As the last few nights have past since Jeff's release I have been thinking a lot about what happened to me and how I could of let something like that happen. He was doing what he has done all his life and I was doing what I always did. I let people do what they wanted all in the name of love. Well what I thought was love. More like just looking for anyone to love me. That type of desperation always has devastating affects, at least for me anyway. To bad I'm almost 40 and figuring it out. I wasted all those years. It makes me sad to think what kind of life my son and I could of had if I could of loved my self more. Not loving myself enough affected my son. He was just a little boy. I loved him more then I love my self. Even today. I guess that is what moms do. He is my son. The very breath I take.
I was always looking for a male figure to love me. I didn't know what love was. Maybe I still don't. Does anyone ever really know? Well as I drive down streets, go into certain neighboring towns, visit stores, restaurants etc; I am reminded on a daily basis of that violent time in my life. Such ciaos, such sorrow, such regret, such confusion, such inner-turmoil, such devastation, such loneliness, such distrust, such emptiness! I think of all the beatings and injuries. I had my nose and cheek bones fractured, I was always swollen and bruised. Black eyes and dislocated fingers and toes. I would run and he would catch me. Spit on me, choked me, strangled me numerous times, to many to count. He hung me up off the floor by my neck with his bare hands, he held my gun to my head and scissors to my chest telling me he was going to kill me and he raped me. He jumped out of the back seat of a car when I was with my friend, he is an evil evil rotten human being. He is a monster! All the times I thought of just taking my son and hiding. All the times I didn't. All the times I hid from him in the basement storage unit, on a moldy, dirty, bug infested floor behind a locked cage. All the times my son slept at his friends because he could not come home to the violence any longer. All the lies I told everyone as I continued to let this man back into our lives over and over again. All the lies I told my self. I was just so afraid and lost. All the times I told my son I wouldn't let him back in the house and I did. All the times we chased after my son and brought him back in the house when he tried to go for safety. All the times I just gave up on my self. All the pain it caused my son. Only to find out later that he laid his hands on my son when I wasn't there. All those times.
There was not a time when I didn't have a bruise on my body. There were times when I wasn't covered from head to toe with new bruises, old bruises, healing bruises, new injuries, old injuries, healing injuries. The guilt I feel today will never pass. It stays with me as a constant reminder of what not to let back into my life. A constant reminder that I love myself more then anyone can ever love me. That I love my son more then life it self. I tell him constantly that I'm sorry and that it wasn't his fault. It was my job to protect him and I failed him. I tell him that it is over and he can't hurt us anymore and I need for him to get couceling. He saw a lot of things that he should of never saw. He heard a lot of things that he should of never heard. He felt a lot of things that a child should never feel. He is my soldier. Children are so fragile yet so strong. However, these experiences will stay with him for the rest of his life. He was so young, however, he is haunted by the fact that he could not help me or save me. How could he, he was only a small boy. I have told him that there is nothing he could of done. I told him that it was mommy's fault for allowing this man in our lives after the first time he hit me and the second and the third. The blame a child takes on is soooooo intense. I didn't realize it until he confessed it to me after a couple of years of lashing out. He was very angry with Jeff and with me. Me mostly. I was supposed to protect him and I didn't. People out there, if you don't do it for yourself, do it for your children. They are defenseless, they are innocent!!!!
My son witnessed the beatings every night. He heard the beatings every night. Then when I was not there Jeff abused him. Kevin said it was only a couple of times, but it was enough to send me into a downward spiral of guilt that you can not imagine. This man is our monster. He haunts our dreams. My son is nearly 19 years old now and has to sleep with the t.v. on for light. He has nightmares and used to wake up at three o'clock in the morning and was awake for the night. He couldn't get up for school in the morning and his grades became worse then what they were. I didn't know how to handle him, nor did I know how to handle myself still. I was soon after fired from my police job and had to work three jobs to get by. On top of that I was going to school and failing miserably myself. I was a mess, he was a mess we just clashed. I didn't know how to be a mom anymore and now it is to late he is grown. All because of my poor decision in dating this man and letting him continue to stay and hurt us.
At the time I was so confused, hurt, lost, empty, felt betrayed but most of all lost and empty. Where did I go? Where did I go? All I can say now is that I hardly let anyone into my life. I trust no one!!!!!!!!!! I have no female friends either outside of my mom and sister. Sure I know people that I have worked with but I am not close to anyone. I want to be but don't know how to be anymore. I would rather be alone. I have forgotten how to socialize and make friends. I can make friends with little old ladies, but not women my own age. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me.
My son says he forgives me. I really hope he does because I am really sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you Kevin!!!!!!!
I was always looking for a male figure to love me. I didn't know what love was. Maybe I still don't. Does anyone ever really know? Well as I drive down streets, go into certain neighboring towns, visit stores, restaurants etc; I am reminded on a daily basis of that violent time in my life. Such ciaos, such sorrow, such regret, such confusion, such inner-turmoil, such devastation, such loneliness, such distrust, such emptiness! I think of all the beatings and injuries. I had my nose and cheek bones fractured, I was always swollen and bruised. Black eyes and dislocated fingers and toes. I would run and he would catch me. Spit on me, choked me, strangled me numerous times, to many to count. He hung me up off the floor by my neck with his bare hands, he held my gun to my head and scissors to my chest telling me he was going to kill me and he raped me. He jumped out of the back seat of a car when I was with my friend, he is an evil evil rotten human being. He is a monster! All the times I thought of just taking my son and hiding. All the times I didn't. All the times I hid from him in the basement storage unit, on a moldy, dirty, bug infested floor behind a locked cage. All the times my son slept at his friends because he could not come home to the violence any longer. All the lies I told everyone as I continued to let this man back into our lives over and over again. All the lies I told my self. I was just so afraid and lost. All the times I told my son I wouldn't let him back in the house and I did. All the times we chased after my son and brought him back in the house when he tried to go for safety. All the times I just gave up on my self. All the pain it caused my son. Only to find out later that he laid his hands on my son when I wasn't there. All those times.
There was not a time when I didn't have a bruise on my body. There were times when I wasn't covered from head to toe with new bruises, old bruises, healing bruises, new injuries, old injuries, healing injuries. The guilt I feel today will never pass. It stays with me as a constant reminder of what not to let back into my life. A constant reminder that I love myself more then anyone can ever love me. That I love my son more then life it self. I tell him constantly that I'm sorry and that it wasn't his fault. It was my job to protect him and I failed him. I tell him that it is over and he can't hurt us anymore and I need for him to get couceling. He saw a lot of things that he should of never saw. He heard a lot of things that he should of never heard. He felt a lot of things that a child should never feel. He is my soldier. Children are so fragile yet so strong. However, these experiences will stay with him for the rest of his life. He was so young, however, he is haunted by the fact that he could not help me or save me. How could he, he was only a small boy. I have told him that there is nothing he could of done. I told him that it was mommy's fault for allowing this man in our lives after the first time he hit me and the second and the third. The blame a child takes on is soooooo intense. I didn't realize it until he confessed it to me after a couple of years of lashing out. He was very angry with Jeff and with me. Me mostly. I was supposed to protect him and I didn't. People out there, if you don't do it for yourself, do it for your children. They are defenseless, they are innocent!!!!
My son witnessed the beatings every night. He heard the beatings every night. Then when I was not there Jeff abused him. Kevin said it was only a couple of times, but it was enough to send me into a downward spiral of guilt that you can not imagine. This man is our monster. He haunts our dreams. My son is nearly 19 years old now and has to sleep with the t.v. on for light. He has nightmares and used to wake up at three o'clock in the morning and was awake for the night. He couldn't get up for school in the morning and his grades became worse then what they were. I didn't know how to handle him, nor did I know how to handle myself still. I was soon after fired from my police job and had to work three jobs to get by. On top of that I was going to school and failing miserably myself. I was a mess, he was a mess we just clashed. I didn't know how to be a mom anymore and now it is to late he is grown. All because of my poor decision in dating this man and letting him continue to stay and hurt us.
At the time I was so confused, hurt, lost, empty, felt betrayed but most of all lost and empty. Where did I go? Where did I go? All I can say now is that I hardly let anyone into my life. I trust no one!!!!!!!!!! I have no female friends either outside of my mom and sister. Sure I know people that I have worked with but I am not close to anyone. I want to be but don't know how to be anymore. I would rather be alone. I have forgotten how to socialize and make friends. I can make friends with little old ladies, but not women my own age. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me.
My son says he forgives me. I really hope he does because I am really sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you Kevin!!!!!!!
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