PPO

On Tuesday morning I have to go and renew my ppo against J. He is in prison and it is a formality for me. Just in case they parole him. I have to say that taking an active role in the correctional process has been just as freeing as following through with the court proceedings. I found that to be a euphoric experience. It was the first time I followed through with the charges against him, however it was not the first time he beat me or was arrested. At the time I thought it was nearly impossible to follow through with charges against him. I wrestled with the feeling that I loved him, just not what he was doing to me and my son. Now I look back and realize that it was not love on either of our part. It was control, anger and abuse on his part and a dysfunctional, low self esteem and self worth feeling on my part. If he was not violated and sent back to prison the first time I know it would of been living hell. I would not be alive. That was GOD intervening and hearing my plea for help. It was the prayers of my family and myself. When he was released and violated within only a week I was so angry. How dare he come back. He did not realize I had changed and was not the same person. He did not realize I would have no problem sending right back to prison and this time I did it not only for the nerve he had to show up on my front door step, but for every single time he ever touched me or my son. My son said he never did anything to him but scare him. However, I think something happened that he is not telling me. I wish I knew for sure whether it was just my paranoia or not. Anyway, J could rot in a prison for the rest of his life for all I care. He does not deserve to see the light of day again.
He worked so hard to manipulate me to have control of me. It is taking longer to regain that control. People like him (both men and women) are Dr. Jeckles and Mr. Hydes. They are sheep in lions clothing. When they attack it is, most times, to late and hard to get out of. I applaud the person who is able to do it right away. However, I know that just because I now have the strength, not everyone does. You have do dig deep. You have to love yourself and your children more then the air you breath. Especially the children. It does get better. I had finally realized,for myself, that I did not have to be that desparate for someone's love and acceptance. Don't let those emotions rule you. You should rule them. I have no problem turning men away now. In fact it makes me ill the way some come on to me. Before I would of thought "oh man they like me, I have to be with them" not so anymore. Most times they are looking for one thing and one thing only. The same as before. What is different now is how I react to them and what I think of myself. I definitely have a long way to go. I still have other issues. However, choosing the wrong men and letting them abuse me and me abusing myself is not one of them. For that I have to thank "GOD" for all the blessings that he has bestowed onto me. (my own personal belief, not necessarily of anyone else's) Anyway it is time to go home and that is my thoughts for today. My own personal journey of healing and coming to terms with my life.