Ooooooh no what have I done?

Friday, November 07, 2008
Ooooooh no what have I done?
The air is thick I cannot breath. My heart is pounding; it is racing right out of my chest. I feel it burning and aching, my world around me is dark, and I see nothing at all, not even in front of me. I hear voices but I can't hear what they say. I am lonely and afraid....ohhhh no what have I done? I only hear the cry of my son, mommy just make him leave. However, I do not make him leave. My world is still black, I cannot see. I am feeling around for some familiarity, but there is nothing but the pain from the strikes, the pain from the name-calling, the belittling and the blaming. It is chaotic and black around me and it is my fault, he is here. It is my fault he is hitting me, it is my fault my son is scared and sad. It is my fault I lost my career, it is my fault I lost my homes and been evicted repeatedly. It is my fault, I lost another job, it is my fault that I am ill, it is my fault, he now goes after my son. It is my fault is has struck my son. It is my fault my family is sad and concerned. It is my fault my friends and co-workers think ill of me and judge me. It is my fault....................The darkness is still there and I still hear my son’s cries and feel his tears and pain. My heart is weeping, my eyes are wet, yet I feel lost and helpless. Ohhh son I am sorry, what have I done? He will not go away; I have tried and tried to tell him to leave. He refuses to go and he beats me more. My son is afraid and I cannot protect either of us. The darkness is still hovering and looming over my son and I. I hear the voices of my sister, mother and my friend.... yet I am still lost. I am falling fast, spiraling down....down......down so very fast. I cannot get up, I cannot see the light, and I can't breathe. Ohhh no what have I done? The police hate me and think I am corrupt, they judged unmercifully; they cast me to the side like a piece of garbage. I am an embarrassment to the department, to my fellow brothers and sisters in law enforcement. They turned their backs and snickered under their breaths. They judged me as if they were God. They looked past their own sins, mistakes and faults only to highlight mine and make a spectacle out of it. Ohhhhh no what have I done? I hear my son again and his pain, I can see him now and his tormented face, his heart hurting and his voice screaming for mama to “just get away” from this monster, our own personal terrorist. My mom, my sister, my son and Melissa's, all their voices emerge from the darkness. My son, my mother, my sister, my friend, they are all my beacons of light. I follow the light......away from the madness, away from the violence, away from the monster.......I am in the light, but I still feel a haze around me. Life is surreal in a sense that I can't believe I have hurt my baby by not protecting him from the madness, I lost everything. Everything is gone.....my career, my home, my friends, my son....... his eyes are now empty and full of pain.... OHHHHH GOD what have I done? My baby....my heart, my soul, my light, my son!!! He is the very breath I take, the very reason I get up in the morning and move. Yet I have hurt him the most. I did not protect him and his well being. I did not protect his feelings and emotions. I did not protect him from that horrible ugly monster that some would call a man. Ohhh no what have I done? It has been 6 years and my son is still hurting... at 20 he is still trying to find the reason as to why he feels and acts the way he does. With general anxiety disorder, and PTSD my son is now lost. He searches in the darkness for me; he searches in that darkness for himself. Ohhh no what have I done? I am here son, I will not leave you!!! I am here baby...mommy is here......I love you booboo.... follow my voice it will be ok......I am here son I will not leave you..... I am here baby....don't be afraid! I will protect you now, just listen to me.....just follow my voice......it will be ok! Can you see me yet baby, can you see you yet? Don't give up, keep following my voice, I am not leaving booboo I am here!!! I will never leave you alone to be afraid again!!!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE SON.....I am here!!!!!!
Tracie Dawn Renkiewcz