very spiritual. I listen to her often as she has given me some very good insight and advise. One of the things she has said (This is not a quote) is if you ask God he will give it to you and pay close attention to who and what crosses your path, you never know if that was Gods vessel sent to you. Whether is a person or thing God will send it in the strangest and unexpected forms. You never know whom God will send to you, however, don't be blind to the gift. Well I believe I have met my vessel's in two women. One from a news cast that heads her own organization and one who heads her own support group. Both teach and speak about domestic violence and that is just the tip of the iceberg about what they do.
Almost two years ago in 2007 I was watching the news with my boyfriend and a story came on about a women who had been stalked and shot by her ex-husband. In the end she spoke about her organization and what her goals were with the organization. Well I remember turning to my boyfriend telling him that is what I want to do. I want to go out and speak to people, if just one person hears me and it saves them, then I have done what I have set out to do. Of course I never want to quit talking, maybe there would be a number 2 and 3 out there as well. The women on the news touched my heart. I never forgot about the story, however, it was put away at the back of my mind as I wondered how I would get started in talking to people. Well......low and behold at my second meeting whom to I get the honor of meeting? The women from the news cast....yep......thats right Jaycee her self. Uhheh!!!!
Let me tell you something about being starstruck. This past fall at the hospital I work at in Detroit Cuba Gooding shot a movie about a doctor who was born and raised in the Detroit area who became one of the most brilliant surgeons to date. It is about the Dr. Carson story. I was not at all impressed with all the activity, nor did I get to meet the actor. I love Cubas work in any movie he is in, I just was not in awww of the fact that he was there. Others who shook hands with him were starry eyed and vowed never to wash their hands again. I just rolled my eyes and muttered ohhhh good lord!!!!! Well when I met the women on the news story (leaving her name out for privacy purposes), I was a bit flabbergasted and brought to tears. I sat on the couch for a while staring knowing her face but not placing where I had seen her. Then she brought up the news story on her laptop and I knew instantly. (I am sighing a big sigh right now) Now I understand how those at the hospital felt (to an extent) Cuba. She is a normal human being with a courageous story. People on the street may not know about her when they see her, however, to me she is a sister for whom many of us share an instant bond. Someone who survived a more horrific experience then my self and others. However, what we do share is the experience of violence and what it does physically and mentally. We also share our survival and new lives as survivors. I have so much to learn from her and the women in charge of the domestic violence survivors group. I have so much to learn about speaking and teaching because it is not just about my story, it is about knowing all of what there is to know about domestic violence laws and all the updates that have occurred since I was an officer. I want to learn everything.......I am so excited...AAAHHHHH!!! I really need to take a breath..... I don't think anyone can understand the thing that builds up inside you, knowing what you want to do and some of the goals you have but not having the know how to obtain that goal. Not having that out let to release that need to teach others and to share what I have been through. Now I am apart of something that I can help me reach my goal to reach others. WOW!!!!!
I have been to two domestic violence support group meetings and I am so excited when I get there I just want to talk and talk and talk and talk....... just tell them every thing I know and how I feel and what I can offer the group and the public. (I think I talk to much and am all over the place but I can't help but to be so excited) I am excited to meet people who understand what I went through and to meet people from all walks of life. Domestic violence does have so many faces and it feels good to be able to bond with these women. Everyone is so kind, understanding and have so much information to give. It has already been so fulfilling and has enriched my life. It has also been a further healing tool as well. I feel blessed.
Almost two years ago in 2007 I was watching the news with my boyfriend and a story came on about a women who had been stalked and shot by her ex-husband. In the end she spoke about her organization and what her goals were with the organization. Well I remember turning to my boyfriend telling him that is what I want to do. I want to go out and speak to people, if just one person hears me and it saves them, then I have done what I have set out to do. Of course I never want to quit talking, maybe there would be a number 2 and 3 out there as well. The women on the news touched my heart. I never forgot about the story, however, it was put away at the back of my mind as I wondered how I would get started in talking to people. Well......low and behold at my second meeting whom to I get the honor of meeting? The women from the news cast....yep......thats right Jaycee her self. Uhheh!!!!
Let me tell you something about being starstruck. This past fall at the hospital I work at in Detroit Cuba Gooding shot a movie about a doctor who was born and raised in the Detroit area who became one of the most brilliant surgeons to date. It is about the Dr. Carson story. I was not at all impressed with all the activity, nor did I get to meet the actor. I love Cubas work in any movie he is in, I just was not in awww of the fact that he was there. Others who shook hands with him were starry eyed and vowed never to wash their hands again. I just rolled my eyes and muttered ohhhh good lord!!!!! Well when I met the women on the news story (leaving her name out for privacy purposes), I was a bit flabbergasted and brought to tears. I sat on the couch for a while staring knowing her face but not placing where I had seen her. Then she brought up the news story on her laptop and I knew instantly. (I am sighing a big sigh right now) Now I understand how those at the hospital felt (to an extent) Cuba. She is a normal human being with a courageous story. People on the street may not know about her when they see her, however, to me she is a sister for whom many of us share an instant bond. Someone who survived a more horrific experience then my self and others. However, what we do share is the experience of violence and what it does physically and mentally. We also share our survival and new lives as survivors. I have so much to learn from her and the women in charge of the domestic violence survivors group. I have so much to learn about speaking and teaching because it is not just about my story, it is about knowing all of what there is to know about domestic violence laws and all the updates that have occurred since I was an officer. I want to learn everything.......I am so excited...AAAHHHHH!!! I really need to take a breath..... I don't think anyone can understand the thing that builds up inside you, knowing what you want to do and some of the goals you have but not having the know how to obtain that goal. Not having that out let to release that need to teach others and to share what I have been through. Now I am apart of something that I can help me reach my goal to reach others. WOW!!!!!
I have been to two domestic violence support group meetings and I am so excited when I get there I just want to talk and talk and talk and talk....... just tell them every thing I know and how I feel and what I can offer the group and the public. (I think I talk to much and am all over the place but I can't help but to be so excited) I am excited to meet people who understand what I went through and to meet people from all walks of life. Domestic violence does have so many faces and it feels good to be able to bond with these women. Everyone is so kind, understanding and have so much information to give. It has already been so fulfilling and has enriched my life. It has also been a further healing tool as well. I feel blessed.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Good Bye
I think a part of healing is saying goodbye to what is or has been hurting me. Memories, distrusts, betrayals and people who judged and persecuted me. I look back and think, these people never really cared for me in the first place, so why do I care what they thought then or think now? That was a real power boost for me. I had told my friend that they don't know me now and wouldn't unless I went to visit and showed them. What was I thinking? Why would I work so hard to kiss their asses still just to prove I am a good person as I was before? I had only made a bad choice and fixed it. If they couldn't see it then, then why do I care if they see it now? I don't!!!!! That poem off to the right of the page titled "Don't Judge" was meant for them and some others as well. So here is another one that is just for me!!!!
GOOD BYE!
Goodbye to the one that beat my ass, raped me and tried to kill me! No longer will I allow the memories of those horrific times control me, hurt me and surround me!!!
Goodbye to the monster and the hold that he has had over me even though he has been gone for many years!
Goodbye to the evil, monstrous man whose mere existence is the reincarnation of Satan himself, come find me again and I won't miss next time!
Goodbye to the terror and anxiety that the flashbacks produced, goodbye to the sadness and guilt. I control those, they will not control me!
Goodbye to the distrust and isolation, goodbye to lost feelings and hopelessness.
Goodbye to the low self esteem and self worth, goodbye to the self hate and self distrust!
Goodbye to the self loathing and worry, goodbye to the tears that I often cry.
Goodbye to those who sat in judgement of me and did nothing to help.
Goodbye to those who stood bye knowing I was lost and in pain and did nothing.
Goodbye to those who turned their backs and did not offer a shoulder for me to cry on or offer an ear to listen.
Goodbye to those who knew that I was falling fast and only spit words of judgement, sarcasm and evil towards and at me!
Goodbye to those who looked past their own faults, mistakes and sins to judge me!
Goodbye to those who really didn't know me and never will! May God bless them and keep them safe.
Unfortunately the memories will always be there, however, their hold and power over me will not. I am starting a new for myself and there is no looking back. It has been to long and I am only growing older. I am finally looking forward to my new future. As for those horrific memories, they are now only that monsters to keep, only his cross to bare. I am taking those memories and turning them into something positive for all to see. I am going to take those memories and share them with all and anyone who will listen. I am going to take those memories and change the laws. I am going to take those memories and shove them in his face and put him out their for all to see!!!! So everyone knows that the ugly monstrous head of someone who batters is the next door neighbor, a judge, a lawyer, a guy walking down the street, a neighborhood drug man, a construction worker, a police officer, a mayor, a doctor, a teacher, a postal carrier and even a legislator, a governor, and a senator. I am going to talk to police about domestic violence and judging. I am going to talk to them about not letting police work define them as officers and humanbeings, but for them to define the job of a police officer and set the bar of excellence and standards for others to follow!
GOOD BYE!
Goodbye to the one that beat my ass, raped me and tried to kill me! No longer will I allow the memories of those horrific times control me, hurt me and surround me!!!
Goodbye to the monster and the hold that he has had over me even though he has been gone for many years!
Goodbye to the evil, monstrous man whose mere existence is the reincarnation of Satan himself, come find me again and I won't miss next time!
Goodbye to the terror and anxiety that the flashbacks produced, goodbye to the sadness and guilt. I control those, they will not control me!
Goodbye to the distrust and isolation, goodbye to lost feelings and hopelessness.
Goodbye to the low self esteem and self worth, goodbye to the self hate and self distrust!
Goodbye to the self loathing and worry, goodbye to the tears that I often cry.
Goodbye to those who sat in judgement of me and did nothing to help.
Goodbye to those who stood bye knowing I was lost and in pain and did nothing.
Goodbye to those who turned their backs and did not offer a shoulder for me to cry on or offer an ear to listen.
Goodbye to those who knew that I was falling fast and only spit words of judgement, sarcasm and evil towards and at me!
Goodbye to those who looked past their own faults, mistakes and sins to judge me!
Goodbye to those who really didn't know me and never will! May God bless them and keep them safe.
Unfortunately the memories will always be there, however, their hold and power over me will not. I am starting a new for myself and there is no looking back. It has been to long and I am only growing older. I am finally looking forward to my new future. As for those horrific memories, they are now only that monsters to keep, only his cross to bare. I am taking those memories and turning them into something positive for all to see. I am going to take those memories and share them with all and anyone who will listen. I am going to take those memories and change the laws. I am going to take those memories and shove them in his face and put him out their for all to see!!!! So everyone knows that the ugly monstrous head of someone who batters is the next door neighbor, a judge, a lawyer, a guy walking down the street, a neighborhood drug man, a construction worker, a police officer, a mayor, a doctor, a teacher, a postal carrier and even a legislator, a governor, and a senator. I am going to talk to police about domestic violence and judging. I am going to talk to them about not letting police work define them as officers and humanbeings, but for them to define the job of a police officer and set the bar of excellence and standards for others to follow!
Friday, November 07, 2008
Ooooooh no what have I done?
Friday, November 07, 2008
Ooooooh no what have I done?
The air is thick I cannot breath. My heart is pounding; it is racing right out of my chest. I feel it burning and aching, my world around me is dark, and I see nothing at all, not even in front of me. I hear voices but I can't hear what they say. I am lonely and afraid....ohhhh no what have I done? I only hear the cry of my son, mommy just make him leave. However, I do not make him leave. My world is still black, I cannot see. I am feeling around for some familiarity, but there is nothing but the pain from the strikes, the pain from the name-calling, the belittling and the blaming. It is chaotic and black around me and it is my fault, he is here. It is my fault he is hitting me, it is my fault my son is scared and sad. It is my fault I lost my career, it is my fault I lost my homes and been evicted repeatedly. It is my fault, I lost another job, it is my fault that I am ill, it is my fault, he now goes after my son. It is my fault is has struck my son. It is my fault my family is sad and concerned. It is my fault my friends and co-workers think ill of me and judge me. It is my fault....................The darkness is still there and I still hear my son’s cries and feel his tears and pain. My heart is weeping, my eyes are wet, yet I feel lost and helpless. Ohhh son I am sorry, what have I done? He will not go away; I have tried and tried to tell him to leave. He refuses to go and he beats me more. My son is afraid and I cannot protect either of us. The darkness is still hovering and looming over my son and I. I hear the voices of my sister, mother and my friend.... yet I am still lost. I am falling fast, spiraling down....down......down so very fast. I cannot get up, I cannot see the light, and I can't breathe. Ohhh no what have I done? The police hate me and think I am corrupt, they judged unmercifully; they cast me to the side like a piece of garbage. I am an embarrassment to the department, to my fellow brothers and sisters in law enforcement. They turned their backs and snickered under their breaths. They judged me as if they were God. They looked past their own sins, mistakes and faults only to highlight mine and make a spectacle out of it. Ohhhhh no what have I done? I hear my son again and his pain, I can see him now and his tormented face, his heart hurting and his voice screaming for mama to “just get away” from this monster, our own personal terrorist. My mom, my sister, my son and Melissa's, all their voices emerge from the darkness. My son, my mother, my sister, my friend, they are all my beacons of light. I follow the light......away from the madness, away from the violence, away from the monster.......I am in the light, but I still feel a haze around me. Life is surreal in a sense that I can't believe I have hurt my baby by not protecting him from the madness, I lost everything. Everything is gone.....my career, my home, my friends, my son....... his eyes are now empty and full of pain.... OHHHHH GOD what have I done? My baby....my heart, my soul, my light, my son!!! He is the very breath I take, the very reason I get up in the morning and move. Yet I have hurt him the most. I did not protect him and his well being. I did not protect his feelings and emotions. I did not protect him from that horrible ugly monster that some would call a man. Ohhh no what have I done? It has been 6 years and my son is still hurting... at 20 he is still trying to find the reason as to why he feels and acts the way he does. With general anxiety disorder, and PTSD my son is now lost. He searches in the darkness for me; he searches in that darkness for himself. Ohhh no what have I done? I am here son, I will not leave you!!! I am here baby...mommy is here......I love you booboo.... follow my voice it will be ok......I am here son I will not leave you..... I am here baby....don't be afraid! I will protect you now, just listen to me.....just follow my voice......it will be ok! Can you see me yet baby, can you see you yet? Don't give up, keep following my voice, I am not leaving booboo I am here!!! I will never leave you alone to be afraid again!!!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE SON.....I am here!!!!!!
Tracie Dawn Renkiewcz
Ooooooh no what have I done?
The air is thick I cannot breath. My heart is pounding; it is racing right out of my chest. I feel it burning and aching, my world around me is dark, and I see nothing at all, not even in front of me. I hear voices but I can't hear what they say. I am lonely and afraid....ohhhh no what have I done? I only hear the cry of my son, mommy just make him leave. However, I do not make him leave. My world is still black, I cannot see. I am feeling around for some familiarity, but there is nothing but the pain from the strikes, the pain from the name-calling, the belittling and the blaming. It is chaotic and black around me and it is my fault, he is here. It is my fault he is hitting me, it is my fault my son is scared and sad. It is my fault I lost my career, it is my fault I lost my homes and been evicted repeatedly. It is my fault, I lost another job, it is my fault that I am ill, it is my fault, he now goes after my son. It is my fault is has struck my son. It is my fault my family is sad and concerned. It is my fault my friends and co-workers think ill of me and judge me. It is my fault....................The darkness is still there and I still hear my son’s cries and feel his tears and pain. My heart is weeping, my eyes are wet, yet I feel lost and helpless. Ohhh son I am sorry, what have I done? He will not go away; I have tried and tried to tell him to leave. He refuses to go and he beats me more. My son is afraid and I cannot protect either of us. The darkness is still hovering and looming over my son and I. I hear the voices of my sister, mother and my friend.... yet I am still lost. I am falling fast, spiraling down....down......down so very fast. I cannot get up, I cannot see the light, and I can't breathe. Ohhh no what have I done? The police hate me and think I am corrupt, they judged unmercifully; they cast me to the side like a piece of garbage. I am an embarrassment to the department, to my fellow brothers and sisters in law enforcement. They turned their backs and snickered under their breaths. They judged me as if they were God. They looked past their own sins, mistakes and faults only to highlight mine and make a spectacle out of it. Ohhhhh no what have I done? I hear my son again and his pain, I can see him now and his tormented face, his heart hurting and his voice screaming for mama to “just get away” from this monster, our own personal terrorist. My mom, my sister, my son and Melissa's, all their voices emerge from the darkness. My son, my mother, my sister, my friend, they are all my beacons of light. I follow the light......away from the madness, away from the violence, away from the monster.......I am in the light, but I still feel a haze around me. Life is surreal in a sense that I can't believe I have hurt my baby by not protecting him from the madness, I lost everything. Everything is gone.....my career, my home, my friends, my son....... his eyes are now empty and full of pain.... OHHHHH GOD what have I done? My baby....my heart, my soul, my light, my son!!! He is the very breath I take, the very reason I get up in the morning and move. Yet I have hurt him the most. I did not protect him and his well being. I did not protect his feelings and emotions. I did not protect him from that horrible ugly monster that some would call a man. Ohhh no what have I done? It has been 6 years and my son is still hurting... at 20 he is still trying to find the reason as to why he feels and acts the way he does. With general anxiety disorder, and PTSD my son is now lost. He searches in the darkness for me; he searches in that darkness for himself. Ohhh no what have I done? I am here son, I will not leave you!!! I am here baby...mommy is here......I love you booboo.... follow my voice it will be ok......I am here son I will not leave you..... I am here baby....don't be afraid! I will protect you now, just listen to me.....just follow my voice......it will be ok! Can you see me yet baby, can you see you yet? Don't give up, keep following my voice, I am not leaving booboo I am here!!! I will never leave you alone to be afraid again!!!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE SON.....I am here!!!!!!
Tracie Dawn Renkiewcz
I'm gonna write some poetry
I have been inspired to write some poetry. I have no clue what style is correct I know nothing about poetry. However, a young 18 year old women that attended a support group meeting stated she writes poetry to express her feelings. I thought that is amazing and a wonderful idea.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Boy oh boy
Well I went to a support group meeting and thought maybe I was a bit to opinionated or to "talky." People have to know that it was finally wonderful to be in a group where others understood and no one was there to judge. I hope that I didn't come off to strong or like a know it all, because Lord only knows that I am not!!!! I just have so many experiences and ideas from both sides of the fence. (being a survivor of domestic violence and a former officer)
I am very excited to learn about everyone and to be involved in changing laws and putting out ideas and meeting with people. I really must put my self out there because I know I can be a great assest and vocalist for this issue and cause. I have ideas that some laws still need to be altered and more strict!!! Starting with an offenders former convictions to begin with!!! If they are a 3x loser as a convicted felon then the 4th in Michigan puts them away for l ife. Not always the case and my offender was out in 3 year when he should of never got out of jail. That is something I want to see changed.
Another law that I want to see changed is the second offense of domestic violence. It says they can recieve UP to a year in jail. I believe it should be mandatory to be sentenced to a year in jail. I believe that would greatly help the victim gather her thoughts and berrings to move on. It would help her get her children to a safe environment and a years worth of counseling would do wonders for those who are serious about getting out of the cycle of domestic violence. That offender who is locked up for a year would have less control if none at all over the victim. I would like to see more safe houses and even half way houses for victims and their children that are dedicated to domestic violence. Half way houses can be utilized for victims/survivors that their offenders are in jail and they need to make a move and educate themselves while the offender is locked up. In the end the women, hopefully, is a stronger person inside and out who will not fall for the same ol' song and dance.
I really want to start speaking publicly about my ordeal and how my choices affected my whole family and friends. I want to speak out about my experience as a police officer and how the domestic violence affected my career and how I was treated by the very same people who were my brothers and sisters in law enforcement.
After the meeting I finally let my self feel the anger towards the police departments and some specific people in general. I was judged unmercifally when I should of been being helped. I expect nothing more from these people anymore. They will be forgiven at somepoint, however, right now I am going to let my self be angry with them. I will work through it and be just fine!!!!!
I want to say hi to my new friends in my group and tell them I look forward to the many meetings to come and any event that we hold or go to.
Ideas are going through my head that I just want to put out there so I don't forget. Things that were brought up....
Changing the Domestic Violence month from October to another one. Excellent idea leader of our group!! :) won't mention names on here....they know who they are!
Having annual walks that are more publicized through the media and get hospitals and other organizations to get in on it! Lets raise some money for domestic violence.
I am not a person to run things, however, I am one to give a task and responsibility to and I will run with it.
I am very excited to learn about everyone and to be involved in changing laws and putting out ideas and meeting with people. I really must put my self out there because I know I can be a great assest and vocalist for this issue and cause. I have ideas that some laws still need to be altered and more strict!!! Starting with an offenders former convictions to begin with!!! If they are a 3x loser as a convicted felon then the 4th in Michigan puts them away for l ife. Not always the case and my offender was out in 3 year when he should of never got out of jail. That is something I want to see changed.
Another law that I want to see changed is the second offense of domestic violence. It says they can recieve UP to a year in jail. I believe it should be mandatory to be sentenced to a year in jail. I believe that would greatly help the victim gather her thoughts and berrings to move on. It would help her get her children to a safe environment and a years worth of counseling would do wonders for those who are serious about getting out of the cycle of domestic violence. That offender who is locked up for a year would have less control if none at all over the victim. I would like to see more safe houses and even half way houses for victims and their children that are dedicated to domestic violence. Half way houses can be utilized for victims/survivors that their offenders are in jail and they need to make a move and educate themselves while the offender is locked up. In the end the women, hopefully, is a stronger person inside and out who will not fall for the same ol' song and dance.
I really want to start speaking publicly about my ordeal and how my choices affected my whole family and friends. I want to speak out about my experience as a police officer and how the domestic violence affected my career and how I was treated by the very same people who were my brothers and sisters in law enforcement.
After the meeting I finally let my self feel the anger towards the police departments and some specific people in general. I was judged unmercifally when I should of been being helped. I expect nothing more from these people anymore. They will be forgiven at somepoint, however, right now I am going to let my self be angry with them. I will work through it and be just fine!!!!!
I want to say hi to my new friends in my group and tell them I look forward to the many meetings to come and any event that we hold or go to.
Ideas are going through my head that I just want to put out there so I don't forget. Things that were brought up....
Changing the Domestic Violence month from October to another one. Excellent idea leader of our group!! :) won't mention names on here....they know who they are!
Having annual walks that are more publicized through the media and get hospitals and other organizations to get in on it! Lets raise some money for domestic violence.
I am not a person to run things, however, I am one to give a task and responsibility to and I will run with it.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
My Story
I added this today so no one had to fish through my archives if they didn't want to . This is more detailed then I ever wrote.
As an officer people don't expect you to LET it happen nor do you as a person think it will ever happen to yourself. Back in late spring 2001 I met a man who worked at the apartment complex I lived in. Had two jobs seemed nice, he had a women and we just were friends. When he left his women in the fall of 2002 we became an item. Never did he call me out of my name or hit me. However, he was very jealous and didn't want me to associate with some friends I had. Every man was out to be with me....that type of stuff. Hellooooooo huge gigantic RED FLAG!! I was obviously blind as a bat!
Well we became so close he moved in around December of 2002; we shared vehicles and everything. One day my Lt. came to me and asked about him. I said why and he said I had two weeks to get rid of him he’s a convicted felon under investigation by the city police department where I lived (I will call it the Bird City Police Dept.) for selling drugs out of my vehicle in the city I lived in. HUH???????? Yea...that’s what I thought all the way home. In love and in a relationship that was a complete lie and I did not pay attention to the so called red flags that were waving in front of my face.
I went home right away, confronted him and told him that he was not welcome in my home and I would be cooperating with my department. I did not want to lose my dream, my life, my financial stability for my son or self over a big fat liar who I let mislead me because I did not listen to my internal bell and gut! Needless to say that didn't sit well with him and thus began the first butt whooping. He accused me of setting him up the whole time working undercover. God he was a liar crazy and dumb....what the hell was I thinking? Must of been the sex. I was embarrassed and humiliated. I went back to work and as you can imagine everyone knew. People think women are the great gossipers of all time. I hate to burst that stereotype bubble, cops can't keep a secret and they gossip even more. In as little as one day my world was dark and I was judged and scoffed at by my peers. I was the dumb dirty cop and people who I thought were my friends really weren't. I could not bring myself to tell anyone what had happened the day before. I can't explain the humility I felt as a female officer who had been beaten. My self esteem took a nose dive and I felt there was no place to turn.
Needless to say not even two weeks went buy and he was kicking in my door and making threats. My neighbors complained and I was advised I would get evicted if this continued. One morning before my two weeks were up he came a pounding at the door. I let him in so the neighbors wouldn't make another complaint. He beat me so bad one morning people three apt. buildings away could hear me. The police arrived and I tried to lie and say nothing was wrong and that he left, but that didn't fly. I couldn't hide it from the department anymore the Bird City Police called my PD. In just under two weeks I was devastated, physically, mentally and emotionally.
I couldn't and wouldn't lie to my LT. They arrested him and he was carted off to the Bird City jail. Before they left my apartment my LT stated they found weed under the matress and he begged them not to tell me. I told them I knew he smoked it but he was not aloud to bring it into my home. My department made me follow them to our station, they ordered me to drop urine (they thought I was doing drugs), questioned me like a criminal, made me fill out answers to questions they devised and suspended me for breaking department policy until their investigation was complete. I was gone emotionally and mentally at that point in disbelief, more embarrassed and more humiliated. They finally found out I was a victim of domestic violence and they treated me like a suspect. My department never offered domestic violence services or help. After meeting with the Deputy Chief, who couldn't fire me untill after the investigation was complete found that I was drug free and had not been using or selling drugs as they had suspected. (my union reps were present) I am assuming they made me drop urine because they had known before from the other departments undercover investigation that I was not selling drugs with him and didn't know about it, all I did was work and go home to care for my son. So they thought well if she is not selling she must be using. I went home and waited for them to call me back in for a final chiefs hearing. When I walked through the door the Bird City Police had raided my apartment. I have worked with narcotics with both departments in the past, never have I seen any one's home destroyed like mine. It took me two to three weeks to clean the mess. They didn't just sift through the kitty litter, they flung the dirty litter across the room along with the filled vacuum sweeper bag. Garbage was flung across the apartment on the walls every where. Had I not been so lost and confused and hurt and alone I would of taken pictures and made complaints. Did they find anything, nope not at all. I say to this day...hahaha!!!!! I wasn't what they thought. They took his cell phone. Because of the weed on him they raided my home and got nothing! He told them I didn't know and they were wrong. Can't tell the police nothing. LOL! It was time for the last chiefs hearing. Did I drop dirty? NOPE HA HA!!!!!! I dropped CLEAN and that was mud in their face. (I told them I didn't sell or do drugs) So what did they want to do. Fire me violating several departmental policies for lying to the other department about the domestic violence and dating a convicted felon. My union rep asked how is she supposed to know he was convicted, no officer can run a criminal history with out a defectives I.D. and case number. They didn't have an answer, only that I should of known. I was put through the wringer for nothing more then making a poor choice in loving someone. I may have not found out for a long time had he not drawn attention to himself and got caught. Him getting caught brought it to my attention. Apparently while at work he was selling weed and making a few stops on the way home. Feeling hurt, humiliated, rejected, shunned, degraded, drained I took the offer of resignation as opposed to being terminated and started domestic violence counseling.
His mom bonded him out of jail, and if the truth be told, I gave her the money to bond him out. (was not an easy thing to admit) God....what was I thinking? Well he was not very greatful because he began kicking my doors and windows in, holding guns to my head and scissors to my chest saying if I followed through with charges he would kill me. I was terrified. NO support and the police departments that thought I was a dirty cop even though I passed all their tests. I was without a career and alone!!!!!!! The hell really began after that. I moved out of my apartment and into another, but he found me and told me he was sorry and I told him where I moved to . From February to mid August of that year he terrorized me, beat me, tried to kill me and torture me. Every part of my body was bruised. He fractured my nose and cheek bone, left me with cuts and a marks all over me, he would spit on me and hang me in mid air with his bare hands strangling me until I passed out and he raped me more then I care to admit. It has taken me so long to admit that and not feel the shame in saying so. After he kicked in my door the last time, beat me to the ground and was on top of me jumping up and down is when I called the police made a report. He had gone but was calling the house when the police were there. He came back threatening he'd send someone to kill me if he got locked up again because me. He made threats of burning me alive in front of my son, you name it he threatened me with it. Terrified I called the PD and told them I wasn't going to cooperate with the charges. I told them I was leaving and I felt if my son and I weren't home he couldn't get to us. I lost a second job because he stole my work phone and called the directer of an agency telling the married man at 3:00 in the morning to stay away from his bitch. Some where in all of this my son thought he would defend me and grabbed my gun, pointed it at J and pulled the trigger. To his disbelief nothing happened. The look on J's face went from ohhhhh shit.... to I'm gonna whip this boys ass. All I could do is grabe the gun and start hitting J with it to keep him away from my son. I believe it was around June 28Th of 2003 when my friend took me to a night club, of course he apologized again and was calling my phone and I told him where we were going. Low and behold guess who showed up and demanded I leave with him. He started a fight with me, trying to force me to leave with him. He spit on me and I had him thrown out. When it was time to go I asked the bouncers if they saw him leave the parking lot. They said he was walking towards the road when they kicked him out. We made it to the car and left. About a mile down the road he jumped out from the back of the seat and I truly lost it mentally. I was screaming, my friend called 911 and held the phone between her legs yelling out directions to the police with out him knowing. She kept telling him "I'm going to drop you off at this intersection in the city at the gas station." He kept telling her no to turn around and drop us off at the apartments. If she would of did that I truly believe I would not be alive today. By the time we got to the intersection the police were waiting and he was arrested. They found 9 grams of cocaine on him. On August 26, I was hired by another police department and he was sentenced to a year in jail for his dope. I wanted the job at the PD so I let the charges of domestic violence go. I didn't want to come in with the baggage of a case in court. He was gone for a year and I was at peace for the first time in months. I had him served with a PPO while he was in jail. I meant business now. I was gaining my self esteem and control back.
By May 24Th of 2004 I got a call that he was released. I had moved to another city and my house was behind another house. You could not see it from the street. I didn't change my silver Honda Passport with smoked out windows. He saw me, followed me and with in a week and a half of his release he was banging on my door and windows yelling let me in bitch.....over and over. I got my gun and shot out the window at him. I called the police and they found him with in a 1 1/2 from where I was living at a hotel room where he was staying with his girlfriend he had gotten back with. They arrested him. Freaky thing about that night was that I kept looking out the window because I felt like something or someone was watching me. My cat was growling at something out side the window all night too. I now believe it was him. He waited till morning when he thought my son had gone to school. I can only imagine what he planned to do with me. This time I followed through with charges and he was sent to prison for Attempt Aggravated Stalking and a parole violation. He was in jail from May of 2004 till July of 2007. I got that call that he was going to be released. Trust me it was not because I wasn't keeping up. I went to every parole hearing and served him with PPO's every year even while he was in jail. I to this day have a PPO out against him and will till they won't issue me one anymore. I carry my gun with me every where and sleep with it under my pillow.
My son who will be 20 and I suffer from post traumatic disorder, we can't sleep at night and if we get to sleep it is only til 3:00 am when we both automatically wake up. "The time the beatings always began." Flashbacks are a common occurrence. However, I have learned to live with it, embrace it and turn it into a positive instead of letting it consume and control me. It is still difficult for my son who still needs counseling and anger management. He hits his girlfriend and she hits him. She is 42 and he is 19 soon to be 20. My heart is broke about this and I talk to him all the time trying to get him into counseling. I will not give up on him, he is my only son, my heart, my soul my everything. I owe it to him to be there for him. I have a lot to teach him still even at his age.
My mistake and poor choice effected him the most. He was just a boy. I couldn't make decisions for my self as a normal thinking person anymore, I was so gone emotionally I could not take care of him and he suffered for it. Children suffer the most in these relationships. My poor baby. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and what he was like before that monster came into our lives and the domestic violence. When he is doing well is when I will, maybe, forgive myself. No body can know this type of pain, the pain of having not protected your child against and from witnessing such violence. My poor baby.....that's all I can say. What I can do is keep talking in his ear telling him to get counseling. Telling him his anger is going to get him killed or locked up. Hoping that someday he will have had enough and do what he needs to do. He has let himself be angry with me and that is a start. I let him know that I am very sorry and tell him it was my fault, he was only a boy and it was my job as a mother to protect him and I failed. He has a right to be angry. However, I also tell him that he is a man now and he has to make his own choices in life and suffer the consequences of those decisions or do the right thing for himself and live a good life. I will support him but he has to make that choice. We will see what happens.
As an officer people don't expect you to LET it happen nor do you as a person think it will ever happen to yourself. Back in late spring 2001 I met a man who worked at the apartment complex I lived in. Had two jobs seemed nice, he had a women and we just were friends. When he left his women in the fall of 2002 we became an item. Never did he call me out of my name or hit me. However, he was very jealous and didn't want me to associate with some friends I had. Every man was out to be with me....that type of stuff. Hellooooooo huge gigantic RED FLAG!! I was obviously blind as a bat!
Well we became so close he moved in around December of 2002; we shared vehicles and everything. One day my Lt. came to me and asked about him. I said why and he said I had two weeks to get rid of him he’s a convicted felon under investigation by the city police department where I lived (I will call it the Bird City Police Dept.) for selling drugs out of my vehicle in the city I lived in. HUH???????? Yea...that’s what I thought all the way home. In love and in a relationship that was a complete lie and I did not pay attention to the so called red flags that were waving in front of my face.
I went home right away, confronted him and told him that he was not welcome in my home and I would be cooperating with my department. I did not want to lose my dream, my life, my financial stability for my son or self over a big fat liar who I let mislead me because I did not listen to my internal bell and gut! Needless to say that didn't sit well with him and thus began the first butt whooping. He accused me of setting him up the whole time working undercover. God he was a liar crazy and dumb....what the hell was I thinking? Must of been the sex. I was embarrassed and humiliated. I went back to work and as you can imagine everyone knew. People think women are the great gossipers of all time. I hate to burst that stereotype bubble, cops can't keep a secret and they gossip even more. In as little as one day my world was dark and I was judged and scoffed at by my peers. I was the dumb dirty cop and people who I thought were my friends really weren't. I could not bring myself to tell anyone what had happened the day before. I can't explain the humility I felt as a female officer who had been beaten. My self esteem took a nose dive and I felt there was no place to turn.
Needless to say not even two weeks went buy and he was kicking in my door and making threats. My neighbors complained and I was advised I would get evicted if this continued. One morning before my two weeks were up he came a pounding at the door. I let him in so the neighbors wouldn't make another complaint. He beat me so bad one morning people three apt. buildings away could hear me. The police arrived and I tried to lie and say nothing was wrong and that he left, but that didn't fly. I couldn't hide it from the department anymore the Bird City Police called my PD. In just under two weeks I was devastated, physically, mentally and emotionally.
I couldn't and wouldn't lie to my LT. They arrested him and he was carted off to the Bird City jail. Before they left my apartment my LT stated they found weed under the matress and he begged them not to tell me. I told them I knew he smoked it but he was not aloud to bring it into my home. My department made me follow them to our station, they ordered me to drop urine (they thought I was doing drugs), questioned me like a criminal, made me fill out answers to questions they devised and suspended me for breaking department policy until their investigation was complete. I was gone emotionally and mentally at that point in disbelief, more embarrassed and more humiliated. They finally found out I was a victim of domestic violence and they treated me like a suspect. My department never offered domestic violence services or help. After meeting with the Deputy Chief, who couldn't fire me untill after the investigation was complete found that I was drug free and had not been using or selling drugs as they had suspected. (my union reps were present) I am assuming they made me drop urine because they had known before from the other departments undercover investigation that I was not selling drugs with him and didn't know about it, all I did was work and go home to care for my son. So they thought well if she is not selling she must be using. I went home and waited for them to call me back in for a final chiefs hearing. When I walked through the door the Bird City Police had raided my apartment. I have worked with narcotics with both departments in the past, never have I seen any one's home destroyed like mine. It took me two to three weeks to clean the mess. They didn't just sift through the kitty litter, they flung the dirty litter across the room along with the filled vacuum sweeper bag. Garbage was flung across the apartment on the walls every where. Had I not been so lost and confused and hurt and alone I would of taken pictures and made complaints. Did they find anything, nope not at all. I say to this day...hahaha!!!!! I wasn't what they thought. They took his cell phone. Because of the weed on him they raided my home and got nothing! He told them I didn't know and they were wrong. Can't tell the police nothing. LOL! It was time for the last chiefs hearing. Did I drop dirty? NOPE HA HA!!!!!! I dropped CLEAN and that was mud in their face. (I told them I didn't sell or do drugs) So what did they want to do. Fire me violating several departmental policies for lying to the other department about the domestic violence and dating a convicted felon. My union rep asked how is she supposed to know he was convicted, no officer can run a criminal history with out a defectives I.D. and case number. They didn't have an answer, only that I should of known. I was put through the wringer for nothing more then making a poor choice in loving someone. I may have not found out for a long time had he not drawn attention to himself and got caught. Him getting caught brought it to my attention. Apparently while at work he was selling weed and making a few stops on the way home. Feeling hurt, humiliated, rejected, shunned, degraded, drained I took the offer of resignation as opposed to being terminated and started domestic violence counseling.
His mom bonded him out of jail, and if the truth be told, I gave her the money to bond him out. (was not an easy thing to admit) God....what was I thinking? Well he was not very greatful because he began kicking my doors and windows in, holding guns to my head and scissors to my chest saying if I followed through with charges he would kill me. I was terrified. NO support and the police departments that thought I was a dirty cop even though I passed all their tests. I was without a career and alone!!!!!!! The hell really began after that. I moved out of my apartment and into another, but he found me and told me he was sorry and I told him where I moved to . From February to mid August of that year he terrorized me, beat me, tried to kill me and torture me. Every part of my body was bruised. He fractured my nose and cheek bone, left me with cuts and a marks all over me, he would spit on me and hang me in mid air with his bare hands strangling me until I passed out and he raped me more then I care to admit. It has taken me so long to admit that and not feel the shame in saying so. After he kicked in my door the last time, beat me to the ground and was on top of me jumping up and down is when I called the police made a report. He had gone but was calling the house when the police were there. He came back threatening he'd send someone to kill me if he got locked up again because me. He made threats of burning me alive in front of my son, you name it he threatened me with it. Terrified I called the PD and told them I wasn't going to cooperate with the charges. I told them I was leaving and I felt if my son and I weren't home he couldn't get to us. I lost a second job because he stole my work phone and called the directer of an agency telling the married man at 3:00 in the morning to stay away from his bitch. Some where in all of this my son thought he would defend me and grabbed my gun, pointed it at J and pulled the trigger. To his disbelief nothing happened. The look on J's face went from ohhhhh shit.... to I'm gonna whip this boys ass. All I could do is grabe the gun and start hitting J with it to keep him away from my son. I believe it was around June 28Th of 2003 when my friend took me to a night club, of course he apologized again and was calling my phone and I told him where we were going. Low and behold guess who showed up and demanded I leave with him. He started a fight with me, trying to force me to leave with him. He spit on me and I had him thrown out. When it was time to go I asked the bouncers if they saw him leave the parking lot. They said he was walking towards the road when they kicked him out. We made it to the car and left. About a mile down the road he jumped out from the back of the seat and I truly lost it mentally. I was screaming, my friend called 911 and held the phone between her legs yelling out directions to the police with out him knowing. She kept telling him "I'm going to drop you off at this intersection in the city at the gas station." He kept telling her no to turn around and drop us off at the apartments. If she would of did that I truly believe I would not be alive today. By the time we got to the intersection the police were waiting and he was arrested. They found 9 grams of cocaine on him. On August 26, I was hired by another police department and he was sentenced to a year in jail for his dope. I wanted the job at the PD so I let the charges of domestic violence go. I didn't want to come in with the baggage of a case in court. He was gone for a year and I was at peace for the first time in months. I had him served with a PPO while he was in jail. I meant business now. I was gaining my self esteem and control back.
By May 24Th of 2004 I got a call that he was released. I had moved to another city and my house was behind another house. You could not see it from the street. I didn't change my silver Honda Passport with smoked out windows. He saw me, followed me and with in a week and a half of his release he was banging on my door and windows yelling let me in bitch.....over and over. I got my gun and shot out the window at him. I called the police and they found him with in a 1 1/2 from where I was living at a hotel room where he was staying with his girlfriend he had gotten back with. They arrested him. Freaky thing about that night was that I kept looking out the window because I felt like something or someone was watching me. My cat was growling at something out side the window all night too. I now believe it was him. He waited till morning when he thought my son had gone to school. I can only imagine what he planned to do with me. This time I followed through with charges and he was sent to prison for Attempt Aggravated Stalking and a parole violation. He was in jail from May of 2004 till July of 2007. I got that call that he was going to be released. Trust me it was not because I wasn't keeping up. I went to every parole hearing and served him with PPO's every year even while he was in jail. I to this day have a PPO out against him and will till they won't issue me one anymore. I carry my gun with me every where and sleep with it under my pillow.
My son who will be 20 and I suffer from post traumatic disorder, we can't sleep at night and if we get to sleep it is only til 3:00 am when we both automatically wake up. "The time the beatings always began." Flashbacks are a common occurrence. However, I have learned to live with it, embrace it and turn it into a positive instead of letting it consume and control me. It is still difficult for my son who still needs counseling and anger management. He hits his girlfriend and she hits him. She is 42 and he is 19 soon to be 20. My heart is broke about this and I talk to him all the time trying to get him into counseling. I will not give up on him, he is my only son, my heart, my soul my everything. I owe it to him to be there for him. I have a lot to teach him still even at his age.
My mistake and poor choice effected him the most. He was just a boy. I couldn't make decisions for my self as a normal thinking person anymore, I was so gone emotionally I could not take care of him and he suffered for it. Children suffer the most in these relationships. My poor baby. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and what he was like before that monster came into our lives and the domestic violence. When he is doing well is when I will, maybe, forgive myself. No body can know this type of pain, the pain of having not protected your child against and from witnessing such violence. My poor baby.....that's all I can say. What I can do is keep talking in his ear telling him to get counseling. Telling him his anger is going to get him killed or locked up. Hoping that someday he will have had enough and do what he needs to do. He has let himself be angry with me and that is a start. I let him know that I am very sorry and tell him it was my fault, he was only a boy and it was my job as a mother to protect him and I failed. He has a right to be angry. However, I also tell him that he is a man now and he has to make his own choices in life and suffer the consequences of those decisions or do the right thing for himself and live a good life. I will support him but he has to make that choice. We will see what happens.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Alrighty then...........
I didn't even realize I wrote something in March of this year. Its hard to find something to write every day. However, I must say that I did renew the PPO. In fact, in the State of Michigan, if you go before the PPO is expired you can have your current one extended. It saves a bit of time and the person only has to be mailed his/her copy. That is to notify them of the extention.
Ohhhh....the sadest news for me is that my son and I have fallen out. It is so sad. I love my son with all my heart. He is now 19 years old. Almost 20 in a couple of months. Well this is how it all began. (if you haven't read my archives I was involved with a man for about 8 months. I knew the man for several years before that, however, he became violent with us in January of 2003 and it finally ended in August of 2003. It should of never happened period and I take responsibility for my terrible decisions that effected my son and I.) It effected my son severely and he ended up dropping out of school and drinking and later I found out he was doing coke and exstacy and weed. I knew he had been drinking and smoking cigarettes and weed. I called him on it when I suspected it, smelled it and found some stuff that indicated it. He of course denied it and that was that. I tried to get him into counseling, but that did not work. I have always been wrapped up in my own issues and life. I was not a good mother after I was divorced from my husband. I did not know how to live life and make decisions for myself let alone with a child. My priorities were all messed up.
I have told my son I am sorry a thousand times. I feel the guilt and pain every day!!!! Not a day goes by that I do not think about him and miss him. Not a day goes by that I don't pray for him or wish that I could turn back the hands of time to change it all and be the mother I should of been. Well I can't change the past. What I can do is change the future and what kind of mother I am now regardless if he is an adult or not. I am still his mother and have so much I can teach him! Needless to say he moved in with my mother an hour away. A year after that my mother left her husband who was (is) emotionally and verbally abusive. My son moved with her and they got an apartment. My son started staying out all night at this ladies house. (the mother of his friends girlfriend.) We had our suspicions about my son and this 42 year old women. We asked, he denied and life went on. He moved in with this lady last summer. Still not saying anything about the relationship. Well I finally made him confess over lunch one day. I threatened to stand up in the resturant and yell at the top of my lungs my son was boinking a 42 year old women. He knows that I would have done just that and confessed. He then said don't tell grandma and I replied, who do you think told me to ask you? I had to advise my son for the millionth time in his life that we women in our family are not dumb and are hip to alot of things. Well that was that for a while until I started getting phone calls from her stating he was getting physically and verbally abusive. I told her I would talk to him and by no means should she let him be living there if he was hitting her. I told her to kick him out if that was the case. Well I spoke to him he denied it. I, at that moment figured I needed a new stratedgy in trying to help my son. I did not argue with him or anything like that. I simply told him to get some counseling due to pent up anger, anxiety and other issues that was obvious he had. He said he would. I did not lecture him....however, I just tried to be supportive and fill his head with knowledge and stuff to think about. I told him if he did not take care of these issues now it would only get worse and he did not want to be 40 years old (like me) by the time he figured out what he missed in life and what life was all about.
Well after several hysterical, crying calls from his girlfriend (the 42 year old) I was finally advised that she was 7 months pregnant. HUH......YEP!!!!!!! I am going to be a grandma. Well she does not look pregnant. Could it be that its because she has terminal cancer and a tumor in her overy area (somewhere down there) and is on all sorts of medication for that and some for pain as well. My questions are simple....is she even pregnant and if so is the baby going to survive with the illness and medication she is taking? I spoke to her after the last episode of violence. (the first one he got mad and banged his head on the bed post and had to get five stiches) It ended in her with her hand smashed and bleeding. (broken finger) That was the story I got anyway. He says she is crazy and she says he is crazy. I believe my son is violent with her. He does not get off that easy with me. I told him at one point I would (as his mother) if he didn't get counceling I would petition him into the hospital for a 72 hour mental evaluation. (He has yet to do it. There were issues with the insurance thru the state.) Well that doesn't matter anymore anyway...and I will tell you why...during the last episode he called hysterical from my mothers not knowing what to do. I asked him if he felt like hurting himself and he said yes. I told my mom to take him to the hospital. He was there all of five minutes and left. I called this 42 year old women and told her he needed his asthma machine. I then told her that he was on his way to the hospital and whatever when on was not working for them and not to let him back in the house. He needed time to heal from the past and present and get his life together and that was not going to happen if he was living with her. I asked her if she was even pregnant. Yes you heard me right I did ask. She said she was and her 19 year old daughter still did not know. I am flabbergasted at this point since they all live in the same house together and believe she plays as many games as he does. I told my sone the same as I told her. Not to go back and stay with his grandma and get his life together. I was so distruaght. All he could think about doing was getting making the pain he was currently feeling to stop. His solution was to go back to her and talk it out.
Apparenlty she did not like what I had to say and when my son went back they had there own little powwow. Next thing you know I recieve these text messages on my phone from her that I am not welcome and she does not want me to come around. I was like ya all came to me for some help and now that you don't like what I have to say you turn on me. OH well. Keep me out of it from now on. I told my son that she was now showing her true "evil ass" character and not to involve me in their dysfunctional relationship. I was letting the "F" bombs fly. That was not cool at all I know...however, now they were pissing me off at that point and the conversations were not at all productive. I basically told him and her that they could beat and kill each other for all I care but don't call me with the bullshit ever again. Somewhere in the translation of the texting world they said I had threatened her and called her out of her name. She then went and made a threats report with the police. Im happy that I saved all the texts that they and I wrote. Anyone that texts knows that if the text is to long it will stop you and most times the last few words or sentence is left out. They were not reading them in order either. Well needless to say that after she called my boyfriends phone ( I have been with him for 5 years and have lived with him for 2) telling him to get an STD test because I was a slut and slept with the dope man and might have herpes and HIV. I asked my boyfriend what he now thought of this women and he thinks she is just as immature and crazy as I think she is. So do my sister and mother. My mother really can't stand her at all. Not even from the begining! Well after she left that message and my boyfriend informed my son not to be playing on his phone, my man told me to go change my number like I had wanted several days before that.
My mother just spoke to my son several days ago and told him that he had done it now and his support system was gone, I had changed my number and he could not have it. I haven't spoke to my son in about two weeks and it is breaking my heart!!!! I am so sad. My son has never been so disrespectful towards me or called me out of my name. Not even when he held all his anger and frustrations in about the domestic violence.
I truely pray for my son to get better and to make good choices. I pray that he sees the light and we mend our relationship very soon. He is the reason I get up in the morning and take my first breath. I miss my son with all of my heart. He is my only baby and I need him in my life.
Ohhhh....the sadest news for me is that my son and I have fallen out. It is so sad. I love my son with all my heart. He is now 19 years old. Almost 20 in a couple of months. Well this is how it all began. (if you haven't read my archives I was involved with a man for about 8 months. I knew the man for several years before that, however, he became violent with us in January of 2003 and it finally ended in August of 2003. It should of never happened period and I take responsibility for my terrible decisions that effected my son and I.) It effected my son severely and he ended up dropping out of school and drinking and later I found out he was doing coke and exstacy and weed. I knew he had been drinking and smoking cigarettes and weed. I called him on it when I suspected it, smelled it and found some stuff that indicated it. He of course denied it and that was that. I tried to get him into counseling, but that did not work. I have always been wrapped up in my own issues and life. I was not a good mother after I was divorced from my husband. I did not know how to live life and make decisions for myself let alone with a child. My priorities were all messed up.
I have told my son I am sorry a thousand times. I feel the guilt and pain every day!!!! Not a day goes by that I do not think about him and miss him. Not a day goes by that I don't pray for him or wish that I could turn back the hands of time to change it all and be the mother I should of been. Well I can't change the past. What I can do is change the future and what kind of mother I am now regardless if he is an adult or not. I am still his mother and have so much I can teach him! Needless to say he moved in with my mother an hour away. A year after that my mother left her husband who was (is) emotionally and verbally abusive. My son moved with her and they got an apartment. My son started staying out all night at this ladies house. (the mother of his friends girlfriend.) We had our suspicions about my son and this 42 year old women. We asked, he denied and life went on. He moved in with this lady last summer. Still not saying anything about the relationship. Well I finally made him confess over lunch one day. I threatened to stand up in the resturant and yell at the top of my lungs my son was boinking a 42 year old women. He knows that I would have done just that and confessed. He then said don't tell grandma and I replied, who do you think told me to ask you? I had to advise my son for the millionth time in his life that we women in our family are not dumb and are hip to alot of things. Well that was that for a while until I started getting phone calls from her stating he was getting physically and verbally abusive. I told her I would talk to him and by no means should she let him be living there if he was hitting her. I told her to kick him out if that was the case. Well I spoke to him he denied it. I, at that moment figured I needed a new stratedgy in trying to help my son. I did not argue with him or anything like that. I simply told him to get some counseling due to pent up anger, anxiety and other issues that was obvious he had. He said he would. I did not lecture him....however, I just tried to be supportive and fill his head with knowledge and stuff to think about. I told him if he did not take care of these issues now it would only get worse and he did not want to be 40 years old (like me) by the time he figured out what he missed in life and what life was all about.
Well after several hysterical, crying calls from his girlfriend (the 42 year old) I was finally advised that she was 7 months pregnant. HUH......YEP!!!!!!! I am going to be a grandma. Well she does not look pregnant. Could it be that its because she has terminal cancer and a tumor in her overy area (somewhere down there) and is on all sorts of medication for that and some for pain as well. My questions are simple....is she even pregnant and if so is the baby going to survive with the illness and medication she is taking? I spoke to her after the last episode of violence. (the first one he got mad and banged his head on the bed post and had to get five stiches) It ended in her with her hand smashed and bleeding. (broken finger) That was the story I got anyway. He says she is crazy and she says he is crazy. I believe my son is violent with her. He does not get off that easy with me. I told him at one point I would (as his mother) if he didn't get counceling I would petition him into the hospital for a 72 hour mental evaluation. (He has yet to do it. There were issues with the insurance thru the state.) Well that doesn't matter anymore anyway...and I will tell you why...during the last episode he called hysterical from my mothers not knowing what to do. I asked him if he felt like hurting himself and he said yes. I told my mom to take him to the hospital. He was there all of five minutes and left. I called this 42 year old women and told her he needed his asthma machine. I then told her that he was on his way to the hospital and whatever when on was not working for them and not to let him back in the house. He needed time to heal from the past and present and get his life together and that was not going to happen if he was living with her. I asked her if she was even pregnant. Yes you heard me right I did ask. She said she was and her 19 year old daughter still did not know. I am flabbergasted at this point since they all live in the same house together and believe she plays as many games as he does. I told my sone the same as I told her. Not to go back and stay with his grandma and get his life together. I was so distruaght. All he could think about doing was getting making the pain he was currently feeling to stop. His solution was to go back to her and talk it out.
Apparenlty she did not like what I had to say and when my son went back they had there own little powwow. Next thing you know I recieve these text messages on my phone from her that I am not welcome and she does not want me to come around. I was like ya all came to me for some help and now that you don't like what I have to say you turn on me. OH well. Keep me out of it from now on. I told my son that she was now showing her true "evil ass" character and not to involve me in their dysfunctional relationship. I was letting the "F" bombs fly. That was not cool at all I know...however, now they were pissing me off at that point and the conversations were not at all productive. I basically told him and her that they could beat and kill each other for all I care but don't call me with the bullshit ever again. Somewhere in the translation of the texting world they said I had threatened her and called her out of her name. She then went and made a threats report with the police. Im happy that I saved all the texts that they and I wrote. Anyone that texts knows that if the text is to long it will stop you and most times the last few words or sentence is left out. They were not reading them in order either. Well needless to say that after she called my boyfriends phone ( I have been with him for 5 years and have lived with him for 2) telling him to get an STD test because I was a slut and slept with the dope man and might have herpes and HIV. I asked my boyfriend what he now thought of this women and he thinks she is just as immature and crazy as I think she is. So do my sister and mother. My mother really can't stand her at all. Not even from the begining! Well after she left that message and my boyfriend informed my son not to be playing on his phone, my man told me to go change my number like I had wanted several days before that.
My mother just spoke to my son several days ago and told him that he had done it now and his support system was gone, I had changed my number and he could not have it. I haven't spoke to my son in about two weeks and it is breaking my heart!!!! I am so sad. My son has never been so disrespectful towards me or called me out of my name. Not even when he held all his anger and frustrations in about the domestic violence.
I truely pray for my son to get better and to make good choices. I pray that he sees the light and we mend our relationship very soon. He is the reason I get up in the morning and take my first breath. I miss my son with all of my heart. He is my only baby and I need him in my life.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Time goes by
Ya know 7 months have gone by since I blogged last and I have to say I still fear that he will come for me. I thought I saw him a couple of weeks ago driving past my street about 2 blocks away. Better that I see him first and can turn the other way and run then not to see him at all!!! Most times I wake up at 230 or 300 in the morning still. I still take medication to fall asleep. I wonder when this post traumatic stress will pass. That is a good thing to discuss with my counselor. Anyway...I have definitely decided to go back to school and get my Probation/Parole degree. I really want to be involved in that part of law enforcement now. There are so many things that I want to do and need to work harder towards.
It has been since 2003 folks. 2003 since the physical, mental, emotional and sexual abuse. It is still affecting me to this day. It still affects my son. It is a work in progress that needs more time to heal. We will see what happens.
It has been since 2003 folks. 2003 since the physical, mental, emotional and sexual abuse. It is still affecting me to this day. It still affects my son. It is a work in progress that needs more time to heal. We will see what happens.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Conversation about mental and verbal aabuse
Ya know I had a conversation with my mother about mental and verbal abuse. In fact, she has been going through the same thing for years. Her husband has been doing it from day one. He was always jealous of us and mean to us. He then moved that jealousy on to my son as well. He called us names (barrel butt and Orka)while growing up (don't you think that would be damaging to a 5 and 7 year old?) and thought less of us while they were adults. Except for my brother. He loves my brother. I think he grew attached to my brother because he lost his own son to suicide about 2o years ago. Kent is a recovered alcoholic. He was mean when we were little when he did drink his checks away, and his is just as mean now while sober.
As tragic as that was, he still was jealous of my sister and I and the attention my mom would give us. Of course he would deny it till the sun come up and the cows come home. He doesn't want to be seen as the monster, yet he finds great joy in being the devil and causing misery behind closed doors. He feeds off the pity of others. Yet unbeknown to them he is an asshole in disguise. To this day he swears to my mom that I cussed him out before and told him to mind his own "fucking business". I would remember if I said that to him. I never did. He made it up. I think my mom believes him. Not sure and don't care. I didn't say it. He had a heart attack after that and blamed it on me. Yet I distinctly remember being told he didn't feel good before that and was upset that my mom left to pick up my son instead of take care of him. So if I am going to be accused of saying such a disrespectful thing I will say it now........"KENT MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There! I said it! Ya know he was mean to my son and my son was like mom I want to cuss him out and I told him no don't be disrespectful. I told him that grandma has to hear it from him and we don't want her to suffer. I told him that we all know he is an asshole and to ignore him. My son had to literally stay in the basement while living there. Kent did the same thing with my sister as well when she got pregnant at 17 and went to live with them. Why should my mothers daughter have to stay in my mothers room (Kent snores and mom doesn't sleep with him) until she gets home from work? Now I have to say that my step sisters and brother all lived with him for a period of 5 years or so in total. That was no problem. Yet when it comes to my sister and I we are a problem. Well he has continuously called my mom a bad mother and tells her we are problem kids. I said ma.....you need to tell him he has no room to talk with his alcoholic ass. Isn't it his son that was an alcoholic too and killed himself, one of his daughters has had some psychiatric issues and had to stay at a mental facility for a short while and the other daughter has married an someone that is a similar match to him. (Not in attitude. My sisters husband is a nice man, he just drinks to much from what I have saw on the holidays and from what I was told.) Come on!!!!!!!!!!! He feels so low that he picks on my mom to make him self feel better. I feel so bad for my mom. She has put up with this type of behavior for years. Yet I see her as a strong women!!!!!! This is my mom and she deserves to be treated like a queen. My grandparents are and were wonderful people. I see her having the love that they had. So much to give. My grandparents took care of their kids, others kids, their grand kids and great grand kids. Always always so wonderful!!!!!!!! I miss my grandma and grandpa!!!!!! (grandma passed more then 10 years ago and my grandpa is in North Carolina) I can't miss anther family event. I have to find away to go to my other grandmas surprise birthday bash. I will call my sister. Well....lets get back on track.....
My mom....I could only dream that I am half the women and grandma she is! Anyway.......(with tears in my eyes) there are so many stories that my mom has told me that would take up the next several pages so I must move on. Needless to say, my mom split from her husband back in January. He has been on a mission to make everyone think she is the devil and we are her spawn. That is what a true monster does. That was Jeff's issue too. Never wanted to look back and made myself and his other girlfriend look like crazy bitches. We were the monsters and he was the victim. That is the same thing that is going on with my mom and her husband.
Now my mom has left him as of this past January and he is still trying to get people to believe he is the victim. I did speak to my sister about this post and she disagreed with some of the things I said. About my moms strength as a women. She was not always strong for herself or us. Now that she is 60 she took the big leap to stick up for herself and that is a good thing. No matter the age, no one should put up with any type of abuse. During the past few years she has been strong for me and not so much for her self. I wish she would of put her foot down years ago. My heart breaks for her. I still hope I grow old and be half the women she is now in my eyes. My mom and I are one of a kind. I have mirrored her behavior with men throughout my life almost down to the tee. I did not do it consciously either. I did not see it until the last few years.
I am in no way perfect and still suffer from some insecurities and trust issues. But I am working on it. I am not in an abusive relationship either and that is a lot. My boo is real good to me. Doesn't call me names or hit me. We get in spats and he is not always right and neither am I. We work it out. I wanted to stop the pattern. I don't want my son to follow my route and mirror my life.
As tragic as that was, he still was jealous of my sister and I and the attention my mom would give us. Of course he would deny it till the sun come up and the cows come home. He doesn't want to be seen as the monster, yet he finds great joy in being the devil and causing misery behind closed doors. He feeds off the pity of others. Yet unbeknown to them he is an asshole in disguise. To this day he swears to my mom that I cussed him out before and told him to mind his own "fucking business". I would remember if I said that to him. I never did. He made it up. I think my mom believes him. Not sure and don't care. I didn't say it. He had a heart attack after that and blamed it on me. Yet I distinctly remember being told he didn't feel good before that and was upset that my mom left to pick up my son instead of take care of him. So if I am going to be accused of saying such a disrespectful thing I will say it now........"KENT MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There! I said it! Ya know he was mean to my son and my son was like mom I want to cuss him out and I told him no don't be disrespectful. I told him that grandma has to hear it from him and we don't want her to suffer. I told him that we all know he is an asshole and to ignore him. My son had to literally stay in the basement while living there. Kent did the same thing with my sister as well when she got pregnant at 17 and went to live with them. Why should my mothers daughter have to stay in my mothers room (Kent snores and mom doesn't sleep with him) until she gets home from work? Now I have to say that my step sisters and brother all lived with him for a period of 5 years or so in total. That was no problem. Yet when it comes to my sister and I we are a problem. Well he has continuously called my mom a bad mother and tells her we are problem kids. I said ma.....you need to tell him he has no room to talk with his alcoholic ass. Isn't it his son that was an alcoholic too and killed himself, one of his daughters has had some psychiatric issues and had to stay at a mental facility for a short while and the other daughter has married an someone that is a similar match to him. (Not in attitude. My sisters husband is a nice man, he just drinks to much from what I have saw on the holidays and from what I was told.) Come on!!!!!!!!!!! He feels so low that he picks on my mom to make him self feel better. I feel so bad for my mom. She has put up with this type of behavior for years. Yet I see her as a strong women!!!!!! This is my mom and she deserves to be treated like a queen. My grandparents are and were wonderful people. I see her having the love that they had. So much to give. My grandparents took care of their kids, others kids, their grand kids and great grand kids. Always always so wonderful!!!!!!!! I miss my grandma and grandpa!!!!!! (grandma passed more then 10 years ago and my grandpa is in North Carolina) I can't miss anther family event. I have to find away to go to my other grandmas surprise birthday bash. I will call my sister. Well....lets get back on track.....
My mom....I could only dream that I am half the women and grandma she is! Anyway.......(with tears in my eyes) there are so many stories that my mom has told me that would take up the next several pages so I must move on. Needless to say, my mom split from her husband back in January. He has been on a mission to make everyone think she is the devil and we are her spawn. That is what a true monster does. That was Jeff's issue too. Never wanted to look back and made myself and his other girlfriend look like crazy bitches. We were the monsters and he was the victim. That is the same thing that is going on with my mom and her husband.
Now my mom has left him as of this past January and he is still trying to get people to believe he is the victim. I did speak to my sister about this post and she disagreed with some of the things I said. About my moms strength as a women. She was not always strong for herself or us. Now that she is 60 she took the big leap to stick up for herself and that is a good thing. No matter the age, no one should put up with any type of abuse. During the past few years she has been strong for me and not so much for her self. I wish she would of put her foot down years ago. My heart breaks for her. I still hope I grow old and be half the women she is now in my eyes. My mom and I are one of a kind. I have mirrored her behavior with men throughout my life almost down to the tee. I did not do it consciously either. I did not see it until the last few years.
I am in no way perfect and still suffer from some insecurities and trust issues. But I am working on it. I am not in an abusive relationship either and that is a lot. My boo is real good to me. Doesn't call me names or hit me. We get in spats and he is not always right and neither am I. We work it out. I wanted to stop the pattern. I don't want my son to follow my route and mirror my life.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Tired tired tired...did ya hear me tired!
Ok I just got back from doing a run/walk. Ran one mile and walked the other. My feet hurt...must be the shoes. Anyway, I am feeling ok today. My boyfriend and I got into a tiff, but that is all. Since I have been layed off I have done absolutely nothing. I have been so lazy. It is the first time in four years I had any time off from a job. For the past four years I have worked at least two jobs if not three. I go back to work Monday. They called me back. Yeah!!!!! Gotta get my act together.
I have been blessed. Life has been good to me. It is all in the decisions I make for my self. I feel...(my own opinion) that if I am honest and make honest decisions life goes much smoother. Even if a rock is thrown in the road. I just have to take a deep breath and take a few minutes to reflect then move on. I have always had a problem with my impulses and immeadiate self gratification. It helps to do some reflecting.
I re-contacted Jeff's parole officer. We played phone tag. She has yet to call me back. Unfortunately officers get cold hearted and judge people and categorize them in the same pile of violent, manipulating criminals they deal with day in an day out with out knowing them. I am afraid she may be that type. We will see. If she does not call me by tomorrow I will call the head guy and talk to him.
People if you have any problem whatsoever, keep diligent. Some of these workers are so busy they just as soon blow you off and go about their business then to do what is right. I have found that I have to keep calling and asking questions and getting information. Unfortunately, they can't protect me, only I can protect me. If all I have is the information and my wits then so be it. I'll be damned if they ignore me. I'm going to get the information I need to help secure my self. That goes for anyone in any situation. Your life is your own. No one is going to live it for you. No one is going to save you. You have to do it for yourself. Their are people out their that will support you in everything you do and give you the tools to work with. At the end of the day it is up to you what you will do with those tools and how you will use them.
Enough of that. On a good note my flowers that I planted are still alive and that is a miracle in its own.
I have been blessed. Life has been good to me. It is all in the decisions I make for my self. I feel...(my own opinion) that if I am honest and make honest decisions life goes much smoother. Even if a rock is thrown in the road. I just have to take a deep breath and take a few minutes to reflect then move on. I have always had a problem with my impulses and immeadiate self gratification. It helps to do some reflecting.
I re-contacted Jeff's parole officer. We played phone tag. She has yet to call me back. Unfortunately officers get cold hearted and judge people and categorize them in the same pile of violent, manipulating criminals they deal with day in an day out with out knowing them. I am afraid she may be that type. We will see. If she does not call me by tomorrow I will call the head guy and talk to him.
People if you have any problem whatsoever, keep diligent. Some of these workers are so busy they just as soon blow you off and go about their business then to do what is right. I have found that I have to keep calling and asking questions and getting information. Unfortunately, they can't protect me, only I can protect me. If all I have is the information and my wits then so be it. I'll be damned if they ignore me. I'm going to get the information I need to help secure my self. That goes for anyone in any situation. Your life is your own. No one is going to live it for you. No one is going to save you. You have to do it for yourself. Their are people out their that will support you in everything you do and give you the tools to work with. At the end of the day it is up to you what you will do with those tools and how you will use them.
Enough of that. On a good note my flowers that I planted are still alive and that is a miracle in its own.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Ok its been a few days......
Ok so its been a few days. I had nothing to really say. I did contact Jeff's parole officer. I needed to know about the electronic monitoring system he is wearing. Does he have to stay at home or can he wonder anywhere around Wayne County? We have missed each others call, however, I will speak to her today or tomorrow.
I slept well last night and went for a walk this morning. This evening I will go to Curves then go running afterwards. Or I will just go running and go to Curves for the next few days. We will have to see. Anyway..... I am doing well. That's all for now.....
I slept well last night and went for a walk this morning. This evening I will go to Curves then go running afterwards. Or I will just go running and go to Curves for the next few days. We will have to see. Anyway..... I am doing well. That's all for now.....
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Great link to read about effects of domestic violence on children
I have been talking all about affects of domestic violence on children and my own son. Here is a good link to visit to read up on the effects. I will post more effects as I find them.
http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/childrendomesticviolence.html
http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/childrendomesticviolence.html
Last night
Last night I took two sleeping pills to knock me out fort he night. I didn't wake up until about 545 this morning. Then I spent until 700 dozing in and out of consciousness. I am still a bit groggy from the pills but I slept with out worry and fear for the first night since he has been out. When I write this I sound so worrisome. But I know not to underestimate someone. Especially him.
When I was a police officer I handled oh so many cases involving domestic violence. I never dreamed I would be a victim myself. Truthfully I did not think I would be alive by Christmas of 2003 if he hadn't of gone to jail.
So here I am 4 years later rattling off my memoirs for all to see. Just some food for thought, I didn't love myself enough to tell him goodbye, so long, fare well after he hit me the first time. How do you feel about your self? Worthless? Unworthy of someones love, affection and attention? Like you deserve what you get? Like you can't do anything right? You start believing what the monster tells you and says about you? Then, in my eyes, you don't love yourself. You don't believe in yourself. I can't tell you how liberating and euphoric it is to get away from someone who is so violent and destructive to your physical and mental well being. It is even better when you follow through with some charges of domestic violence and see them off to jail or prison. It helps you heal to do the right thing. If you have children, it helps them to. It shows them that there are consequences to bad behavior. It shows them not to put up with abuse of any sort and to report it. It shows them, as hard as it may be emotionally and financially, you can be strong and make the right decisions for them and yourself. It makes them feel safe with you and safe from no more harm. When it boils down to it, children should be number ONE above all else. If you don't leave for yourself and do the right thing, do it for the safety and the sanctity of your children who deserve and good, safe, loving life free from such monstrosities.
If you don't have children then get out of the situation. Police, doctors, advocates, the courts they can only do so much.They have no magic wand that will make the monsters disappear. They can only provide you with some of the tools to help you. You have to want it for yourself. You have to love your self. You need counseling!!! No ifs ands or buts!!! So many people return to the abuser or they enter another relationship with some one who is abusive. Stop that cycle and take control of your life. Don't let it control you!!!!
Thats all for now.
When I was a police officer I handled oh so many cases involving domestic violence. I never dreamed I would be a victim myself. Truthfully I did not think I would be alive by Christmas of 2003 if he hadn't of gone to jail.
So here I am 4 years later rattling off my memoirs for all to see. Just some food for thought, I didn't love myself enough to tell him goodbye, so long, fare well after he hit me the first time. How do you feel about your self? Worthless? Unworthy of someones love, affection and attention? Like you deserve what you get? Like you can't do anything right? You start believing what the monster tells you and says about you? Then, in my eyes, you don't love yourself. You don't believe in yourself. I can't tell you how liberating and euphoric it is to get away from someone who is so violent and destructive to your physical and mental well being. It is even better when you follow through with some charges of domestic violence and see them off to jail or prison. It helps you heal to do the right thing. If you have children, it helps them to. It shows them that there are consequences to bad behavior. It shows them not to put up with abuse of any sort and to report it. It shows them, as hard as it may be emotionally and financially, you can be strong and make the right decisions for them and yourself. It makes them feel safe with you and safe from no more harm. When it boils down to it, children should be number ONE above all else. If you don't leave for yourself and do the right thing, do it for the safety and the sanctity of your children who deserve and good, safe, loving life free from such monstrosities.
If you don't have children then get out of the situation. Police, doctors, advocates, the courts they can only do so much.They have no magic wand that will make the monsters disappear. They can only provide you with some of the tools to help you. You have to want it for yourself. You have to love your self. You need counseling!!! No ifs ands or buts!!! So many people return to the abuser or they enter another relationship with some one who is abusive. Stop that cycle and take control of your life. Don't let it control you!!!!
Thats all for now.
Friday, July 27, 2007
So much for.......
So much for not letting things get to me. Last night was the worst! I didn't get any sleep. I heard every little sound and crash and shake. Of course it was thundering and lightening which added to my anxiety. Slept with a gun clutched in my hand. (That's how much I don't trust this man, How much I am afraid he will follow through on his threats.) This is good to keep a daily account of what is going on in my head since he has been out.
Got up made the love if my life breakfast and went back to bed and slept like a log. Felt much safer with him home. He really has been good to me and spoils me rotten!!! Ha Ha! He has been by my side and stayed there! He is a real man!!!!!!!!!! Well I am going to clean for a bit then go and pay this phone bill I forgot to pay. Then I am going to work out. Today, tomorrow and Sunday I will run like wild fire to get some more of this weight off. That seems to be helping.
Until then........
Got up made the love if my life breakfast and went back to bed and slept like a log. Felt much safer with him home. He really has been good to me and spoils me rotten!!! Ha Ha! He has been by my side and stayed there! He is a real man!!!!!!!!!! Well I am going to clean for a bit then go and pay this phone bill I forgot to pay. Then I am going to work out. Today, tomorrow and Sunday I will run like wild fire to get some more of this weight off. That seems to be helping.
Until then........
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Not so good memories
As the last few nights have past since Jeff's release I have been thinking a lot about what happened to me and how I could of let something like that happen. He was doing what he has done all his life and I was doing what I always did. I let people do what they wanted all in the name of love. Well what I thought was love. More like just looking for anyone to love me. That type of desperation always has devastating affects, at least for me anyway. To bad I'm almost 40 and figuring it out. I wasted all those years. It makes me sad to think what kind of life my son and I could of had if I could of loved my self more. Not loving myself enough affected my son. He was just a little boy. I loved him more then I love my self. Even today. I guess that is what moms do. He is my son. The very breath I take.
I was always looking for a male figure to love me. I didn't know what love was. Maybe I still don't. Does anyone ever really know? Well as I drive down streets, go into certain neighboring towns, visit stores, restaurants etc; I am reminded on a daily basis of that violent time in my life. Such ciaos, such sorrow, such regret, such confusion, such inner-turmoil, such devastation, such loneliness, such distrust, such emptiness! I think of all the beatings and injuries. I had my nose and cheek bones fractured, I was always swollen and bruised. Black eyes and dislocated fingers and toes. I would run and he would catch me. Spit on me, choked me, strangled me numerous times, to many to count. He hung me up off the floor by my neck with his bare hands, he held my gun to my head and scissors to my chest telling me he was going to kill me and he raped me. He jumped out of the back seat of a car when I was with my friend, he is an evil evil rotten human being. He is a monster! All the times I thought of just taking my son and hiding. All the times I didn't. All the times I hid from him in the basement storage unit, on a moldy, dirty, bug infested floor behind a locked cage. All the times my son slept at his friends because he could not come home to the violence any longer. All the lies I told everyone as I continued to let this man back into our lives over and over again. All the lies I told my self. I was just so afraid and lost. All the times I told my son I wouldn't let him back in the house and I did. All the times we chased after my son and brought him back in the house when he tried to go for safety. All the times I just gave up on my self. All the pain it caused my son. Only to find out later that he laid his hands on my son when I wasn't there. All those times.
There was not a time when I didn't have a bruise on my body. There were times when I wasn't covered from head to toe with new bruises, old bruises, healing bruises, new injuries, old injuries, healing injuries. The guilt I feel today will never pass. It stays with me as a constant reminder of what not to let back into my life. A constant reminder that I love myself more then anyone can ever love me. That I love my son more then life it self. I tell him constantly that I'm sorry and that it wasn't his fault. It was my job to protect him and I failed him. I tell him that it is over and he can't hurt us anymore and I need for him to get couceling. He saw a lot of things that he should of never saw. He heard a lot of things that he should of never heard. He felt a lot of things that a child should never feel. He is my soldier. Children are so fragile yet so strong. However, these experiences will stay with him for the rest of his life. He was so young, however, he is haunted by the fact that he could not help me or save me. How could he, he was only a small boy. I have told him that there is nothing he could of done. I told him that it was mommy's fault for allowing this man in our lives after the first time he hit me and the second and the third. The blame a child takes on is soooooo intense. I didn't realize it until he confessed it to me after a couple of years of lashing out. He was very angry with Jeff and with me. Me mostly. I was supposed to protect him and I didn't. People out there, if you don't do it for yourself, do it for your children. They are defenseless, they are innocent!!!!
My son witnessed the beatings every night. He heard the beatings every night. Then when I was not there Jeff abused him. Kevin said it was only a couple of times, but it was enough to send me into a downward spiral of guilt that you can not imagine. This man is our monster. He haunts our dreams. My son is nearly 19 years old now and has to sleep with the t.v. on for light. He has nightmares and used to wake up at three o'clock in the morning and was awake for the night. He couldn't get up for school in the morning and his grades became worse then what they were. I didn't know how to handle him, nor did I know how to handle myself still. I was soon after fired from my police job and had to work three jobs to get by. On top of that I was going to school and failing miserably myself. I was a mess, he was a mess we just clashed. I didn't know how to be a mom anymore and now it is to late he is grown. All because of my poor decision in dating this man and letting him continue to stay and hurt us.
At the time I was so confused, hurt, lost, empty, felt betrayed but most of all lost and empty. Where did I go? Where did I go? All I can say now is that I hardly let anyone into my life. I trust no one!!!!!!!!!! I have no female friends either outside of my mom and sister. Sure I know people that I have worked with but I am not close to anyone. I want to be but don't know how to be anymore. I would rather be alone. I have forgotten how to socialize and make friends. I can make friends with little old ladies, but not women my own age. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me.
My son says he forgives me. I really hope he does because I am really sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you Kevin!!!!!!!
I was always looking for a male figure to love me. I didn't know what love was. Maybe I still don't. Does anyone ever really know? Well as I drive down streets, go into certain neighboring towns, visit stores, restaurants etc; I am reminded on a daily basis of that violent time in my life. Such ciaos, such sorrow, such regret, such confusion, such inner-turmoil, such devastation, such loneliness, such distrust, such emptiness! I think of all the beatings and injuries. I had my nose and cheek bones fractured, I was always swollen and bruised. Black eyes and dislocated fingers and toes. I would run and he would catch me. Spit on me, choked me, strangled me numerous times, to many to count. He hung me up off the floor by my neck with his bare hands, he held my gun to my head and scissors to my chest telling me he was going to kill me and he raped me. He jumped out of the back seat of a car when I was with my friend, he is an evil evil rotten human being. He is a monster! All the times I thought of just taking my son and hiding. All the times I didn't. All the times I hid from him in the basement storage unit, on a moldy, dirty, bug infested floor behind a locked cage. All the times my son slept at his friends because he could not come home to the violence any longer. All the lies I told everyone as I continued to let this man back into our lives over and over again. All the lies I told my self. I was just so afraid and lost. All the times I told my son I wouldn't let him back in the house and I did. All the times we chased after my son and brought him back in the house when he tried to go for safety. All the times I just gave up on my self. All the pain it caused my son. Only to find out later that he laid his hands on my son when I wasn't there. All those times.
There was not a time when I didn't have a bruise on my body. There were times when I wasn't covered from head to toe with new bruises, old bruises, healing bruises, new injuries, old injuries, healing injuries. The guilt I feel today will never pass. It stays with me as a constant reminder of what not to let back into my life. A constant reminder that I love myself more then anyone can ever love me. That I love my son more then life it self. I tell him constantly that I'm sorry and that it wasn't his fault. It was my job to protect him and I failed him. I tell him that it is over and he can't hurt us anymore and I need for him to get couceling. He saw a lot of things that he should of never saw. He heard a lot of things that he should of never heard. He felt a lot of things that a child should never feel. He is my soldier. Children are so fragile yet so strong. However, these experiences will stay with him for the rest of his life. He was so young, however, he is haunted by the fact that he could not help me or save me. How could he, he was only a small boy. I have told him that there is nothing he could of done. I told him that it was mommy's fault for allowing this man in our lives after the first time he hit me and the second and the third. The blame a child takes on is soooooo intense. I didn't realize it until he confessed it to me after a couple of years of lashing out. He was very angry with Jeff and with me. Me mostly. I was supposed to protect him and I didn't. People out there, if you don't do it for yourself, do it for your children. They are defenseless, they are innocent!!!!
My son witnessed the beatings every night. He heard the beatings every night. Then when I was not there Jeff abused him. Kevin said it was only a couple of times, but it was enough to send me into a downward spiral of guilt that you can not imagine. This man is our monster. He haunts our dreams. My son is nearly 19 years old now and has to sleep with the t.v. on for light. He has nightmares and used to wake up at three o'clock in the morning and was awake for the night. He couldn't get up for school in the morning and his grades became worse then what they were. I didn't know how to handle him, nor did I know how to handle myself still. I was soon after fired from my police job and had to work three jobs to get by. On top of that I was going to school and failing miserably myself. I was a mess, he was a mess we just clashed. I didn't know how to be a mom anymore and now it is to late he is grown. All because of my poor decision in dating this man and letting him continue to stay and hurt us.
At the time I was so confused, hurt, lost, empty, felt betrayed but most of all lost and empty. Where did I go? Where did I go? All I can say now is that I hardly let anyone into my life. I trust no one!!!!!!!!!! I have no female friends either outside of my mom and sister. Sure I know people that I have worked with but I am not close to anyone. I want to be but don't know how to be anymore. I would rather be alone. I have forgotten how to socialize and make friends. I can make friends with little old ladies, but not women my own age. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me.
My son says he forgives me. I really hope he does because I am really sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you Kevin!!!!!!!
Up early this morning
So I am so totally up early this morning. I am going to go for a jog and do the laundry. Just got out of the shower and am raring to go. Need to get something done. I have been laid off for a month now and have done absolutely nothing. It feels great. Have to remember to water the flowers before I leave. I will get back later and write some more.
In regards to Jeff being released and out there somewhere. I am still so nervous that he will find me. But I still stand by my decision to keep on living my life and being happy. I call it living with more caution then usual. I look over my shoulder a bit more and totally tell my boyfriend where I am at, at all times. Well I am off to a park somewhere in the metro area.
In regards to Jeff being released and out there somewhere. I am still so nervous that he will find me. But I still stand by my decision to keep on living my life and being happy. I call it living with more caution then usual. I look over my shoulder a bit more and totally tell my boyfriend where I am at, at all times. Well I am off to a park somewhere in the metro area.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Doctors today
Went to the doctors today. I have this thyroid issue with low blood pressure. I am fatigued all the time. Had some blood taken and got my prescriptions filled. Went to work out and that was it. I had somewhat of a normal day. Nothing spectacular happened. My life is just hohummmmm.....
I am going to be 40 in a month and I have no excitement at all. I want some good excitement. I will have to think of somethings that I want to accomplish by the time I am 45 and do them. Hmmmm lets see what I can come up with. Until tommarrow......
I am going to be 40 in a month and I have no excitement at all. I want some good excitement. I will have to think of somethings that I want to accomplish by the time I am 45 and do them. Hmmmm lets see what I can come up with. Until tommarrow......
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Its the end of the day
Its the end of the day and I made it through a jog at the park and back home. Of course I carried my PPO and some protection. I have decided not to stop living. As unsettling as it is that he is out, I must carry on. If I don't he will have still controlled me and I won't let that happen anymore. Well that is it for now. Not much more to say but it is time to rest.
Today is the day
Well today is the day that the monster was released from jail. Today is the day that I look over my shoulder every where I go. Today is the day that I carry something to protect myself in case he comes to find me. Today is the day that I fear for my life when I leave the house. Today is the day that I say a prayer every time I leave to go somewhere. Today is the day I loose some of the security I felt when he was incarcerated.
I have a PPO, but that wont save me and keep me alive should he attack. Today I lost a freedom I felt when he was locked up, today is a day of sadness and fear for me. Today I have tears in my eyes because I am afraid to leave the house. Today I feel like a prisoner in my own home.
I have a PPO, but that wont save me and keep me alive should he attack. Today I lost a freedom I felt when he was locked up, today is a day of sadness and fear for me. Today I have tears in my eyes because I am afraid to leave the house. Today I feel like a prisoner in my own home.
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