Conversation about mental and verbal aabuse

Ya know I had a conversation with my mother about mental and verbal abuse. In fact, she has been going through the same thing for years. Her husband has been doing it from day one. He was always jealous of us and mean to us. He then moved that jealousy on to my son as well. He called us names (barrel butt and Orka)while growing up (don't you think that would be damaging to a 5 and 7 year old?) and thought less of us while they were adults. Except for my brother. He loves my brother. I think he grew attached to my brother because he lost his own son to suicide about 2o years ago. Kent is a recovered alcoholic. He was mean when we were little when he did drink his checks away, and his is just as mean now while sober.

As tragic as that was, he still was jealous of my sister and I and the attention my mom would give us. Of course he would deny it till the sun come up and the cows come home. He doesn't want to be seen as the monster, yet he finds great joy in being the devil and causing misery behind closed doors. He feeds off the pity of others. Yet unbeknown to them he is an asshole in disguise. To this day he swears to my mom that I cussed him out before and told him to mind his own "fucking business". I would remember if I said that to him. I never did. He made it up. I think my mom believes him. Not sure and don't care. I didn't say it. He had a heart attack after that and blamed it on me. Yet I distinctly remember being told he didn't feel good before that and was upset that my mom left to pick up my son instead of take care of him. So if I am going to be accused of saying such a disrespectful thing I will say it now........"KENT MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There! I said it! Ya know he was mean to my son and my son was like mom I want to cuss him out and I told him no don't be disrespectful. I told him that grandma has to hear it from him and we don't want her to suffer. I told him that we all know he is an asshole and to ignore him. My son had to literally stay in the basement while living there. Kent did the same thing with my sister as well when she got pregnant at 17 and went to live with them. Why should my mothers daughter have to stay in my mothers room (Kent snores and mom doesn't sleep with him) until she gets home from work? Now I have to say that my step sisters and brother all lived with him for a period of 5 years or so in total. That was no problem. Yet when it comes to my sister and I we are a problem. Well he has continuously called my mom a bad mother and tells her we are problem kids. I said ma.....you need to tell him he has no room to talk with his alcoholic ass. Isn't it his son that was an alcoholic too and killed himself, one of his daughters has had some psychiatric issues and had to stay at a mental facility for a short while and the other daughter has married an someone that is a similar match to him. (Not in attitude. My sisters husband is a nice man, he just drinks to much from what I have saw on the holidays and from what I was told.) Come on!!!!!!!!!!! He feels so low that he picks on my mom to make him self feel better. I feel so bad for my mom. She has put up with this type of behavior for years. Yet I see her as a strong women!!!!!! This is my mom and she deserves to be treated like a queen. My grandparents are and were wonderful people. I see her having the love that they had. So much to give. My grandparents took care of their kids, others kids, their grand kids and great grand kids. Always always so wonderful!!!!!!!! I miss my grandma and grandpa!!!!!! (grandma passed more then 10 years ago and my grandpa is in North Carolina) I can't miss anther family event. I have to find away to go to my other grandmas surprise birthday bash. I will call my sister. Well....lets get back on track.....

My mom....I could only dream that I am half the women and grandma she is! Anyway.......(with tears in my eyes) there are so many stories that my mom has told me that would take up the next several pages so I must move on. Needless to say, my mom split from her husband back in January. He has been on a mission to make everyone think she is the devil and we are her spawn. That is what a true monster does. That was Jeff's issue too. Never wanted to look back and made myself and his other girlfriend look like crazy bitches. We were the monsters and he was the victim. That is the same thing that is going on with my mom and her husband.

Now my mom has left him as of this past January and he is still trying to get people to believe he is the victim. I did speak to my sister about this post and she disagreed with some of the things I said. About my moms strength as a women. She was not always strong for herself or us. Now that she is 60 she took the big leap to stick up for herself and that is a good thing. No matter the age, no one should put up with any type of abuse. During the past few years she has been strong for me and not so much for her self. I wish she would of put her foot down years ago. My heart breaks for her. I still hope I grow old and be half the women she is now in my eyes. My mom and I are one of a kind. I have mirrored her behavior with men throughout my life almost down to the tee. I did not do it consciously either. I did not see it until the last few years.

I am in no way perfect and still suffer from some insecurities and trust issues. But I am working on it. I am not in an abusive relationship either and that is a lot. My boo is real good to me. Doesn't call me names or hit me. We get in spats and he is not always right and neither am I. We work it out. I wanted to stop the pattern. I don't want my son to follow my route and mirror my life.

Tired tired tired...did ya hear me tired!

Ok I just got back from doing a run/walk. Ran one mile and walked the other. My feet hurt...must be the shoes. Anyway, I am feeling ok today. My boyfriend and I got into a tiff, but that is all. Since I have been layed off I have done absolutely nothing. I have been so lazy. It is the first time in four years I had any time off from a job. For the past four years I have worked at least two jobs if not three. I go back to work Monday. They called me back. Yeah!!!!! Gotta get my act together.

I have been blessed. Life has been good to me. It is all in the decisions I make for my self. I feel...(my own opinion) that if I am honest and make honest decisions life goes much smoother. Even if a rock is thrown in the road. I just have to take a deep breath and take a few minutes to reflect then move on. I have always had a problem with my impulses and immeadiate self gratification. It helps to do some reflecting.

I re-contacted Jeff's parole officer. We played phone tag. She has yet to call me back. Unfortunately officers get cold hearted and judge people and categorize them in the same pile of violent, manipulating criminals they deal with day in an day out with out knowing them. I am afraid she may be that type. We will see. If she does not call me by tomorrow I will call the head guy and talk to him.

People if you have any problem whatsoever, keep diligent. Some of these workers are so busy they just as soon blow you off and go about their business then to do what is right. I have found that I have to keep calling and asking questions and getting information. Unfortunately, they can't protect me, only I can protect me. If all I have is the information and my wits then so be it. I'll be damned if they ignore me. I'm going to get the information I need to help secure my self. That goes for anyone in any situation. Your life is your own. No one is going to live it for you. No one is going to save you. You have to do it for yourself. Their are people out their that will support you in everything you do and give you the tools to work with. At the end of the day it is up to you what you will do with those tools and how you will use them.

Enough of that. On a good note my flowers that I planted are still alive and that is a miracle in its own.

Ok its been a few days......

Ok so its been a few days. I had nothing to really say. I did contact Jeff's parole officer. I needed to know about the electronic monitoring system he is wearing. Does he have to stay at home or can he wonder anywhere around Wayne County? We have missed each others call, however, I will speak to her today or tomorrow.

I slept well last night and went for a walk this morning. This evening I will go to Curves then go running afterwards. Or I will just go running and go to Curves for the next few days. We will have to see. Anyway..... I am doing well. That's all for now.....

Great link to read about effects of domestic violence on children

I have been talking all about affects of domestic violence on children and my own son. Here is a good link to visit to read up on the effects. I will post more effects as I find them.

http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/childrendomesticviolence.html

Last night

Last night I took two sleeping pills to knock me out fort he night. I didn't wake up until about 545 this morning. Then I spent until 700 dozing in and out of consciousness. I am still a bit groggy from the pills but I slept with out worry and fear for the first night since he has been out. When I write this I sound so worrisome. But I know not to underestimate someone. Especially him.

When I was a police officer I handled oh so many cases involving domestic violence. I never dreamed I would be a victim myself. Truthfully I did not think I would be alive by Christmas of 2003 if he hadn't of gone to jail.

So here I am 4 years later rattling off my memoirs for all to see. Just some food for thought, I didn't love myself enough to tell him goodbye, so long, fare well after he hit me the first time. How do you feel about your self? Worthless? Unworthy of someones love, affection and attention? Like you deserve what you get? Like you can't do anything right? You start believing what the monster tells you and says about you? Then, in my eyes, you don't love yourself. You don't believe in yourself. I can't tell you how liberating and euphoric it is to get away from someone who is so violent and destructive to your physical and mental well being. It is even better when you follow through with some charges of domestic violence and see them off to jail or prison. It helps you heal to do the right thing. If you have children, it helps them to. It shows them that there are consequences to bad behavior. It shows them not to put up with abuse of any sort and to report it. It shows them, as hard as it may be emotionally and financially, you can be strong and make the right decisions for them and yourself. It makes them feel safe with you and safe from no more harm. When it boils down to it, children should be number ONE above all else. If you don't leave for yourself and do the right thing, do it for the safety and the sanctity of your children who deserve and good, safe, loving life free from such monstrosities.

If you don't have children then get out of the situation. Police, doctors, advocates, the courts they can only do so much.They have no magic wand that will make the monsters disappear. They can only provide you with some of the tools to help you. You have to want it for yourself. You have to love your self. You need counseling!!! No ifs ands or buts!!! So many people return to the abuser or they enter another relationship with some one who is abusive. Stop that cycle and take control of your life. Don't let it control you!!!!

Thats all for now.

So much for.......

So much for not letting things get to me. Last night was the worst! I didn't get any sleep. I heard every little sound and crash and shake. Of course it was thundering and lightening which added to my anxiety. Slept with a gun clutched in my hand. (That's how much I don't trust this man, How much I am afraid he will follow through on his threats.) This is good to keep a daily account of what is going on in my head since he has been out.

Got up made the love if my life breakfast and went back to bed and slept like a log. Felt much safer with him home. He really has been good to me and spoils me rotten!!! Ha Ha! He has been by my side and stayed there! He is a real man!!!!!!!!!! Well I am going to clean for a bit then go and pay this phone bill I forgot to pay. Then I am going to work out. Today, tomorrow and Sunday I will run like wild fire to get some more of this weight off. That seems to be helping.

Until then........

Not so good memories

As the last few nights have past since Jeff's release I have been thinking a lot about what happened to me and how I could of let something like that happen. He was doing what he has done all his life and I was doing what I always did. I let people do what they wanted all in the name of love. Well what I thought was love. More like just looking for anyone to love me. That type of desperation always has devastating affects, at least for me anyway. To bad I'm almost 40 and figuring it out. I wasted all those years. It makes me sad to think what kind of life my son and I could of had if I could of loved my self more. Not loving myself enough affected my son. He was just a little boy. I loved him more then I love my self. Even today. I guess that is what moms do. He is my son. The very breath I take.

I was always looking for a male figure to love me. I didn't know what love was. Maybe I still don't. Does anyone ever really know? Well as I drive down streets, go into certain neighboring towns, visit stores, restaurants etc; I am reminded on a daily basis of that violent time in my life. Such ciaos, such sorrow, such regret, such confusion, such inner-turmoil, such devastation, such loneliness, such distrust, such emptiness! I think of all the beatings and injuries. I had my nose and cheek bones fractured, I was always swollen and bruised. Black eyes and dislocated fingers and toes. I would run and he would catch me. Spit on me, choked me, strangled me numerous times, to many to count. He hung me up off the floor by my neck with his bare hands, he held my gun to my head and scissors to my chest telling me he was going to kill me and he raped me. He jumped out of the back seat of a car when I was with my friend, he is an evil evil rotten human being. He is a monster! All the times I thought of just taking my son and hiding. All the times I didn't. All the times I hid from him in the basement storage unit, on a moldy, dirty, bug infested floor behind a locked cage. All the times my son slept at his friends because he could not come home to the violence any longer. All the lies I told everyone as I continued to let this man back into our lives over and over again. All the lies I told my self. I was just so afraid and lost. All the times I told my son I wouldn't let him back in the house and I did. All the times we chased after my son and brought him back in the house when he tried to go for safety. All the times I just gave up on my self. All the pain it caused my son. Only to find out later that he laid his hands on my son when I wasn't there. All those times.

There was not a time when I didn't have a bruise on my body. There were times when I wasn't covered from head to toe with new bruises, old bruises, healing bruises, new injuries, old injuries, healing injuries. The guilt I feel today will never pass. It stays with me as a constant reminder of what not to let back into my life. A constant reminder that I love myself more then anyone can ever love me. That I love my son more then life it self. I tell him constantly that I'm sorry and that it wasn't his fault. It was my job to protect him and I failed him. I tell him that it is over and he can't hurt us anymore and I need for him to get couceling. He saw a lot of things that he should of never saw. He heard a lot of things that he should of never heard. He felt a lot of things that a child should never feel. He is my soldier. Children are so fragile yet so strong. However, these experiences will stay with him for the rest of his life. He was so young, however, he is haunted by the fact that he could not help me or save me. How could he, he was only a small boy. I have told him that there is nothing he could of done. I told him that it was mommy's fault for allowing this man in our lives after the first time he hit me and the second and the third. The blame a child takes on is soooooo intense. I didn't realize it until he confessed it to me after a couple of years of lashing out. He was very angry with Jeff and with me. Me mostly. I was supposed to protect him and I didn't. People out there, if you don't do it for yourself, do it for your children. They are defenseless, they are innocent!!!!

My son witnessed the beatings every night. He heard the beatings every night. Then when I was not there Jeff abused him. Kevin said it was only a couple of times, but it was enough to send me into a downward spiral of guilt that you can not imagine. This man is our monster. He haunts our dreams. My son is nearly 19 years old now and has to sleep with the t.v. on for light. He has nightmares and used to wake up at three o'clock in the morning and was awake for the night. He couldn't get up for school in the morning and his grades became worse then what they were. I didn't know how to handle him, nor did I know how to handle myself still. I was soon after fired from my police job and had to work three jobs to get by. On top of that I was going to school and failing miserably myself. I was a mess, he was a mess we just clashed. I didn't know how to be a mom anymore and now it is to late he is grown. All because of my poor decision in dating this man and letting him continue to stay and hurt us.

At the time I was so confused, hurt, lost, empty, felt betrayed but most of all lost and empty. Where did I go? Where did I go? All I can say now is that I hardly let anyone into my life. I trust no one!!!!!!!!!! I have no female friends either outside of my mom and sister. Sure I know people that I have worked with but I am not close to anyone. I want to be but don't know how to be anymore. I would rather be alone. I have forgotten how to socialize and make friends. I can make friends with little old ladies, but not women my own age. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me.

My son says he forgives me. I really hope he does because I am really sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you Kevin!!!!!!!

 

Up early this morning

So I am so totally up early this morning. I am going to go for a jog and do the laundry. Just got out of the shower and am raring to go. Need to get something done. I have been laid off for a month now and have done absolutely nothing. It feels great. Have to remember to water the flowers before I leave. I will get back later and write some more.

In regards to Jeff being released and out there somewhere. I am still so nervous that he will find me. But I still stand by my decision to keep on living my life and being happy. I call it living with more caution then usual. I look over my shoulder a bit more and totally tell my boyfriend where I am at, at all times. Well I am off to a park somewhere in the metro area.

Doctors today

Went to the doctors today. I have this thyroid issue with low blood pressure. I am fatigued all the time. Had some blood taken and got my prescriptions filled. Went to work out and that was it. I had somewhat of a normal day. Nothing spectacular happened. My life is just hohummmmm.....

I am going to be 40 in a month and I have no excitement at all. I want some good excitement. I will have to think of somethings that I want to accomplish by the time I am 45 and do them. Hmmmm lets see what I can come up with. Until tommarrow......

Its the end of the day

Its the end of the day and I made it through a jog at the park and back home. Of course I carried my PPO and some protection. I have decided not to stop living. As unsettling as it is that he is out, I must carry on. If I don't he will have still controlled me and I won't let that happen anymore. Well that is it for now. Not much more to say but it is time to rest.

Today is the day

Well today is the day that the monster was released from jail. Today is the day that I look over my shoulder every where I go. Today is the day that I carry something to protect myself in case he comes to find me. Today is the day that I fear for my life when I leave the house. Today is the day that I say a prayer every time I leave to go somewhere. Today is the day I loose some of the security I felt when he was incarcerated.

I have a PPO, but that wont save me and keep me alive should he attack. Today I lost a freedom I felt when he was locked up, today is a day of sadness and fear for me. Today I have tears in my eyes because I am afraid to leave the house. Today I feel like a prisoner in my own home.

He is being released

Well as of tomorrow, 07/24/07, Jeff is being released from prison. We will see what he has planned. I would really hope he would leave me alone and let me live my life and he live his. However, I fear that I have absolutely no confidence in him doing the right thing. We shall see. I fear that he will keep his promise to kidnap me, torture me and burn me alive. Who knows how or when. He always promised to burn me alive. He also told me if any of his people were arrested he would blame it on me and he would have to kill me to save face. All these emotions and memories are resurfacing and I am a little unsettled. I still have to go on with my life. I know that I have to take measures to protect myself. I had him served with a PPO while he was still in prison and I will now carry my gun with me everywhere I go. I have a CCW and will do what ever I have to, to protect my self and my family from this deranged man.

Get this....he told the parole board it was all a misunderstanding. I was like wa.. wa.. wa.. what!!!!! Wait a minute, there was no misunderstanding. There was no misunderstanding when he showed up at my door that morning three years ago and there was no mistake what his intentions where if I would of opened up that door to him. I had him served with a PPO for a reason and he blatantly violated it. He must of thought I didn't mean it. That was his fault. I bet he will still try to find me. I changed my home and my car. I hope to God I have done enough to change. He is in Detroit right now at a detention facility on Ryan. That is not far from me as I write this. I wonder where he is being released to. I want to be one step ahead of him in case something happens.

I am doing the right thing by protecting and defending myself. More women should do this for themselves. It is liberating. It has a satisfying euphoria all its own. I hope that anyone who is reading this will find my personal story useful.

I used to be ashamed of what happened to me. I was a police officer. This is not supposed to happen to police officers. Because of my poor choice in dating and living with him I lost my job and many friends. I lost my self worth and confidence. I lost the respect of some of my family and peers. Most of all I put my son through hell due to my selfish decision making. Thank God for my mother and sister and Melissa!!!! They helped save me and bring my son up when I fell. He is a good man, I am so very proud of him. That is my baby, the reason I get up every morning and breath. He has some issues stemming from the DV but he will find his way!

Well I will try to keep up with these posts and keep it up to date and informed of what is happening. I am sending my sister this link so she can sign in, in case something happens to me. I want her to publish this and show others. Maybe it will help save someone in the future.

Heh....I just thought of something....I should right the State of Michigan and tell them my story. It is insulting that this man is being released and it is his 5th felony. Michigan is a three strikes and your out state, so a 4th felony is reason to put you in prison for a life term.

One more parole board meeting

I met with a parole board member on March 9th, 2007. Each Year, since Jeff has been in prison I have made sure to call the parole board and tell them why I don't want him released. Of course the end result is up to them. I just hope that keeps him in prison. Each year I just pray for one more year. It is so important for survivors to be involved in the whole process. Including the correctional part.

I drove all the way to Lansing and as usual my sister met me there so I wouldn't have to walk this journey alone! This was the first time I actually met with a parole board member face to face, all the other times it was done over the phone.

At the end of the meeting the parole board member stated that Jeff was diagnosed with a mental illness while in prison....DUH!!!!! I could have told you the asshole was CRAZY!!!! The board member also stated that Jeff had finished the mandatory domestic violence program while in prison....then he uttered the next statement as if it were nothing and no big deal....the board memeber stated that Jeff told the parole board "it was all a big misunderstanding." You have got to be kidding me right? A big misunderstanding? I just know he will not be released and I will be safe another year because obviously ass hole, crazy, monster learned nothing from the classes and has put the blame on me for misunderstanding him.....wtf ever!!!! Well we will see what happens!