Florence + The Machine - Dog Days Are Over (2010 Version)

I love you bigger then the moon, bigger then the sun, bigger then the earth......

Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I love you bigger then the moon, bigger then the sun, bigger then the earth......

"I LOVE YOU BIGGER THEN THE MOON, BIGGER THEN THE SUN, BIGGER THEN THE EARTH, BIGGER THEN THE SKY, BIGGER THEN THE UNIVERSE, BIGGER THEN THE ETERNITY......I LOVE YOU MY SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"That was a little saying I came up with when he was just a little boy. Kevin was and still is my world. A parent has to loosen those apron strings and let their child grow and move on, but nothing can ever severe them and make you feel less love, sadness, shame, sorrow or guilt when it comes to your baby. My hopes for my son is for him to finally realize what a wonderful man he is and that his potential for greatness is only limited by his own fear and lack of self worth and self esteem. I want him to reacquaint himself with his inner happy child and re-grow into that adult he was meant to be. I want him to realize how talented he is and that the world is his to explore!!!!!!!!!This story isn’t really about me it is about my son and his struggle with himself and the domestic violence that we suffered from which still haunts him to this day. What this is about is documenting as much detail as we can so that we can help others to learn from this experience. It is with my sons support and permission that I document what happened with his and my recollections along with my mother and sister as well. I have made this a family project in hopes that we can all learn, heal, grow and teach each other and reach out and teach as many people as we can. I really had this epiphany when this happened over the past week, as I watched my son lose control of his body with fear in his eyes and as tears streamed down his cheeks. This is no longer about me and my story to try to teach others about domestic violence, it is about my sons story and his experience as a child who suffered from domestic violence and how it has affected him and what we can do to help and heal him first and to teach others. It is a two sided issue to be dealt with simultaneously and with his assistance in front or behind the scenes (as so to speak) we are going to get his story out there so hopefully we can help others who suffer from domestic violence. Many have to hear what he witnessed, saw and experienced to understand or get an idea of what he really went through as a young 14 year old boy.
I never thought my poor choice in a man would affect him so badly......I just never imagined it!!! A parent never wants to think a wrong or poor decision they make may affect their child negatively for life. Nor do they ever think their child may hurt others or themselves because of that one poor choice. They would never want to believe children would attempt to kill themselves or actually follow through and succeed with it. I never thought this would be my son. I always thought my being an example of falling down, picking myself back up and over coming any bump in the road would be almost enough. I did try to get him to go to counseling, but he did not want to go and I still could not face the truth about my responsibility in it all. My son suffered immensely and still does to this day.
Anyone who says kids are resilient can only speak for a few, but not all because it is not true for all children. Children are sponges that soak up everything and the negative can have a long lasting horrific affect on them. Such a horrific affect that they are not able to overcome what haunts them by mere parental examples of strength and perseverance. Some children who have are traumatized deeply can carry the residual effects for the remainder of their lives. They will most times remember details a parent did not remember. They will suffer in more ways than any adult will ever suffer. They will hold inside the resentment, anger, frustration, fear, guilt, low self worth and self-esteem for many, many, many years. Counseling is the first step and making them go is key, regardless if they resist. Make them go and work it out, it is the only way to help them and give them a fighting chance, or else they could end up like my son.

On December 31st at about 11:30 I got a call from my mother who asked if my sister Robin or Joanne called me (my son’s 44 year old girlfriend). First, I have to say when the phone rang that late my first gut reaction was that it was about my son. Then I saw my mother’s number and the time she was calling and knew it was not good. I said, "Now what is wrong" and she said he is being rushed to the hospital he is non-responsive. My heart and stomach just sank. I told her I was on my way. It took me a few minutes to catch my bearings, and then I called Abe (my boyfriend) at work and told him.
I called my mom on the way to Flint to get an update and she stated Kevin overdosed on Benadryl and alcohol. I arrived at the Hospital and met my mom and my sister in the ER waiting room. They both filled me in on more of the story when I arrived. As we sat in the waiting room my sister recalled the experience and stated she went to my son’s house and met with the officer, she had arrived before the ambulance. Robin said Kevin recognized her and was asking for me. They told me he became very combative and belligerent in the ambulance. Finally, the staff let back into the ER to see my son and I could see he was high, very drunk and his body was in distress. He was cussing at the nurses calling them "bitches" and "hoes." Nothing I said could shut him up. He told my mother and me in his drunken state that he took a bottle of Dramamine and had alot of Jagermeister to drink along with numerous shots of alcohol and an unknown amount of beer. He said he took the Dramamine to forget everything bad. I asked him where the alcohol came from and he stated his girlfriend Joanne got it for him and her 18-year-old daughter’s party. My son is not yet 21 either, so why would she buy alcohol for under age kids? He stated that Shantelle's male friend gave him the Dramamine, however, the dosage changed from a whole bottle to seven to twenty. It is still unknown how much he took and regardless his blood alcohol level was .150 and he tested positive for Dramamine in his system. I would like to go back and ask what the level of Dramamine in his system was.

My mother and sister left for home while I continued to stay with him. Two minutes after my mom and sister left, he asked where they were. I said grandma was just standing next to you two minutes ago do you remember? He said no. I asked “do you remember your aunt being here?” and he said yes. Then two minutes later, he asked where his aunt was, I said she went home do you remember her telling you goodbye? He said no. I sat with him making him drink the charcoal. He fought it all the way trying to get me to put it in the garbage and lie for him. I would not do it. Both my mother and I (before she left) told him “this is what you get for being stupid and making the choice to drink and OD on Dramamine.” He did not argue with us too much. The only time he became belligerent was when it came to the medical staff. He did not like the nurses who he stated made fun of him when he first arrived. The whole time I was there with him his eyes would roll to the back of his head, and he would slump over. I would touch his hand or face and tell him to wake up. He would be startled awake. He wanted an anxiety pill still after all that had happened. He complained of his heart beating too fast and that he did not feel well. His eyes always rolling to the back of his head and then he would slip away. I would call for him to awaken again. I was so afraid, and it hurt to see my son in this condition. My heart just crumbled and bled for my baby. God what did I do? I could not help to think that this was my entire fault. That poor decision in a man all those years ago did this. I failed to protect my son and I definitely dropped the ball as his mother. Why did I not see it coming? For goodness sake, I had served as a domestic violence officer for the department I was working for at the time. I used to tell victims what signs to watch out for, but I was to blind to see them myself! Now, my son is dealing with the aftermath of emotions in a way that will destroy him or kill him if he doesn’t get the necessary help he needs right now.

He continued to be loud and obnoxious even when the doctor came in to see him. The doctor told Kevin they were going to admit him into the hospital. I guess him having to drink the huge glass of charcoal was not enough of a clue for him. He became belligerent and loud demanding to go home, who were we to tell him he had to stay and could not leave. It got worse when the nurse, who had already called security, came in. I have to interject to say when he arrived he was placed in soft restraints which he busted out of himself. Then all holy hell broke loose, his emotions started raging and his lips started flapping, I could barely keep up with all things he was saying. He told the nurse to “get the fuck out of his room” if she could not say anything he wanted to hear. He called her a "cunt" and that was it for me. I am a mother first, I grabbed his face and squeezed it like we do when they are young and told him never to call another women that name again. You know that boy (man) grabbed my arm. I was like “oh no you don't, what do you think you’re doing?” The nurse said security was already coming. He had a good grip and was very strong. I knew they were in for a fight as I stepped back, he did not disappoint anyone if they were looking for something exciting to happen in the ER.

Security arrived and I stepped out. He was calling five nurses, two old security guards and a doctor “fat bitches” and “hoes” that needed Jenny Craig. I asked them if they needed my help and they said no. He told the security guard “you can't hold me down; you’re not stronger than me.” He shot straight up and that was it. The doctor grabbed my son by the neck and head and forced him back down to the bed. He was spitting at everyone and trying to bite him or her. They placed a mask over his face. They told me to get out but I sat right there. I did not say a word nor argue with them. I wanted to stay for my son, I know things can get out of hand when people start taking things personal even though my son was not in his right mind and it was the drugs and alcohol talking. Just to know that my son could be that disrespectful and violent was scary and disappointing. Alcohol is, sometimes, called the truth serum; I have seen for myself that is what my son is like when he loses control. He screamed for me repeatedly. I peeked through the back of the curtain and he caught a glimpse of me. He screamed I see you mom come in here, I seen you behind the curtain. The team finally had him in four point leather restraints that he still tried to get out of those. I quietly sat outside of his room. The female doctor then said I could go sit with, but, not to argue with, him. I do not argue with my son, I just do not mince words or put up with his shit. I will not sugar coat things with him. It was not the time to do that. Well, I sat there and was quiet. I spoke to him quietly telling him to lower his voice. I knew that he would not quit and I had to do what I hated to do. I had to leave. It broke my heart and I could not hardly bare to do it. I left and went to the nurses’ desk. I gave them my number to call me if anything happened. As I walked past him he said that's right mom go back to the ghetto of Detroit. I just replied, "I love you Kevin." That is all I could say.

The next day I arrived with very little sleep. My sister said he was awake and doing well. He was tired but a little out of it. He was not hungry. This was my son later that day on January 1st, 2009. He was wide-awake that evening when only 12 hours early he was violent, combative, loud and obnoxious and strapped down to a bed with leather restraints. By that evening, he was talking to me; he apologized and looked at his new phone I had gotten him for Christmas. I left that evening thanking GOD he was ok and had survived the ordeal and the narrow escape of death. I decided to go home, work the next day, and go back to the hospital after work. My sister was going to get up and meet the doctor at the hospital early in the morning. My son lives near Flint with his girlfriend near my sister. I live an hour away in Detroit.

I made it to work that morning on time even though I was so very tired. I was sitting at the ER security desk (yes I work at a hospital)waiting to call my sister to see what the doctor said when she called me stating the doctor ordered a CAT Scan because my son was showing signs of seizing. I left work immediately and arrived at the hospital to find my son sleeping. He looked swollen, but peaceful. He had already had a few little seizures, but came out of them resting looking like he was only sleeping normally.
I sat by his side as the day past along with my sister. About two o’clock Kevin’s girlfriend arrived with her daughter. That visit did not last long because my sister’s anger got the better of her and she bickered back and forth with his girlfriend. My sister grilled her as she stood and tried to defend herself. Most of what she said made no sense and I chimed in a few times asking who bought the alcohol for the party and how did he get the Benadryl? Joanne stated she knew nothing about the party that she was asleep at the house. She said she did not know about the Benadryl either until he appeared non-responsive. Shantelle stated her (unknown) friend bought the alcohol and no one gave him any Benadryl. Kevin’s story from the first night did not match theirs so mine and my sisters’ suspicions, as well as, our anger grew. Next they said the lady that works at the party store bought the alcohol. The story changed constantly but Joanne, Shantelle and Kevin stated everyone had been drinking and were all drunk. The party split up (according to Joanne and Shantelle) because Shantelle told Kevin he had enough to drink and that he was ruining her party. Both she and her mother stated Kevin became confrontational and started to fight Shantelle. Somewhere in the midst of all this Kevin or Shantelle was hit with a glass bottle over his/her, head and Joanne stated she awoke to the fighting and got between them. That is when the story took another twist and did not make sense. Joanne stated she took all the booze away and locked it up. She also said she knew nothing about the party that took place in her home while she slept right up the stairs. Joanne stated Kevin disappeared to an unknown place and she could not find him after she kicked every one out of the apartment. Joanne stated that she thought Kevin left and locked all the doors. Joanne stated she thought Kevin walked to my moms, but she knew my mom moved back home further away and he would not walk that far in the freezing cold with no coat and drunk like that. Well it is more like a duplex so how could she not find him? There are not many places for someone to hide that is passed out so how do you lose a drunken man in a small place? Kevin had stated the first night in the hospital ER he stayed in the apartment and stated Shantelle‘s male friend gave him the Benadryl/Dramamine (they are the same thing) after the fight. HUH!!!!! Why would someone give Kevin a copious amount of Dramamine when he was obviously drunk? Why would anyone give a drunken man or even a sober one for that matter an amount over the recommended dose that was enough for him to overdose and possibly die? It just happened to be after Kevin got into it physically with Shantelle, after Shantelle left a creepy message on Kevin's my space page to "fucking run" back in November of 2008, after he allegedly got into it physically with her mother and allegedly stole from them. (This is my son and I love him but I believe they are telling the truth about his violent temper and stealing) Joanne stated she kicked everyone out of the house. Her daughter went with her friends. They were all drunk and someone had to drive. Now why did she kick a bunch of drunken kids out of the house to drive away, to calm the house down? I thought, huh that was a whole different version then what Kevin told me. I still do not believe a word that came out of her daughters or her mouth. After all, instead of calling 911 because my son was unresponsive she called my mother TWICE, before finally dialing 911. That was only because my mom screamed at her to call 911. At the time I could not feel anything but fear of losing my son and needing to care for him. I later became angry with her after I replayed all the conversations in my head. Why would you wait to call 911 for someone who is nonresponsive? That alone does not make sense, nor did her answer. Joanne said she did not call 911 because she thought Kevin had a warrant and thought police would have arrested him if they came to her home. First, it did not matter if he had a warrant; the police would not arrest him during a medical emergency. Second, he had no warrant. Third, I believe she was afraid she would get in trouble with all the underage drinkers in the house. Fourth, ironically she used to be a sheriff’s deputy before she became ill so she knew the laws, rules and regulations and no officers would make an arrest when he was not responsive and barely breathing. Nothing she said made sense.The argument must have been stressful for him because that is when I saw his first seizure. I saw his leg shaking and I thought he was annoyed with them arguing. Then I saw his face and thought he was smirking like a smart ass so I told him he wasn't sleeping and to answer the question. His girlfriend stated he was smiling and I looked closer because he was not answering me. I got up from my chair at the end of his bed and went right to his face. What I saw sent my heart racing and my stomach queasy. He had a cemented permanent smile on his face that would not go away and his eyes were slit open. The fixed smile reminded me of the exaggerated smile on the “Jokers” face (played by Jack Nicholson) from the movie “Batman.” I said he's seizing and my sister jumped up and got some water on a cloth. His girlfriend and her 18-year-old daughter stood there in tears. I ran and got a doctor/resident who retrieved his nurse. We moved chairs and tables to make room for ourselves and scooted his girlfriend and her daughter out the door out of the way. All we could do is talk to him and try to make him comfortable there was no medication that could help him at this point. My sister and I (unbeknownst to each other) had asked the nurse to have his girlfriend leave and make it family only. I wanted it to be calm and having them there was not a good idea.

My mom and aunt arrived later that afternoon and watched the seizures continue all day. They never really dissipated at all. We all took turns keeping his head cooled off with wet wash clothes and massaged his body because all his muscles were contorted and stiff. He cried from the fear and the pain it caused. His boss arrived that afternoon to visit as well which made my son happy. He could not speak; he only grunted uhhuh and “ehehuh.” He could not even swallow during the seizures so we had to keep suctioning his mouth out. I felt so bad because I knew he must have been thirsty, but he was having trouble even swallowing his saliva. My sister, mother and aunt all left around eight p.m. Kevin’s girlfriend had called Kevin’s father earlier during the day attempting to gain an ally so she could come back to visit. It worked because his father called me and asked to let her see him for an hour. I said ok but he was going to have to listen to the whole story later and understand why we made her leave. I do not think he thought it was a fair trade, but he had no choice. Finally, around nine thirty p.m. when everyone left and the lights were turned out he fell asleep and the seizures were gone. As if by magic, as quick as they came, they were gone. I knew nothing about overdose reaction seizures and still had no clue until the midnight nurse came in and spoke to me. Todd was very informative and helpful. He probably thought I was crazy, not for staying with my son all night, but for seeing a grown women curled up (and uncomfortable) in a hospital chair all night at her sons beside, refusing to leave no matter how uncomfortable I was when the waiting room was down the hall with comfortable couches. Then again most any mother would do the same.

The next day I told my son about his behavior in the ER and he was mortified. I told him the security guard had passed his room and asked if he was the same young man that was in the ER on New Year’s Eve. I said yes sir and the security guard expressed his sadness by what Kevin was going through. The next day Kevin’s dad came to visit him. I had not seen him in years and he looked pretty much the same. More wrinkles, less hair and the same “I love me and the way I look” attitude. Regardless, the man loves his son and I do not ever remember him ever shedding a tear in the 21 years that I have known him, then the night I called him and told him his son was the hospital because he overdosed. I could hear the hurt, pain, anger and fear in his shaky voice all at once. I hope that Kevin moves in with his dad in the future, they need each other whether they know it or not. It is just not in my sons plans right now.
During the hospital stay, my son let me take pictures of him. I now wish I could of gotten pictures on the first day, however, I did not think about it then. I wanted my son to see for himself, and both of us want everyone to see what a possible outcome is of a child who suffers from domestic violence and the aftermath of emotions. Every child is different and children’s reactions vary along with how they live the rest of their lives. My son is just one of many that were not able to come out of it and live a life without suffering the negative consequences.Kevin was released that Sunday evening and he went back home with his girlfriend. He promised to get the drug and psychiatric counseling. He went to some narcotics anonymous classes on his own, but that did not last and he has yet to get any counseling. Before he left, Kevin saw the security guard in the hall and got up out of bed, shook his hand and apologized. Now, I know that Kevin. He will be all right because he has my genes so I know he will not give up and will fight to overcome his problems. We have the best family who stick by each other no matter what.....we also do a lot of praying as a family, something that has been passed down from generation to generation.
Posted by Tracie Dawn at 8:55 PM

Specific incidents

In reading my story I realize it is just an over view of what happened. I live with the memories every day of specific incidents of violence that occurred that no one else knows.

I can see them in my head as if it happened only moments ago. I remember the first beating of being slapped and thrown around, screamed at and spit on. The second beating was a doozy, he did much of the same for a longer period of time calling me names and dragging me back down the apartment steps as I tried to escape to leave. My body falling and slamming down on each step as he dragged me. I screamed as if I was being murdered. My heart was pounding, my head was swimming and I was scared out of my mind. Then the police came and that was one of the last times I stepped into the police department. The day before was the last day I served as a police officer. My career was over. NO support from the department, just a planned termination. I realize now there was never any plan to help me or help me save my career. I was an embarrassment to the department and expendable as an officer. After all, I was only a female officer who chose to love the wrong person. Forget that they had several officers who were corrupt and committing crimes and violating policy and they were defended to the full hilt. I was not advised of my rights as a union member and what my choices were. I was not advised that I had 14 days after turning in my resignation to change my mind and pull the resignation. No one said a dang thing. In fact I remember my union president telling me I might want to think about resigning. The day I turned in my letter he told me ya know they had nothing on you. I was hurt, humiliated, embarrassed, emotionally spent, devastated, judged, ridiculed and just plane gone. I had just lost every thing and little did I know had not even hit bottom yet.


More specific incidents and feeling during those incidents to come..........................

Gods Vessels

I have a friend at work whom is very spiritual. I listen to her often as she has given me some very good insight and advise. One of the things she has said (This is not a quote) is if you ask God he will give it to you and pay close attention to who and what crosses your path, you never know if that was Gods vessel sent to you. Whether is a person or thing God will send it in the strangest and unexpected forms. You never know whom God will send to you, however, don't be blind to the gift. Well I believe I have met my vessel's in two women. One from a news cast that heads her own organization and one who heads her own support group. Both teach and speak about domestic violence and that is just the tip of the iceberg about what they do.

Almost two years ago in 2007 I was watching the news with my boyfriend and a story came on about a women who had been stalked and shot by her ex-husband. In the end she spoke about her organization and what her goals were with the organization. Well I remember turning to my boyfriend telling him that is what I want to do. I want to go out and speak to people, if just one person hears me and it saves them, then I have done what I have set out to do. Of course I never want to quit talking, maybe there would be a number 2 and 3 out there as well. The women on the news touched my heart. I never forgot about the story, however, it was put away at the back of my mind as I wondered how I would get started in talking to people. Well......low and behold at my second meeting whom to I get the honor of meeting? The women from the news cast....yep......thats right Jaycee her self. Uhheh!!!!

Let me tell you something about being starstruck. This past fall at the hospital I work at in Detroit Cuba Gooding shot a movie about a doctor who was born and raised in the Detroit area who became one of the most brilliant surgeons to date. It is about the Dr. Carson story. I was not at all impressed with all the activity, nor did I get to meet the actor. I love Cubas work in any movie he is in, I just was not in awww of the fact that he was there. Others who shook hands with him were starry eyed and vowed never to wash their hands again. I just rolled my eyes and muttered ohhhh good lord!!!!! Well when I met the women on the news story (leaving her name out for privacy purposes), I was a bit flabbergasted and brought to tears. I sat on the couch for a while staring knowing her face but not placing where I had seen her. Then she brought up the news story on her laptop and I knew instantly. (I am sighing a big sigh right now) Now I understand how those at the hospital felt (to an extent) Cuba. She is a normal human being with a courageous story. People on the street may not know about her when they see her, however, to me she is a sister for whom many of us share an instant bond. Someone who survived a more horrific experience then my self and others. However, what we do share is the experience of violence and what it does physically and mentally. We also share our survival and new lives as survivors. I have so much to learn from her and the women in charge of the domestic violence survivors group. I have so much to learn about speaking and teaching because it is not just about my story, it is about knowing all of what there is to know about domestic violence laws and all the updates that have occurred since I was an officer. I want to learn everything.......I am so excited...AAAHHHHH!!! I really need to take a breath..... I don't think anyone can understand the thing that builds up inside you, knowing what you want to do and some of the goals you have but not having the know how to obtain that goal. Not having that out let to release that need to teach others and to share what I have been through. Now I am apart of something that I can help me reach my goal to reach others. WOW!!!!!

I have been to two domestic violence support group meetings and I am so excited when I get there I just want to talk and talk and talk and talk....... just tell them every thing I know and how I feel and what I can offer the group and the public. (I think I talk to much and am all over the place but I can't help but to be so excited) I am excited to meet people who understand what I went through and to meet people from all walks of life. Domestic violence does have so many faces and it feels good to be able to bond with these women. Everyone is so kind, understanding and have so much information to give. It has already been so fulfilling and has enriched my life. It has also been a further healing tool as well. I feel blessed.

Good Bye

I think a part of healing is saying goodbye to what is or has been hurting me. Memories, distrusts, betrayals and people who judged and persecuted me. I look back and think, these people never really cared for me in the first place, so why do I care what they thought then or think now? That was a real power boost for me. I had told my friend that they don't know me now and wouldn't unless I went to visit and showed them. What was I thinking? Why would I work so hard to kiss their asses still just to prove I am a good person as I was before? I had only made a bad choice and fixed it. If they couldn't see it then, then why do I care if they see it now? I don't!!!!! That poem off to the right of the page titled "Don't Judge" was meant for them and some others as well. So here is another one that is just for me!!!!



GOOD BYE!

Goodbye to the one that beat my ass, raped me and tried to kill me! No longer will I allow the memories of those horrific times control me, hurt me and surround me!!!
Goodbye to the monster and the hold that he has had over me even though he has been gone for many years!
Goodbye to the evil, monstrous man whose mere existence is the reincarnation of Satan himself, come find me again and I won't miss next time!
Goodbye to the terror and anxiety that the flashbacks produced, goodbye to the sadness and guilt. I control those, they will not control me!
Goodbye to the distrust and isolation, goodbye to lost feelings and hopelessness.
Goodbye to the low self esteem and self worth, goodbye to the self hate and self distrust!
Goodbye to the self loathing and worry, goodbye to the tears that I often cry.
Goodbye to those who sat in judgement of me and did nothing to help.
Goodbye to those who stood bye knowing I was lost and in pain and did nothing.
Goodbye to those who turned their backs and did not offer a shoulder for me to cry on or offer an ear to listen.
Goodbye to those who knew that I was falling fast and only spit words of judgement, sarcasm and evil towards and at me!
Goodbye to those who looked past their own faults, mistakes and sins to judge me!
Goodbye to those who really didn't know me and never will! May God bless them and keep them safe.

Unfortunately the memories will always be there, however, their hold and power over me will not. I am starting a new for myself and there is no looking back. It has been to long and I am only growing older. I am finally looking forward to my new future. As for those horrific memories, they are now only that monsters to keep, only his cross to bare. I am taking those memories and turning them into something positive for all to see. I am going to take those memories and share them with all and anyone who will listen. I am going to take those memories and change the laws. I am going to take those memories and shove them in his face and put him out their for all to see!!!! So everyone knows that the ugly monstrous head of someone who batters is the next door neighbor, a judge, a lawyer, a guy walking down the street, a neighborhood drug man, a construction worker, a police officer, a mayor, a doctor, a teacher, a postal carrier and even a legislator, a governor, and a senator. I am going to talk to police about domestic violence and judging. I am going to talk to them about not letting police work define them as officers and humanbeings, but for them to define the job of a police officer and set the bar of excellence and standards for others to follow!

Ooooooh no what have I done?

Friday, November 07, 2008
Ooooooh no what have I done?
The air is thick I cannot breath. My heart is pounding; it is racing right out of my chest. I feel it burning and aching, my world around me is dark, and I see nothing at all, not even in front of me. I hear voices but I can't hear what they say. I am lonely and afraid....ohhhh no what have I done? I only hear the cry of my son, mommy just make him leave. However, I do not make him leave. My world is still black, I cannot see. I am feeling around for some familiarity, but there is nothing but the pain from the strikes, the pain from the name-calling, the belittling and the blaming. It is chaotic and black around me and it is my fault, he is here. It is my fault he is hitting me, it is my fault my son is scared and sad. It is my fault I lost my career, it is my fault I lost my homes and been evicted repeatedly. It is my fault, I lost another job, it is my fault that I am ill, it is my fault, he now goes after my son. It is my fault is has struck my son. It is my fault my family is sad and concerned. It is my fault my friends and co-workers think ill of me and judge me. It is my fault....................The darkness is still there and I still hear my son’s cries and feel his tears and pain. My heart is weeping, my eyes are wet, yet I feel lost and helpless. Ohhh son I am sorry, what have I done? He will not go away; I have tried and tried to tell him to leave. He refuses to go and he beats me more. My son is afraid and I cannot protect either of us. The darkness is still hovering and looming over my son and I. I hear the voices of my sister, mother and my friend.... yet I am still lost. I am falling fast, spiraling down....down......down so very fast. I cannot get up, I cannot see the light, and I can't breathe. Ohhh no what have I done? The police hate me and think I am corrupt, they judged unmercifully; they cast me to the side like a piece of garbage. I am an embarrassment to the department, to my fellow brothers and sisters in law enforcement. They turned their backs and snickered under their breaths. They judged me as if they were God. They looked past their own sins, mistakes and faults only to highlight mine and make a spectacle out of it. Ohhhhh no what have I done? I hear my son again and his pain, I can see him now and his tormented face, his heart hurting and his voice screaming for mama to “just get away” from this monster, our own personal terrorist. My mom, my sister, my son and Melissa's, all their voices emerge from the darkness. My son, my mother, my sister, my friend, they are all my beacons of light. I follow the light......away from the madness, away from the violence, away from the monster.......I am in the light, but I still feel a haze around me. Life is surreal in a sense that I can't believe I have hurt my baby by not protecting him from the madness, I lost everything. Everything is gone.....my career, my home, my friends, my son....... his eyes are now empty and full of pain.... OHHHHH GOD what have I done? My baby....my heart, my soul, my light, my son!!! He is the very breath I take, the very reason I get up in the morning and move. Yet I have hurt him the most. I did not protect him and his well being. I did not protect his feelings and emotions. I did not protect him from that horrible ugly monster that some would call a man. Ohhh no what have I done? It has been 6 years and my son is still hurting... at 20 he is still trying to find the reason as to why he feels and acts the way he does. With general anxiety disorder, and PTSD my son is now lost. He searches in the darkness for me; he searches in that darkness for himself. Ohhh no what have I done? I am here son, I will not leave you!!! I am here baby...mommy is here......I love you booboo.... follow my voice it will be ok......I am here son I will not leave you..... I am here baby....don't be afraid! I will protect you now, just listen to me.....just follow my voice......it will be ok! Can you see me yet baby, can you see you yet? Don't give up, keep following my voice, I am not leaving booboo I am here!!! I will never leave you alone to be afraid again!!!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE SON.....I am here!!!!!!
Tracie Dawn Renkiewcz

I'm gonna write some poetry

I have been inspired to write some poetry. I have no clue what style is correct I know nothing about poetry. However, a young 18 year old women that attended a support group meeting stated she writes poetry to express her feelings. I thought that is amazing and a wonderful idea.

Boy oh boy

Well I went to a support group meeting and thought maybe I was a bit to opinionated or to "talky." People have to know that it was finally wonderful to be in a group where others understood and no one was there to judge. I hope that I didn't come off to strong or like a know it all, because Lord only knows that I am not!!!! I just have so many experiences and ideas from both sides of the fence. (being a survivor of domestic violence and a former officer)

I am very excited to learn about everyone and to be involved in changing laws and putting out ideas and meeting with people. I really must put my self out there because I know I can be a great assest and vocalist for this issue and cause. I have ideas that some laws still need to be altered and more strict!!! Starting with an offenders former convictions to begin with!!! If they are a 3x loser as a convicted felon then the 4th in Michigan puts them away for l ife. Not always the case and my offender was out in 3 year when he should of never got out of jail. That is something I want to see changed.

Another law that I want to see changed is the second offense of domestic violence. It says they can recieve UP to a year in jail. I believe it should be mandatory to be sentenced to a year in jail. I believe that would greatly help the victim gather her thoughts and berrings to move on. It would help her get her children to a safe environment and a years worth of counseling would do wonders for those who are serious about getting out of the cycle of domestic violence. That offender who is locked up for a year would have less control if none at all over the victim. I would like to see more safe houses and even half way houses for victims and their children that are dedicated to domestic violence. Half way houses can be utilized for victims/survivors that their offenders are in jail and they need to make a move and educate themselves while the offender is locked up. In the end the women, hopefully, is a stronger person inside and out who will not fall for the same ol' song and dance.

I really want to start speaking publicly about my ordeal and how my choices affected my whole family and friends. I want to speak out about my experience as a police officer and how the domestic violence affected my career and how I was treated by the very same people who were my brothers and sisters in law enforcement.

After the meeting I finally let my self feel the anger towards the police departments and some specific people in general. I was judged unmercifally when I should of been being helped. I expect nothing more from these people anymore. They will be forgiven at somepoint, however, right now I am going to let my self be angry with them. I will work through it and be just fine!!!!!

I want to say hi to my new friends in my group and tell them I look forward to the many meetings to come and any event that we hold or go to.

Ideas are going through my head that I just want to put out there so I don't forget. Things that were brought up....

Changing the Domestic Violence month from October to another one. Excellent idea leader of our group!! :) won't mention names on here....they know who they are!

Having annual walks that are more publicized through the media and get hospitals and other organizations to get in on it! Lets raise some money for domestic violence.

I am not a person to run things, however, I am one to give a task and responsibility to and I will run with it.

My Story

I added this today so no one had to fish through my archives if they didn't want to . This is more detailed then I ever wrote.

As an officer people don't expect you to LET it happen nor do you as a person think it will ever happen to yourself. Back in late spring 2001 I met a man who worked at the apartment complex I lived in. Had two jobs seemed nice, he had a women and we just were friends. When he left his women in the fall of 2002 we became an item. Never did he call me out of my name or hit me. However, he was very jealous and didn't want me to associate with some friends I had. Every man was out to be with me....that type of stuff. Hellooooooo huge gigantic RED FLAG!! I was obviously blind as a bat!

Well we became so close he moved in around December of 2002; we shared vehicles and everything. One day my Lt. came to me and asked about him. I said why and he said I had two weeks to get rid of him he’s a convicted felon under investigation by the city police department where I lived (I will call it the Bird City Police Dept.) for selling drugs out of my vehicle in the city I lived in. HUH???????? Yea...that’s what I thought all the way home. In love and in a relationship that was a complete lie and I did not pay attention to the so called red flags that were waving in front of my face.

I went home right away, confronted him and told him that he was not welcome in my home and I would be cooperating with my department. I did not want to lose my dream, my life, my financial stability for my son or self over a big fat liar who I let mislead me because I did not listen to my internal bell and gut! Needless to say that didn't sit well with him and thus began the first butt whooping. He accused me of setting him up the whole time working undercover. God he was a liar crazy and dumb....what the hell was I thinking? Must of been the sex. I was embarrassed and humiliated. I went back to work and as you can imagine everyone knew. People think women are the great gossipers of all time. I hate to burst that stereotype bubble, cops can't keep a secret and they gossip even more. In as little as one day my world was dark and I was judged and scoffed at by my peers. I was the dumb dirty cop and people who I thought were my friends really weren't. I could not bring myself to tell anyone what had happened the day before. I can't explain the humility I felt as a female officer who had been beaten. My self esteem took a nose dive and I felt there was no place to turn.

Needless to say not even two weeks went buy and he was kicking in my door and making threats. My neighbors complained and I was advised I would get evicted if this continued. One morning before my two weeks were up he came a pounding at the door. I let him in so the neighbors wouldn't make another complaint. He beat me so bad one morning people three apt. buildings away could hear me. The police arrived and I tried to lie and say nothing was wrong and that he left, but that didn't fly. I couldn't hide it from the department anymore the Bird City Police called my PD. In just under two weeks I was devastated, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I couldn't and wouldn't lie to my LT. They arrested him and he was carted off to the Bird City jail. Before they left my apartment my LT stated they found weed under the matress and he begged them not to tell me. I told them I knew he smoked it but he was not aloud to bring it into my home. My department made me follow them to our station, they ordered me to drop urine (they thought I was doing drugs), questioned me like a criminal, made me fill out answers to questions they devised and suspended me for breaking department policy until their investigation was complete. I was gone emotionally and mentally at that point in disbelief, more embarrassed and more humiliated. They finally found out I was a victim of domestic violence and they treated me like a suspect. My department never offered domestic violence services or help. After meeting with the Deputy Chief, who couldn't fire me untill after the investigation was complete found that I was drug free and had not been using or selling drugs as they had suspected. (my union reps were present) I am assuming they made me drop urine because they had known before from the other departments undercover investigation that I was not selling drugs with him and didn't know about it, all I did was work and go home to care for my son. So they thought well if she is not selling she must be using. I went home and waited for them to call me back in for a final chiefs hearing. When I walked through the door the Bird City Police had raided my apartment. I have worked with narcotics with both departments in the past, never have I seen any one's home destroyed like mine. It took me two to three weeks to clean the mess. They didn't just sift through the kitty litter, they flung the dirty litter across the room along with the filled vacuum sweeper bag. Garbage was flung across the apartment on the walls every where. Had I not been so lost and confused and hurt and alone I would of taken pictures and made complaints. Did they find anything, nope not at all. I say to this day...hahaha!!!!! I wasn't what they thought. They took his cell phone. Because of the weed on him they raided my home and got nothing! He told them I didn't know and they were wrong. Can't tell the police nothing. LOL! It was time for the last chiefs hearing. Did I drop dirty? NOPE HA HA!!!!!! I dropped CLEAN and that was mud in their face. (I told them I didn't sell or do drugs) So what did they want to do. Fire me violating several departmental policies for lying to the other department about the domestic violence and dating a convicted felon. My union rep asked how is she supposed to know he was convicted, no officer can run a criminal history with out a defectives I.D. and case number. They didn't have an answer, only that I should of known. I was put through the wringer for nothing more then making a poor choice in loving someone. I may have not found out for a long time had he not drawn attention to himself and got caught. Him getting caught brought it to my attention. Apparently while at work he was selling weed and making a few stops on the way home. Feeling hurt, humiliated, rejected, shunned, degraded, drained I took the offer of resignation as opposed to being terminated and started domestic violence counseling.

His mom bonded him out of jail, and if the truth be told, I gave her the money to bond him out. (was not an easy thing to admit) God....what was I thinking? Well he was not very greatful because he began kicking my doors and windows in, holding guns to my head and scissors to my chest saying if I followed through with charges he would kill me. I was terrified. NO support and the police departments that thought I was a dirty cop even though I passed all their tests. I was without a career and alone!!!!!!! The hell really began after that. I moved out of my apartment and into another, but he found me and told me he was sorry and I told him where I moved to . From February to mid August of that year he terrorized me, beat me, tried to kill me and torture me. Every part of my body was bruised. He fractured my nose and cheek bone, left me with cuts and a marks all over me, he would spit on me and hang me in mid air with his bare hands strangling me until I passed out and he raped me more then I care to admit. It has taken me so long to admit that and not feel the shame in saying so. After he kicked in my door the last time, beat me to the ground and was on top of me jumping up and down is when I called the police made a report. He had gone but was calling the house when the police were there. He came back threatening he'd send someone to kill me if he got locked up again because me. He made threats of burning me alive in front of my son, you name it he threatened me with it. Terrified I called the PD and told them I wasn't going to cooperate with the charges. I told them I was leaving and I felt if my son and I weren't home he couldn't get to us. I lost a second job because he stole my work phone and called the directer of an agency telling the married man at 3:00 in the morning to stay away from his bitch. Some where in all of this my son thought he would defend me and grabbed my gun, pointed it at J and pulled the trigger. To his disbelief nothing happened. The look on J's face went from ohhhhh shit.... to I'm gonna whip this boys ass. All I could do is grabe the gun and start hitting J with it to keep him away from my son. I believe it was around June 28Th of 2003 when my friend took me to a night club, of course he apologized again and was calling my phone and I told him where we were going. Low and behold guess who showed up and demanded I leave with him. He started a fight with me, trying to force me to leave with him. He spit on me and I had him thrown out. When it was time to go I asked the bouncers if they saw him leave the parking lot. They said he was walking towards the road when they kicked him out. We made it to the car and left. About a mile down the road he jumped out from the back of the seat and I truly lost it mentally. I was screaming, my friend called 911 and held the phone between her legs yelling out directions to the police with out him knowing. She kept telling him "I'm going to drop you off at this intersection in the city at the gas station." He kept telling her no to turn around and drop us off at the apartments. If she would of did that I truly believe I would not be alive today. By the time we got to the intersection the police were waiting and he was arrested. They found 9 grams of cocaine on him. On August 26, I was hired by another police department and he was sentenced to a year in jail for his dope. I wanted the job at the PD so I let the charges of domestic violence go. I didn't want to come in with the baggage of a case in court. He was gone for a year and I was at peace for the first time in months. I had him served with a PPO while he was in jail. I meant business now. I was gaining my self esteem and control back.

By May 24Th of 2004 I got a call that he was released. I had moved to another city and my house was behind another house. You could not see it from the street. I didn't change my silver Honda Passport with smoked out windows. He saw me, followed me and with in a week and a half of his release he was banging on my door and windows yelling let me in bitch.....over and over. I got my gun and shot out the window at him. I called the police and they found him with in a 1 1/2 from where I was living at a hotel room where he was staying with his girlfriend he had gotten back with. They arrested him. Freaky thing about that night was that I kept looking out the window because I felt like something or someone was watching me. My cat was growling at something out side the window all night too. I now believe it was him. He waited till morning when he thought my son had gone to school. I can only imagine what he planned to do with me. This time I followed through with charges and he was sent to prison for Attempt Aggravated Stalking and a parole violation. He was in jail from May of 2004 till July of 2007. I got that call that he was going to be released. Trust me it was not because I wasn't keeping up. I went to every parole hearing and served him with PPO's every year even while he was in jail. I to this day have a PPO out against him and will till they won't issue me one anymore. I carry my gun with me every where and sleep with it under my pillow.

My son who will be 20 and I suffer from post traumatic disorder, we can't sleep at night and if we get to sleep it is only til 3:00 am when we both automatically wake up. "The time the beatings always began." Flashbacks are a common occurrence. However, I have learned to live with it, embrace it and turn it into a positive instead of letting it consume and control me. It is still difficult for my son who still needs counseling and anger management. He hits his girlfriend and she hits him. She is 42 and he is 19 soon to be 20. My heart is broke about this and I talk to him all the time trying to get him into counseling. I will not give up on him, he is my only son, my heart, my soul my everything. I owe it to him to be there for him. I have a lot to teach him still even at his age.

My mistake and poor choice effected him the most. He was just a boy. I couldn't make decisions for my self as a normal thinking person anymore, I was so gone emotionally I could not take care of him and he suffered for it. Children suffer the most in these relationships. My poor baby. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and what he was like before that monster came into our lives and the domestic violence. When he is doing well is when I will, maybe, forgive myself. No body can know this type of pain, the pain of having not protected your child against and from witnessing such violence. My poor baby.....that's all I can say. What I can do is keep talking in his ear telling him to get counseling. Telling him his anger is going to get him killed or locked up. Hoping that someday he will have had enough and do what he needs to do. He has let himself be angry with me and that is a start. I let him know that I am very sorry and tell him it was my fault, he was only a boy and it was my job as a mother to protect him and I failed. He has a right to be angry. However, I also tell him that he is a man now and he has to make his own choices in life and suffer the consequences of those decisions or do the right thing for himself and live a good life. I will support him but he has to make that choice. We will see what happens.