Ok so its been a few days. I had nothing to really say. I did contact Jeff's parole officer. I needed to know about the electronic monitoring system he is wearing. Does he have to stay at home or can he wonder anywhere around Wayne County? We have missed each others call, however, I will speak to her today or tomorrow.
I slept well last night and went for a walk this morning. This evening I will go to Curves then go running afterwards. Or I will just go running and go to Curves for the next few days. We will have to see. Anyway..... I am doing well. That's all for now.....
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Great link to read about effects of domestic violence on children
I have been talking all about affects of domestic violence on children and my own son. Here is a good link to visit to read up on the effects. I will post more effects as I find them.
http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/childrendomesticviolence.html
http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/childrendomesticviolence.html
Last night
Last night I took two sleeping pills to knock me out fort he night. I didn't wake up until about 545 this morning. Then I spent until 700 dozing in and out of consciousness. I am still a bit groggy from the pills but I slept with out worry and fear for the first night since he has been out. When I write this I sound so worrisome. But I know not to underestimate someone. Especially him.
When I was a police officer I handled oh so many cases involving domestic violence. I never dreamed I would be a victim myself. Truthfully I did not think I would be alive by Christmas of 2003 if he hadn't of gone to jail.
So here I am 4 years later rattling off my memoirs for all to see. Just some food for thought, I didn't love myself enough to tell him goodbye, so long, fare well after he hit me the first time. How do you feel about your self? Worthless? Unworthy of someones love, affection and attention? Like you deserve what you get? Like you can't do anything right? You start believing what the monster tells you and says about you? Then, in my eyes, you don't love yourself. You don't believe in yourself. I can't tell you how liberating and euphoric it is to get away from someone who is so violent and destructive to your physical and mental well being. It is even better when you follow through with some charges of domestic violence and see them off to jail or prison. It helps you heal to do the right thing. If you have children, it helps them to. It shows them that there are consequences to bad behavior. It shows them not to put up with abuse of any sort and to report it. It shows them, as hard as it may be emotionally and financially, you can be strong and make the right decisions for them and yourself. It makes them feel safe with you and safe from no more harm. When it boils down to it, children should be number ONE above all else. If you don't leave for yourself and do the right thing, do it for the safety and the sanctity of your children who deserve and good, safe, loving life free from such monstrosities.
If you don't have children then get out of the situation. Police, doctors, advocates, the courts they can only do so much.They have no magic wand that will make the monsters disappear. They can only provide you with some of the tools to help you. You have to want it for yourself. You have to love your self. You need counseling!!! No ifs ands or buts!!! So many people return to the abuser or they enter another relationship with some one who is abusive. Stop that cycle and take control of your life. Don't let it control you!!!!
Thats all for now.
When I was a police officer I handled oh so many cases involving domestic violence. I never dreamed I would be a victim myself. Truthfully I did not think I would be alive by Christmas of 2003 if he hadn't of gone to jail.
So here I am 4 years later rattling off my memoirs for all to see. Just some food for thought, I didn't love myself enough to tell him goodbye, so long, fare well after he hit me the first time. How do you feel about your self? Worthless? Unworthy of someones love, affection and attention? Like you deserve what you get? Like you can't do anything right? You start believing what the monster tells you and says about you? Then, in my eyes, you don't love yourself. You don't believe in yourself. I can't tell you how liberating and euphoric it is to get away from someone who is so violent and destructive to your physical and mental well being. It is even better when you follow through with some charges of domestic violence and see them off to jail or prison. It helps you heal to do the right thing. If you have children, it helps them to. It shows them that there are consequences to bad behavior. It shows them not to put up with abuse of any sort and to report it. It shows them, as hard as it may be emotionally and financially, you can be strong and make the right decisions for them and yourself. It makes them feel safe with you and safe from no more harm. When it boils down to it, children should be number ONE above all else. If you don't leave for yourself and do the right thing, do it for the safety and the sanctity of your children who deserve and good, safe, loving life free from such monstrosities.
If you don't have children then get out of the situation. Police, doctors, advocates, the courts they can only do so much.They have no magic wand that will make the monsters disappear. They can only provide you with some of the tools to help you. You have to want it for yourself. You have to love your self. You need counseling!!! No ifs ands or buts!!! So many people return to the abuser or they enter another relationship with some one who is abusive. Stop that cycle and take control of your life. Don't let it control you!!!!
Thats all for now.
Friday, July 27, 2007
So much for.......
So much for not letting things get to me. Last night was the worst! I didn't get any sleep. I heard every little sound and crash and shake. Of course it was thundering and lightening which added to my anxiety. Slept with a gun clutched in my hand. (That's how much I don't trust this man, How much I am afraid he will follow through on his threats.) This is good to keep a daily account of what is going on in my head since he has been out.
Got up made the love if my life breakfast and went back to bed and slept like a log. Felt much safer with him home. He really has been good to me and spoils me rotten!!! Ha Ha! He has been by my side and stayed there! He is a real man!!!!!!!!!! Well I am going to clean for a bit then go and pay this phone bill I forgot to pay. Then I am going to work out. Today, tomorrow and Sunday I will run like wild fire to get some more of this weight off. That seems to be helping.
Until then........
Got up made the love if my life breakfast and went back to bed and slept like a log. Felt much safer with him home. He really has been good to me and spoils me rotten!!! Ha Ha! He has been by my side and stayed there! He is a real man!!!!!!!!!! Well I am going to clean for a bit then go and pay this phone bill I forgot to pay. Then I am going to work out. Today, tomorrow and Sunday I will run like wild fire to get some more of this weight off. That seems to be helping.
Until then........
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Not so good memories
As the last few nights have past since Jeff's release I have been thinking a lot about what happened to me and how I could of let something like that happen. He was doing what he has done all his life and I was doing what I always did. I let people do what they wanted all in the name of love. Well what I thought was love. More like just looking for anyone to love me. That type of desperation always has devastating affects, at least for me anyway. To bad I'm almost 40 and figuring it out. I wasted all those years. It makes me sad to think what kind of life my son and I could of had if I could of loved my self more. Not loving myself enough affected my son. He was just a little boy. I loved him more then I love my self. Even today. I guess that is what moms do. He is my son. The very breath I take.
I was always looking for a male figure to love me. I didn't know what love was. Maybe I still don't. Does anyone ever really know? Well as I drive down streets, go into certain neighboring towns, visit stores, restaurants etc; I am reminded on a daily basis of that violent time in my life. Such ciaos, such sorrow, such regret, such confusion, such inner-turmoil, such devastation, such loneliness, such distrust, such emptiness! I think of all the beatings and injuries. I had my nose and cheek bones fractured, I was always swollen and bruised. Black eyes and dislocated fingers and toes. I would run and he would catch me. Spit on me, choked me, strangled me numerous times, to many to count. He hung me up off the floor by my neck with his bare hands, he held my gun to my head and scissors to my chest telling me he was going to kill me and he raped me. He jumped out of the back seat of a car when I was with my friend, he is an evil evil rotten human being. He is a monster! All the times I thought of just taking my son and hiding. All the times I didn't. All the times I hid from him in the basement storage unit, on a moldy, dirty, bug infested floor behind a locked cage. All the times my son slept at his friends because he could not come home to the violence any longer. All the lies I told everyone as I continued to let this man back into our lives over and over again. All the lies I told my self. I was just so afraid and lost. All the times I told my son I wouldn't let him back in the house and I did. All the times we chased after my son and brought him back in the house when he tried to go for safety. All the times I just gave up on my self. All the pain it caused my son. Only to find out later that he laid his hands on my son when I wasn't there. All those times.
There was not a time when I didn't have a bruise on my body. There were times when I wasn't covered from head to toe with new bruises, old bruises, healing bruises, new injuries, old injuries, healing injuries. The guilt I feel today will never pass. It stays with me as a constant reminder of what not to let back into my life. A constant reminder that I love myself more then anyone can ever love me. That I love my son more then life it self. I tell him constantly that I'm sorry and that it wasn't his fault. It was my job to protect him and I failed him. I tell him that it is over and he can't hurt us anymore and I need for him to get couceling. He saw a lot of things that he should of never saw. He heard a lot of things that he should of never heard. He felt a lot of things that a child should never feel. He is my soldier. Children are so fragile yet so strong. However, these experiences will stay with him for the rest of his life. He was so young, however, he is haunted by the fact that he could not help me or save me. How could he, he was only a small boy. I have told him that there is nothing he could of done. I told him that it was mommy's fault for allowing this man in our lives after the first time he hit me and the second and the third. The blame a child takes on is soooooo intense. I didn't realize it until he confessed it to me after a couple of years of lashing out. He was very angry with Jeff and with me. Me mostly. I was supposed to protect him and I didn't. People out there, if you don't do it for yourself, do it for your children. They are defenseless, they are innocent!!!!
My son witnessed the beatings every night. He heard the beatings every night. Then when I was not there Jeff abused him. Kevin said it was only a couple of times, but it was enough to send me into a downward spiral of guilt that you can not imagine. This man is our monster. He haunts our dreams. My son is nearly 19 years old now and has to sleep with the t.v. on for light. He has nightmares and used to wake up at three o'clock in the morning and was awake for the night. He couldn't get up for school in the morning and his grades became worse then what they were. I didn't know how to handle him, nor did I know how to handle myself still. I was soon after fired from my police job and had to work three jobs to get by. On top of that I was going to school and failing miserably myself. I was a mess, he was a mess we just clashed. I didn't know how to be a mom anymore and now it is to late he is grown. All because of my poor decision in dating this man and letting him continue to stay and hurt us.
At the time I was so confused, hurt, lost, empty, felt betrayed but most of all lost and empty. Where did I go? Where did I go? All I can say now is that I hardly let anyone into my life. I trust no one!!!!!!!!!! I have no female friends either outside of my mom and sister. Sure I know people that I have worked with but I am not close to anyone. I want to be but don't know how to be anymore. I would rather be alone. I have forgotten how to socialize and make friends. I can make friends with little old ladies, but not women my own age. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me.
My son says he forgives me. I really hope he does because I am really sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you Kevin!!!!!!!
I was always looking for a male figure to love me. I didn't know what love was. Maybe I still don't. Does anyone ever really know? Well as I drive down streets, go into certain neighboring towns, visit stores, restaurants etc; I am reminded on a daily basis of that violent time in my life. Such ciaos, such sorrow, such regret, such confusion, such inner-turmoil, such devastation, such loneliness, such distrust, such emptiness! I think of all the beatings and injuries. I had my nose and cheek bones fractured, I was always swollen and bruised. Black eyes and dislocated fingers and toes. I would run and he would catch me. Spit on me, choked me, strangled me numerous times, to many to count. He hung me up off the floor by my neck with his bare hands, he held my gun to my head and scissors to my chest telling me he was going to kill me and he raped me. He jumped out of the back seat of a car when I was with my friend, he is an evil evil rotten human being. He is a monster! All the times I thought of just taking my son and hiding. All the times I didn't. All the times I hid from him in the basement storage unit, on a moldy, dirty, bug infested floor behind a locked cage. All the times my son slept at his friends because he could not come home to the violence any longer. All the lies I told everyone as I continued to let this man back into our lives over and over again. All the lies I told my self. I was just so afraid and lost. All the times I told my son I wouldn't let him back in the house and I did. All the times we chased after my son and brought him back in the house when he tried to go for safety. All the times I just gave up on my self. All the pain it caused my son. Only to find out later that he laid his hands on my son when I wasn't there. All those times.
There was not a time when I didn't have a bruise on my body. There were times when I wasn't covered from head to toe with new bruises, old bruises, healing bruises, new injuries, old injuries, healing injuries. The guilt I feel today will never pass. It stays with me as a constant reminder of what not to let back into my life. A constant reminder that I love myself more then anyone can ever love me. That I love my son more then life it self. I tell him constantly that I'm sorry and that it wasn't his fault. It was my job to protect him and I failed him. I tell him that it is over and he can't hurt us anymore and I need for him to get couceling. He saw a lot of things that he should of never saw. He heard a lot of things that he should of never heard. He felt a lot of things that a child should never feel. He is my soldier. Children are so fragile yet so strong. However, these experiences will stay with him for the rest of his life. He was so young, however, he is haunted by the fact that he could not help me or save me. How could he, he was only a small boy. I have told him that there is nothing he could of done. I told him that it was mommy's fault for allowing this man in our lives after the first time he hit me and the second and the third. The blame a child takes on is soooooo intense. I didn't realize it until he confessed it to me after a couple of years of lashing out. He was very angry with Jeff and with me. Me mostly. I was supposed to protect him and I didn't. People out there, if you don't do it for yourself, do it for your children. They are defenseless, they are innocent!!!!
My son witnessed the beatings every night. He heard the beatings every night. Then when I was not there Jeff abused him. Kevin said it was only a couple of times, but it was enough to send me into a downward spiral of guilt that you can not imagine. This man is our monster. He haunts our dreams. My son is nearly 19 years old now and has to sleep with the t.v. on for light. He has nightmares and used to wake up at three o'clock in the morning and was awake for the night. He couldn't get up for school in the morning and his grades became worse then what they were. I didn't know how to handle him, nor did I know how to handle myself still. I was soon after fired from my police job and had to work three jobs to get by. On top of that I was going to school and failing miserably myself. I was a mess, he was a mess we just clashed. I didn't know how to be a mom anymore and now it is to late he is grown. All because of my poor decision in dating this man and letting him continue to stay and hurt us.
At the time I was so confused, hurt, lost, empty, felt betrayed but most of all lost and empty. Where did I go? Where did I go? All I can say now is that I hardly let anyone into my life. I trust no one!!!!!!!!!! I have no female friends either outside of my mom and sister. Sure I know people that I have worked with but I am not close to anyone. I want to be but don't know how to be anymore. I would rather be alone. I have forgotten how to socialize and make friends. I can make friends with little old ladies, but not women my own age. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me.
My son says he forgives me. I really hope he does because I am really sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you Kevin!!!!!!!
Up early this morning
So I am so totally up early this morning. I am going to go for a jog and do the laundry. Just got out of the shower and am raring to go. Need to get something done. I have been laid off for a month now and have done absolutely nothing. It feels great. Have to remember to water the flowers before I leave. I will get back later and write some more.
In regards to Jeff being released and out there somewhere. I am still so nervous that he will find me. But I still stand by my decision to keep on living my life and being happy. I call it living with more caution then usual. I look over my shoulder a bit more and totally tell my boyfriend where I am at, at all times. Well I am off to a park somewhere in the metro area.
In regards to Jeff being released and out there somewhere. I am still so nervous that he will find me. But I still stand by my decision to keep on living my life and being happy. I call it living with more caution then usual. I look over my shoulder a bit more and totally tell my boyfriend where I am at, at all times. Well I am off to a park somewhere in the metro area.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Doctors today
Went to the doctors today. I have this thyroid issue with low blood pressure. I am fatigued all the time. Had some blood taken and got my prescriptions filled. Went to work out and that was it. I had somewhat of a normal day. Nothing spectacular happened. My life is just hohummmmm.....
I am going to be 40 in a month and I have no excitement at all. I want some good excitement. I will have to think of somethings that I want to accomplish by the time I am 45 and do them. Hmmmm lets see what I can come up with. Until tommarrow......
I am going to be 40 in a month and I have no excitement at all. I want some good excitement. I will have to think of somethings that I want to accomplish by the time I am 45 and do them. Hmmmm lets see what I can come up with. Until tommarrow......
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Its the end of the day
Its the end of the day and I made it through a jog at the park and back home. Of course I carried my PPO and some protection. I have decided not to stop living. As unsettling as it is that he is out, I must carry on. If I don't he will have still controlled me and I won't let that happen anymore. Well that is it for now. Not much more to say but it is time to rest.
Today is the day
Well today is the day that the monster was released from jail. Today is the day that I look over my shoulder every where I go. Today is the day that I carry something to protect myself in case he comes to find me. Today is the day that I fear for my life when I leave the house. Today is the day that I say a prayer every time I leave to go somewhere. Today is the day I loose some of the security I felt when he was incarcerated.
I have a PPO, but that wont save me and keep me alive should he attack. Today I lost a freedom I felt when he was locked up, today is a day of sadness and fear for me. Today I have tears in my eyes because I am afraid to leave the house. Today I feel like a prisoner in my own home.
I have a PPO, but that wont save me and keep me alive should he attack. Today I lost a freedom I felt when he was locked up, today is a day of sadness and fear for me. Today I have tears in my eyes because I am afraid to leave the house. Today I feel like a prisoner in my own home.
Monday, July 23, 2007
He is being released
Well as of tomorrow, 07/24/07, Jeff is being released from prison. We will see what he has planned. I would really hope he would leave me alone and let me live my life and he live his. However, I fear that I have absolutely no confidence in him doing the right thing. We shall see. I fear that he will keep his promise to kidnap me, torture me and burn me alive. Who knows how or when. He always promised to burn me alive. He also told me if any of his people were arrested he would blame it on me and he would have to kill me to save face. All these emotions and memories are resurfacing and I am a little unsettled. I still have to go on with my life. I know that I have to take measures to protect myself. I had him served with a PPO while he was still in prison and I will now carry my gun with me everywhere I go. I have a CCW and will do what ever I have to, to protect my self and my family from this deranged man.
Get this....he told the parole board it was all a misunderstanding. I was like wa.. wa.. wa.. what!!!!! Wait a minute, there was no misunderstanding. There was no misunderstanding when he showed up at my door that morning three years ago and there was no mistake what his intentions where if I would of opened up that door to him. I had him served with a PPO for a reason and he blatantly violated it. He must of thought I didn't mean it. That was his fault. I bet he will still try to find me. I changed my home and my car. I hope to God I have done enough to change. He is in Detroit right now at a detention facility on Ryan. That is not far from me as I write this. I wonder where he is being released to. I want to be one step ahead of him in case something happens.
I am doing the right thing by protecting and defending myself. More women should do this for themselves. It is liberating. It has a satisfying euphoria all its own. I hope that anyone who is reading this will find my personal story useful.
I used to be ashamed of what happened to me. I was a police officer. This is not supposed to happen to police officers. Because of my poor choice in dating and living with him I lost my job and many friends. I lost my self worth and confidence. I lost the respect of some of my family and peers. Most of all I put my son through hell due to my selfish decision making. Thank God for my mother and sister and Melissa!!!! They helped save me and bring my son up when I fell. He is a good man, I am so very proud of him. That is my baby, the reason I get up every morning and breath. He has some issues stemming from the DV but he will find his way!
Well I will try to keep up with these posts and keep it up to date and informed of what is happening. I am sending my sister this link so she can sign in, in case something happens to me. I want her to publish this and show others. Maybe it will help save someone in the future.
Heh....I just thought of something....I should right the State of Michigan and tell them my story. It is insulting that this man is being released and it is his 5th felony. Michigan is a three strikes and your out state, so a 4th felony is reason to put you in prison for a life term.
Get this....he told the parole board it was all a misunderstanding. I was like wa.. wa.. wa.. what!!!!! Wait a minute, there was no misunderstanding. There was no misunderstanding when he showed up at my door that morning three years ago and there was no mistake what his intentions where if I would of opened up that door to him. I had him served with a PPO for a reason and he blatantly violated it. He must of thought I didn't mean it. That was his fault. I bet he will still try to find me. I changed my home and my car. I hope to God I have done enough to change. He is in Detroit right now at a detention facility on Ryan. That is not far from me as I write this. I wonder where he is being released to. I want to be one step ahead of him in case something happens.
I am doing the right thing by protecting and defending myself. More women should do this for themselves. It is liberating. It has a satisfying euphoria all its own. I hope that anyone who is reading this will find my personal story useful.
I used to be ashamed of what happened to me. I was a police officer. This is not supposed to happen to police officers. Because of my poor choice in dating and living with him I lost my job and many friends. I lost my self worth and confidence. I lost the respect of some of my family and peers. Most of all I put my son through hell due to my selfish decision making. Thank God for my mother and sister and Melissa!!!! They helped save me and bring my son up when I fell. He is a good man, I am so very proud of him. That is my baby, the reason I get up every morning and breath. He has some issues stemming from the DV but he will find his way!
Well I will try to keep up with these posts and keep it up to date and informed of what is happening. I am sending my sister this link so she can sign in, in case something happens to me. I want her to publish this and show others. Maybe it will help save someone in the future.
Heh....I just thought of something....I should right the State of Michigan and tell them my story. It is insulting that this man is being released and it is his 5th felony. Michigan is a three strikes and your out state, so a 4th felony is reason to put you in prison for a life term.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
One more parole board meeting
I met with a parole board member on March 9th, 2007. Each Year, since Jeff has been in prison I have made sure to call the parole board and tell them why I don't want him released. Of course the end result is up to them. I just hope that keeps him in prison. Each year I just pray for one more year. It is so important for survivors to be involved in the whole process. Including the correctional part.
I drove all the way to Lansing and as usual my sister met me there so I wouldn't have to walk this journey alone! This was the first time I actually met with a parole board member face to face, all the other times it was done over the phone.
At the end of the meeting the parole board member stated that Jeff was diagnosed with a mental illness while in prison....DUH!!!!! I could have told you the asshole was CRAZY!!!! The board member also stated that Jeff had finished the mandatory domestic violence program while in prison....then he uttered the next statement as if it were nothing and no big deal....the board memeber stated that Jeff told the parole board "it was all a big misunderstanding." You have got to be kidding me right? A big misunderstanding? I just know he will not be released and I will be safe another year because obviously ass hole, crazy, monster learned nothing from the classes and has put the blame on me for misunderstanding him.....wtf ever!!!! Well we will see what happens!
I drove all the way to Lansing and as usual my sister met me there so I wouldn't have to walk this journey alone! This was the first time I actually met with a parole board member face to face, all the other times it was done over the phone.
At the end of the meeting the parole board member stated that Jeff was diagnosed with a mental illness while in prison....DUH!!!!! I could have told you the asshole was CRAZY!!!! The board member also stated that Jeff had finished the mandatory domestic violence program while in prison....then he uttered the next statement as if it were nothing and no big deal....the board memeber stated that Jeff told the parole board "it was all a big misunderstanding." You have got to be kidding me right? A big misunderstanding? I just know he will not be released and I will be safe another year because obviously ass hole, crazy, monster learned nothing from the classes and has put the blame on me for misunderstanding him.....wtf ever!!!! Well we will see what happens!
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Its been a while
It has been a while since I posted on this sight. I just wanted to update it. I received a letter from the State Of Michigans Corrections Division. Jeff was denied his parol back in March. However, they sent me notice that he was moved. I called and they said it was for no reason. Just moving him from time to time. He was not able to be parolled for 18 months. That was the good news. I will now wait until they send me a notice of his pending parloe hearing and make an appointment to meet with the parole board personally. Survivors of Domestic Violence should be active in this type of role or else the state will assume that they don't care and it is ok to release a violent person. Somewhere in the middle you have to take a deep breath and live.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Day to Day
Still have not had the time to take the PPO down to get signed. I will have to definitely do it this week. I have been working three jobs and it is getting ruff. I have to give my dog away and I have to put my cat down. I may take her with me. I have to teach her not to jump out on the kitchen counters or table. I just do not have the heart to put her down. She does not seem to be in pain and she is eating real good. She prefers soft food and I suppose that is due to her age. My sister told me that I need to get some balls and stop being a baby. She is a bit more callus then I but down deep she is mushy.
My sister is such a saint to me. She has taken my son in to finish school. Robin has already done so much for him in the short time that he has been there. I am going to have to do something special for her and my mother. It is as if she is the older sister and I am the young, immature one.
I am moving into a one bedroom apartment and trying to cut my expenses down. I have to do my taxes soon. I am late on one year. I forgot about them. I have pension taxes to do as well. I am tired of being behind and I am tired of procrastinating. My goal this year is to eat right, treat myself good and to get my finances in order. I owe so much money that I must start repaying every one back. This is the time of year. Tis the season.
My sister is such a saint to me. She has taken my son in to finish school. Robin has already done so much for him in the short time that he has been there. I am going to have to do something special for her and my mother. It is as if she is the older sister and I am the young, immature one.
I am moving into a one bedroom apartment and trying to cut my expenses down. I have to do my taxes soon. I am late on one year. I forgot about them. I have pension taxes to do as well. I am tired of being behind and I am tired of procrastinating. My goal this year is to eat right, treat myself good and to get my finances in order. I owe so much money that I must start repaying every one back. This is the time of year. Tis the season.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Phew!!!!!
Well I did get a PPO and filled it out. I have to find time next week to take it down to court and have it signed by the judge. I will get it done. It is important.
I just found out today that my son is alergic to everything. I should of taken him to an allergist years ago. I was not the most attentive mother. He really suffered because of my own selfishness. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and do it all over again. The young man is allergic to all dairy products, trees, pollen, molds, dust, animals ect..... He has to take a allergy shot each week for the next five years. At the end of the five years he could be allergy and asthma free. My sister took him to the doctor. Something I should of done years ago. It is difficult to come to terms with my inability to raise my son properly. I have to take responsibility for my own mistakes. I was in no way perfect and I skipped out on some of the big things because it was an inconvience to me. I put my own life first instead of his. That was and is unacceptable. I feel so much sorrow for him and guilt. I can only apologize and turn it around and be the best mother I can be now.
I just found out today that my son is alergic to everything. I should of taken him to an allergist years ago. I was not the most attentive mother. He really suffered because of my own selfishness. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and do it all over again. The young man is allergic to all dairy products, trees, pollen, molds, dust, animals ect..... He has to take a allergy shot each week for the next five years. At the end of the five years he could be allergy and asthma free. My sister took him to the doctor. Something I should of done years ago. It is difficult to come to terms with my inability to raise my son properly. I have to take responsibility for my own mistakes. I was in no way perfect and I skipped out on some of the big things because it was an inconvience to me. I put my own life first instead of his. That was and is unacceptable. I feel so much sorrow for him and guilt. I can only apologize and turn it around and be the best mother I can be now.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
PPO
On Tuesday morning I have to go and renew my ppo against J. He is in prison and it is a formality for me. Just in case they parole him. I have to say that taking an active role in the correctional process has been just as freeing as following through with the court proceedings. I found that to be a euphoric experience. It was the first time I followed through with the charges against him, however it was not the first time he beat me or was arrested. At the time I thought it was nearly impossible to follow through with charges against him. I wrestled with the feeling that I loved him, just not what he was doing to me and my son. Now I look back and realize that it was not love on either of our part. It was control, anger and abuse on his part and a dysfunctional, low self esteem and self worth feeling on my part. If he was not violated and sent back to prison the first time I know it would of been living hell. I would not be alive. That was GOD intervening and hearing my plea for help. It was the prayers of my family and myself. When he was released and violated within only a week I was so angry. How dare he come back. He did not realize I had changed and was not the same person. He did not realize I would have no problem sending right back to prison and this time I did it not only for the nerve he had to show up on my front door step, but for every single time he ever touched me or my son. My son said he never did anything to him but scare him. However, I think something happened that he is not telling me. I wish I knew for sure whether it was just my paranoia or not. Anyway, J could rot in a prison for the rest of his life for all I care. He does not deserve to see the light of day again.
He worked so hard to manipulate me to have control of me. It is taking longer to regain that control. People like him (both men and women) are Dr. Jeckles and Mr. Hydes. They are sheep in lions clothing. When they attack it is, most times, to late and hard to get out of. I applaud the person who is able to do it right away. However, I know that just because I now have the strength, not everyone does. You have do dig deep. You have to love yourself and your children more then the air you breath. Especially the children. It does get better. I had finally realized,for myself, that I did not have to be that desparate for someone's love and acceptance. Don't let those emotions rule you. You should rule them. I have no problem turning men away now. In fact it makes me ill the way some come on to me. Before I would of thought "oh man they like me, I have to be with them" not so anymore. Most times they are looking for one thing and one thing only. The same as before. What is different now is how I react to them and what I think of myself. I definitely have a long way to go. I still have other issues. However, choosing the wrong men and letting them abuse me and me abusing myself is not one of them. For that I have to thank "GOD" for all the blessings that he has bestowed onto me. (my own personal belief, not necessarily of anyone else's) Anyway it is time to go home and that is my thoughts for today. My own personal journey of healing and coming to terms with my life.
He worked so hard to manipulate me to have control of me. It is taking longer to regain that control. People like him (both men and women) are Dr. Jeckles and Mr. Hydes. They are sheep in lions clothing. When they attack it is, most times, to late and hard to get out of. I applaud the person who is able to do it right away. However, I know that just because I now have the strength, not everyone does. You have do dig deep. You have to love yourself and your children more then the air you breath. Especially the children. It does get better. I had finally realized,for myself, that I did not have to be that desparate for someone's love and acceptance. Don't let those emotions rule you. You should rule them. I have no problem turning men away now. In fact it makes me ill the way some come on to me. Before I would of thought "oh man they like me, I have to be with them" not so anymore. Most times they are looking for one thing and one thing only. The same as before. What is different now is how I react to them and what I think of myself. I definitely have a long way to go. I still have other issues. However, choosing the wrong men and letting them abuse me and me abusing myself is not one of them. For that I have to thank "GOD" for all the blessings that he has bestowed onto me. (my own personal belief, not necessarily of anyone else's) Anyway it is time to go home and that is my thoughts for today. My own personal journey of healing and coming to terms with my life.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Having flash backs
Sounds crazy I know. It has been a little over three years and I still have flashbacks of some of the terrible moments and guilt over not being there for my son. Maybe it is because I have not received notice of the parole boards decision to grant or deny J's parole. I was told that it was not sceen as a chance for him to parole right now. However, he always gets out on parole. He is a habitual offender and a habitual parole and probation violater. I don't understand why he is not sitting in prison right now for the rest of his life with no chance of parole. For what he did to my son and I he should rot in a prison cell. If he gets out I will have to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life. I feel I have paid enough for my horrible decision to have a relationship with him. I have lost my career at one department, I have moved over three times, in which he found me, and my credit, selfesteem and self worth is shot. I have no more trust for people and I am afraid to love again. My son can not sleep at night, he has behavioral problems now that he did not have before. He has had to leave to stay with my sister and I feel like a complete failure at every thing.
So as I said in the beginning I have flashbacks or memories of such horrible attacks on myself and my son. He is truely a sick man that needs to be locked up for life. I fear he will end up killing me. I don't know what else to do.
So as I said in the beginning I have flashbacks or memories of such horrible attacks on myself and my son. He is truely a sick man that needs to be locked up for life. I fear he will end up killing me. I don't know what else to do.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Suriving
Well today I do not feel as bad as I did yesterday when I got the ticket. I was so upset. It is not the end of the world. I have to work several jobs and am in school full time trying to get my life back together. I have not been able to pay my rent for the month of November and it is now nearly December. So no I did not need to get the ticket and I should of payed more attention. I will for now on.
Such is life....I will just pick myself up, dust my self off and do it all over again.
Tracie
Such is life....I will just pick myself up, dust my self off and do it all over again.
Tracie
Monday, November 28, 2005
Perfect
What is perfect? The fact that I got a ticket today for making a prohibited left turn. $110 for the turn. Beautiful!!!! If it is not one thing it is another!
Sunday, November 27, 2005
surviving the violence
As I reflect back on my life, approximately three years, I see a different person. I look back and ask my self why did I LET him beat me. Why did I let him control me in every sense of my being? Why did I allow him into my life only to destroy everything I worked so hard for? Why did I expose my son to such horrors and guilt? The guilt he feels of not being able to save his mother at 13 years old. Something my baby should have never experienced! Gone was his innocence....Gone was the happiness....Gone was the spark for life and the self esteem that he once possessed. Gone was his respect and confidence in me......Gone were his grades and ability to socialize......Gone is what he is now because he chose to live with his Aunt instead of me.......What he was left with was recurring night terrors, inability to sleep at night......A lot of anger towards me, unable to be alone at night.....Unable to communicate with me.....Unable to trust me.
My son and I are going to be o.k. I am still his mother and he is still my son. He tells me now that he loves me and forgives me. He wants to go back to school where his aunt lives and needs some space. I agree and will not stand in his way to heal. I will not stand in his way to succeed. I will not stand in his way to challenge himself. For once I will be a good mother!
Now I have to work harder to forgive myself. I thought I had....But I still feel guilt at how I was so selfish and exposed him to misery. No parent should ever do that. Each day I tell my self that my son is my life and I made some mistakes that I can not change. Just learn from and don't repeat. I know that I am not alone in these feelings.
I try to control every thing so I don't loose control. Does that make sense? I work one part time job and a full time job while I return to school to work on my Bachelors Degree. Once a week I clean someone's house for a little extra money. I strive to make my life better so I can be a better mother.
Well that is just a little insight about the past three years.
OHHHHHH!!!!!!! The man that beat me went to prison in September of 2003 and I served him with a PPO while he was in prison. In May of 2004 he was released and found me with in a week. He showed up on my front door step pounding on my door and window threatening me. I was a police officer at the time and had a gun. I was terrified. He threatened to kidnap me, torture me and burn me alive if he went back to prison because of me. He had attempted to kill me in the past. He held my gun to my head and sissor's to my chest. He hung me by my neck with his bare hands in mid air and strangled me numerous times until I passed out, he continually raped me. So I say it again....I was terrified and shot at him and called the police. They located him staying in a motel less then a mile and a half from my home. He is currently in prison for Aggravated Stalking (attempted) and violation of parole. I agreed to let him plea to the attempt instead of aggravated. The difference was a few months and my family and I were exhausted. (they came to court with me) Each year I have him served with a PPO regardless if he is incarcerated or not. It is for my protection. They can release him at any time. The scary thing was that the night before he showed up on my door step I could feel someone watching me. I just could not see him. My cat growled at the window all night. I now know it was him.
My son and I are going to be o.k. I am still his mother and he is still my son. He tells me now that he loves me and forgives me. He wants to go back to school where his aunt lives and needs some space. I agree and will not stand in his way to heal. I will not stand in his way to succeed. I will not stand in his way to challenge himself. For once I will be a good mother!
Now I have to work harder to forgive myself. I thought I had....But I still feel guilt at how I was so selfish and exposed him to misery. No parent should ever do that. Each day I tell my self that my son is my life and I made some mistakes that I can not change. Just learn from and don't repeat. I know that I am not alone in these feelings.
I try to control every thing so I don't loose control. Does that make sense? I work one part time job and a full time job while I return to school to work on my Bachelors Degree. Once a week I clean someone's house for a little extra money. I strive to make my life better so I can be a better mother.
Well that is just a little insight about the past three years.
OHHHHHH!!!!!!! The man that beat me went to prison in September of 2003 and I served him with a PPO while he was in prison. In May of 2004 he was released and found me with in a week. He showed up on my front door step pounding on my door and window threatening me. I was a police officer at the time and had a gun. I was terrified. He threatened to kidnap me, torture me and burn me alive if he went back to prison because of me. He had attempted to kill me in the past. He held my gun to my head and sissor's to my chest. He hung me by my neck with his bare hands in mid air and strangled me numerous times until I passed out, he continually raped me. So I say it again....I was terrified and shot at him and called the police. They located him staying in a motel less then a mile and a half from my home. He is currently in prison for Aggravated Stalking (attempted) and violation of parole. I agreed to let him plea to the attempt instead of aggravated. The difference was a few months and my family and I were exhausted. (they came to court with me) Each year I have him served with a PPO regardless if he is incarcerated or not. It is for my protection. They can release him at any time. The scary thing was that the night before he showed up on my door step I could feel someone watching me. I just could not see him. My cat growled at the window all night. I now know it was him.
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