I think a part of healing is saying goodbye to what is or has been hurting me. Memories, distrusts, betrayals and people who judged and persecuted me. I look back and think, these people never really cared for me in the first place, so why do I care what they thought then or think now? That was a real power boost for me. I had told my friend that they don't know me now and wouldn't unless I went to visit and showed them. What was I thinking? Why would I work so hard to kiss their asses still just to prove I am a good person as I was before? I had only made a bad choice and fixed it. If they couldn't see it then, then why do I care if they see it now? I don't!!!!! That poem off to the right of the page titled "Don't Judge" was meant for them and some others as well. So here is another one that is just for me!!!!
GOOD BYE!
Goodbye to the one that beat my ass, raped me and tried to kill me! No longer will I allow the memories of those horrific times control me, hurt me and surround me!!!
Goodbye to the monster and the hold that he has had over me even though he has been gone for many years!
Goodbye to the evil, monstrous man whose mere existence is the reincarnation of Satan himself, come find me again and I won't miss next time!
Goodbye to the terror and anxiety that the flashbacks produced, goodbye to the sadness and guilt. I control those, they will not control me!
Goodbye to the distrust and isolation, goodbye to lost feelings and hopelessness.
Goodbye to the low self esteem and self worth, goodbye to the self hate and self distrust!
Goodbye to the self loathing and worry, goodbye to the tears that I often cry.
Goodbye to those who sat in judgement of me and did nothing to help.
Goodbye to those who stood bye knowing I was lost and in pain and did nothing.
Goodbye to those who turned their backs and did not offer a shoulder for me to cry on or offer an ear to listen.
Goodbye to those who knew that I was falling fast and only spit words of judgement, sarcasm and evil towards and at me!
Goodbye to those who looked past their own faults, mistakes and sins to judge me!
Goodbye to those who really didn't know me and never will! May God bless them and keep them safe.
Unfortunately the memories will always be there, however, their hold and power over me will not. I am starting a new for myself and there is no looking back. It has been to long and I am only growing older. I am finally looking forward to my new future. As for those horrific memories, they are now only that monsters to keep, only his cross to bare. I am taking those memories and turning them into something positive for all to see. I am going to take those memories and share them with all and anyone who will listen. I am going to take those memories and change the laws. I am going to take those memories and shove them in his face and put him out their for all to see!!!! So everyone knows that the ugly monstrous head of someone who batters is the next door neighbor, a judge, a lawyer, a guy walking down the street, a neighborhood drug man, a construction worker, a police officer, a mayor, a doctor, a teacher, a postal carrier and even a legislator, a governor, and a senator. I am going to talk to police about domestic violence and judging. I am going to talk to them about not letting police work define them as officers and humanbeings, but for them to define the job of a police officer and set the bar of excellence and standards for others to follow!
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Friday, November 07, 2008
Ooooooh no what have I done?
Friday, November 07, 2008
Ooooooh no what have I done?
The air is thick I cannot breath. My heart is pounding; it is racing right out of my chest. I feel it burning and aching, my world around me is dark, and I see nothing at all, not even in front of me. I hear voices but I can't hear what they say. I am lonely and afraid....ohhhh no what have I done? I only hear the cry of my son, mommy just make him leave. However, I do not make him leave. My world is still black, I cannot see. I am feeling around for some familiarity, but there is nothing but the pain from the strikes, the pain from the name-calling, the belittling and the blaming. It is chaotic and black around me and it is my fault, he is here. It is my fault he is hitting me, it is my fault my son is scared and sad. It is my fault I lost my career, it is my fault I lost my homes and been evicted repeatedly. It is my fault, I lost another job, it is my fault that I am ill, it is my fault, he now goes after my son. It is my fault is has struck my son. It is my fault my family is sad and concerned. It is my fault my friends and co-workers think ill of me and judge me. It is my fault....................The darkness is still there and I still hear my son’s cries and feel his tears and pain. My heart is weeping, my eyes are wet, yet I feel lost and helpless. Ohhh son I am sorry, what have I done? He will not go away; I have tried and tried to tell him to leave. He refuses to go and he beats me more. My son is afraid and I cannot protect either of us. The darkness is still hovering and looming over my son and I. I hear the voices of my sister, mother and my friend.... yet I am still lost. I am falling fast, spiraling down....down......down so very fast. I cannot get up, I cannot see the light, and I can't breathe. Ohhh no what have I done? The police hate me and think I am corrupt, they judged unmercifully; they cast me to the side like a piece of garbage. I am an embarrassment to the department, to my fellow brothers and sisters in law enforcement. They turned their backs and snickered under their breaths. They judged me as if they were God. They looked past their own sins, mistakes and faults only to highlight mine and make a spectacle out of it. Ohhhhh no what have I done? I hear my son again and his pain, I can see him now and his tormented face, his heart hurting and his voice screaming for mama to “just get away” from this monster, our own personal terrorist. My mom, my sister, my son and Melissa's, all their voices emerge from the darkness. My son, my mother, my sister, my friend, they are all my beacons of light. I follow the light......away from the madness, away from the violence, away from the monster.......I am in the light, but I still feel a haze around me. Life is surreal in a sense that I can't believe I have hurt my baby by not protecting him from the madness, I lost everything. Everything is gone.....my career, my home, my friends, my son....... his eyes are now empty and full of pain.... OHHHHH GOD what have I done? My baby....my heart, my soul, my light, my son!!! He is the very breath I take, the very reason I get up in the morning and move. Yet I have hurt him the most. I did not protect him and his well being. I did not protect his feelings and emotions. I did not protect him from that horrible ugly monster that some would call a man. Ohhh no what have I done? It has been 6 years and my son is still hurting... at 20 he is still trying to find the reason as to why he feels and acts the way he does. With general anxiety disorder, and PTSD my son is now lost. He searches in the darkness for me; he searches in that darkness for himself. Ohhh no what have I done? I am here son, I will not leave you!!! I am here baby...mommy is here......I love you booboo.... follow my voice it will be ok......I am here son I will not leave you..... I am here baby....don't be afraid! I will protect you now, just listen to me.....just follow my voice......it will be ok! Can you see me yet baby, can you see you yet? Don't give up, keep following my voice, I am not leaving booboo I am here!!! I will never leave you alone to be afraid again!!!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE SON.....I am here!!!!!!
Tracie Dawn Renkiewcz
Ooooooh no what have I done?
The air is thick I cannot breath. My heart is pounding; it is racing right out of my chest. I feel it burning and aching, my world around me is dark, and I see nothing at all, not even in front of me. I hear voices but I can't hear what they say. I am lonely and afraid....ohhhh no what have I done? I only hear the cry of my son, mommy just make him leave. However, I do not make him leave. My world is still black, I cannot see. I am feeling around for some familiarity, but there is nothing but the pain from the strikes, the pain from the name-calling, the belittling and the blaming. It is chaotic and black around me and it is my fault, he is here. It is my fault he is hitting me, it is my fault my son is scared and sad. It is my fault I lost my career, it is my fault I lost my homes and been evicted repeatedly. It is my fault, I lost another job, it is my fault that I am ill, it is my fault, he now goes after my son. It is my fault is has struck my son. It is my fault my family is sad and concerned. It is my fault my friends and co-workers think ill of me and judge me. It is my fault....................The darkness is still there and I still hear my son’s cries and feel his tears and pain. My heart is weeping, my eyes are wet, yet I feel lost and helpless. Ohhh son I am sorry, what have I done? He will not go away; I have tried and tried to tell him to leave. He refuses to go and he beats me more. My son is afraid and I cannot protect either of us. The darkness is still hovering and looming over my son and I. I hear the voices of my sister, mother and my friend.... yet I am still lost. I am falling fast, spiraling down....down......down so very fast. I cannot get up, I cannot see the light, and I can't breathe. Ohhh no what have I done? The police hate me and think I am corrupt, they judged unmercifully; they cast me to the side like a piece of garbage. I am an embarrassment to the department, to my fellow brothers and sisters in law enforcement. They turned their backs and snickered under their breaths. They judged me as if they were God. They looked past their own sins, mistakes and faults only to highlight mine and make a spectacle out of it. Ohhhhh no what have I done? I hear my son again and his pain, I can see him now and his tormented face, his heart hurting and his voice screaming for mama to “just get away” from this monster, our own personal terrorist. My mom, my sister, my son and Melissa's, all their voices emerge from the darkness. My son, my mother, my sister, my friend, they are all my beacons of light. I follow the light......away from the madness, away from the violence, away from the monster.......I am in the light, but I still feel a haze around me. Life is surreal in a sense that I can't believe I have hurt my baby by not protecting him from the madness, I lost everything. Everything is gone.....my career, my home, my friends, my son....... his eyes are now empty and full of pain.... OHHHHH GOD what have I done? My baby....my heart, my soul, my light, my son!!! He is the very breath I take, the very reason I get up in the morning and move. Yet I have hurt him the most. I did not protect him and his well being. I did not protect his feelings and emotions. I did not protect him from that horrible ugly monster that some would call a man. Ohhh no what have I done? It has been 6 years and my son is still hurting... at 20 he is still trying to find the reason as to why he feels and acts the way he does. With general anxiety disorder, and PTSD my son is now lost. He searches in the darkness for me; he searches in that darkness for himself. Ohhh no what have I done? I am here son, I will not leave you!!! I am here baby...mommy is here......I love you booboo.... follow my voice it will be ok......I am here son I will not leave you..... I am here baby....don't be afraid! I will protect you now, just listen to me.....just follow my voice......it will be ok! Can you see me yet baby, can you see you yet? Don't give up, keep following my voice, I am not leaving booboo I am here!!! I will never leave you alone to be afraid again!!!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE SON.....I am here!!!!!!
Tracie Dawn Renkiewcz
I'm gonna write some poetry
I have been inspired to write some poetry. I have no clue what style is correct I know nothing about poetry. However, a young 18 year old women that attended a support group meeting stated she writes poetry to express her feelings. I thought that is amazing and a wonderful idea.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Boy oh boy
Well I went to a support group meeting and thought maybe I was a bit to opinionated or to "talky." People have to know that it was finally wonderful to be in a group where others understood and no one was there to judge. I hope that I didn't come off to strong or like a know it all, because Lord only knows that I am not!!!! I just have so many experiences and ideas from both sides of the fence. (being a survivor of domestic violence and a former officer)
I am very excited to learn about everyone and to be involved in changing laws and putting out ideas and meeting with people. I really must put my self out there because I know I can be a great assest and vocalist for this issue and cause. I have ideas that some laws still need to be altered and more strict!!! Starting with an offenders former convictions to begin with!!! If they are a 3x loser as a convicted felon then the 4th in Michigan puts them away for l ife. Not always the case and my offender was out in 3 year when he should of never got out of jail. That is something I want to see changed.
Another law that I want to see changed is the second offense of domestic violence. It says they can recieve UP to a year in jail. I believe it should be mandatory to be sentenced to a year in jail. I believe that would greatly help the victim gather her thoughts and berrings to move on. It would help her get her children to a safe environment and a years worth of counseling would do wonders for those who are serious about getting out of the cycle of domestic violence. That offender who is locked up for a year would have less control if none at all over the victim. I would like to see more safe houses and even half way houses for victims and their children that are dedicated to domestic violence. Half way houses can be utilized for victims/survivors that their offenders are in jail and they need to make a move and educate themselves while the offender is locked up. In the end the women, hopefully, is a stronger person inside and out who will not fall for the same ol' song and dance.
I really want to start speaking publicly about my ordeal and how my choices affected my whole family and friends. I want to speak out about my experience as a police officer and how the domestic violence affected my career and how I was treated by the very same people who were my brothers and sisters in law enforcement.
After the meeting I finally let my self feel the anger towards the police departments and some specific people in general. I was judged unmercifally when I should of been being helped. I expect nothing more from these people anymore. They will be forgiven at somepoint, however, right now I am going to let my self be angry with them. I will work through it and be just fine!!!!!
I want to say hi to my new friends in my group and tell them I look forward to the many meetings to come and any event that we hold or go to.
Ideas are going through my head that I just want to put out there so I don't forget. Things that were brought up....
Changing the Domestic Violence month from October to another one. Excellent idea leader of our group!! :) won't mention names on here....they know who they are!
Having annual walks that are more publicized through the media and get hospitals and other organizations to get in on it! Lets raise some money for domestic violence.
I am not a person to run things, however, I am one to give a task and responsibility to and I will run with it.
I am very excited to learn about everyone and to be involved in changing laws and putting out ideas and meeting with people. I really must put my self out there because I know I can be a great assest and vocalist for this issue and cause. I have ideas that some laws still need to be altered and more strict!!! Starting with an offenders former convictions to begin with!!! If they are a 3x loser as a convicted felon then the 4th in Michigan puts them away for l ife. Not always the case and my offender was out in 3 year when he should of never got out of jail. That is something I want to see changed.
Another law that I want to see changed is the second offense of domestic violence. It says they can recieve UP to a year in jail. I believe it should be mandatory to be sentenced to a year in jail. I believe that would greatly help the victim gather her thoughts and berrings to move on. It would help her get her children to a safe environment and a years worth of counseling would do wonders for those who are serious about getting out of the cycle of domestic violence. That offender who is locked up for a year would have less control if none at all over the victim. I would like to see more safe houses and even half way houses for victims and their children that are dedicated to domestic violence. Half way houses can be utilized for victims/survivors that their offenders are in jail and they need to make a move and educate themselves while the offender is locked up. In the end the women, hopefully, is a stronger person inside and out who will not fall for the same ol' song and dance.
I really want to start speaking publicly about my ordeal and how my choices affected my whole family and friends. I want to speak out about my experience as a police officer and how the domestic violence affected my career and how I was treated by the very same people who were my brothers and sisters in law enforcement.
After the meeting I finally let my self feel the anger towards the police departments and some specific people in general. I was judged unmercifally when I should of been being helped. I expect nothing more from these people anymore. They will be forgiven at somepoint, however, right now I am going to let my self be angry with them. I will work through it and be just fine!!!!!
I want to say hi to my new friends in my group and tell them I look forward to the many meetings to come and any event that we hold or go to.
Ideas are going through my head that I just want to put out there so I don't forget. Things that were brought up....
Changing the Domestic Violence month from October to another one. Excellent idea leader of our group!! :) won't mention names on here....they know who they are!
Having annual walks that are more publicized through the media and get hospitals and other organizations to get in on it! Lets raise some money for domestic violence.
I am not a person to run things, however, I am one to give a task and responsibility to and I will run with it.
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