Last night

Last night I took two sleeping pills to knock me out fort he night. I didn't wake up until about 545 this morning. Then I spent until 700 dozing in and out of consciousness. I am still a bit groggy from the pills but I slept with out worry and fear for the first night since he has been out. When I write this I sound so worrisome. But I know not to underestimate someone. Especially him.

When I was a police officer I handled oh so many cases involving domestic violence. I never dreamed I would be a victim myself. Truthfully I did not think I would be alive by Christmas of 2003 if he hadn't of gone to jail.

So here I am 4 years later rattling off my memoirs for all to see. Just some food for thought, I didn't love myself enough to tell him goodbye, so long, fare well after he hit me the first time. How do you feel about your self? Worthless? Unworthy of someones love, affection and attention? Like you deserve what you get? Like you can't do anything right? You start believing what the monster tells you and says about you? Then, in my eyes, you don't love yourself. You don't believe in yourself. I can't tell you how liberating and euphoric it is to get away from someone who is so violent and destructive to your physical and mental well being. It is even better when you follow through with some charges of domestic violence and see them off to jail or prison. It helps you heal to do the right thing. If you have children, it helps them to. It shows them that there are consequences to bad behavior. It shows them not to put up with abuse of any sort and to report it. It shows them, as hard as it may be emotionally and financially, you can be strong and make the right decisions for them and yourself. It makes them feel safe with you and safe from no more harm. When it boils down to it, children should be number ONE above all else. If you don't leave for yourself and do the right thing, do it for the safety and the sanctity of your children who deserve and good, safe, loving life free from such monstrosities.

If you don't have children then get out of the situation. Police, doctors, advocates, the courts they can only do so much.They have no magic wand that will make the monsters disappear. They can only provide you with some of the tools to help you. You have to want it for yourself. You have to love your self. You need counseling!!! No ifs ands or buts!!! So many people return to the abuser or they enter another relationship with some one who is abusive. Stop that cycle and take control of your life. Don't let it control you!!!!

Thats all for now.