Day to Day

Still have not had the time to take the PPO down to get signed. I will have to definitely do it this week. I have been working three jobs and it is getting ruff. I have to give my dog away and I have to put my cat down. I may take her with me. I have to teach her not to jump out on the kitchen counters or table. I just do not have the heart to put her down. She does not seem to be in pain and she is eating real good. She prefers soft food and I suppose that is due to her age. My sister told me that I need to get some balls and stop being a baby. She is a bit more callus then I but down deep she is mushy.

My sister is such a saint to me. She has taken my son in to finish school. Robin has already done so much for him in the short time that he has been there. I am going to have to do something special for her and my mother. It is as if she is the older sister and I am the young, immature one.

I am moving into a one bedroom apartment and trying to cut my expenses down. I have to do my taxes soon. I am late on one year. I forgot about them. I have pension taxes to do as well. I am tired of being behind and I am tired of procrastinating. My goal this year is to eat right, treat myself good and to get my finances in order. I owe so much money that I must start repaying every one back. This is the time of year. Tis the season.

Phew!!!!!

Well I did get a PPO and filled it out. I have to find time next week to take it down to court and have it signed by the judge. I will get it done. It is important.

I just found out today that my son is alergic to everything. I should of taken him to an allergist years ago. I was not the most attentive mother. He really suffered because of my own selfishness. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and do it all over again. The young man is allergic to all dairy products, trees, pollen, molds, dust, animals ect..... He has to take a allergy shot each week for the next five years. At the end of the five years he could be allergy and asthma free. My sister took him to the doctor. Something I should of done years ago. It is difficult to come to terms with my inability to raise my son properly. I have to take responsibility for my own mistakes. I was in no way perfect and I skipped out on some of the big things because it was an inconvience to me. I put my own life first instead of his. That was and is unacceptable. I feel so much sorrow for him and guilt. I can only apologize and turn it around and be the best mother I can be now.

PPO

On Tuesday morning I have to go and renew my ppo against J. He is in prison and it is a formality for me. Just in case they parole him. I have to say that taking an active role in the correctional process has been just as freeing as following through with the court proceedings. I found that to be a euphoric experience. It was the first time I followed through with the charges against him, however it was not the first time he beat me or was arrested. At the time I thought it was nearly impossible to follow through with charges against him. I wrestled with the feeling that I loved him, just not what he was doing to me and my son. Now I look back and realize that it was not love on either of our part. It was control, anger and abuse on his part and a dysfunctional, low self esteem and self worth feeling on my part. If he was not violated and sent back to prison the first time I know it would of been living hell. I would not be alive. That was GOD intervening and hearing my plea for help. It was the prayers of my family and myself. When he was released and violated within only a week I was so angry. How dare he come back. He did not realize I had changed and was not the same person. He did not realize I would have no problem sending right back to prison and this time I did it not only for the nerve he had to show up on my front door step, but for every single time he ever touched me or my son. My son said he never did anything to him but scare him. However, I think something happened that he is not telling me. I wish I knew for sure whether it was just my paranoia or not. Anyway, J could rot in a prison for the rest of his life for all I care. He does not deserve to see the light of day again.
He worked so hard to manipulate me to have control of me. It is taking longer to regain that control. People like him (both men and women) are Dr. Jeckles and Mr. Hydes. They are sheep in lions clothing. When they attack it is, most times, to late and hard to get out of. I applaud the person who is able to do it right away. However, I know that just because I now have the strength, not everyone does. You have do dig deep. You have to love yourself and your children more then the air you breath. Especially the children. It does get better. I had finally realized,for myself, that I did not have to be that desparate for someone's love and acceptance. Don't let those emotions rule you. You should rule them. I have no problem turning men away now. In fact it makes me ill the way some come on to me. Before I would of thought "oh man they like me, I have to be with them" not so anymore. Most times they are looking for one thing and one thing only. The same as before. What is different now is how I react to them and what I think of myself. I definitely have a long way to go. I still have other issues. However, choosing the wrong men and letting them abuse me and me abusing myself is not one of them. For that I have to thank "GOD" for all the blessings that he has bestowed onto me. (my own personal belief, not necessarily of anyone else's) Anyway it is time to go home and that is my thoughts for today. My own personal journey of healing and coming to terms with my life.

Having flash backs

Sounds crazy I know. It has been a little over three years and I still have flashbacks of some of the terrible moments and guilt over not being there for my son. Maybe it is because I have not received notice of the parole boards decision to grant or deny J's parole. I was told that it was not sceen as a chance for him to parole right now. However, he always gets out on parole. He is a habitual offender and a habitual parole and probation violater. I don't understand why he is not sitting in prison right now for the rest of his life with no chance of parole. For what he did to my son and I he should rot in a prison cell. If he gets out I will have to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life. I feel I have paid enough for my horrible decision to have a relationship with him. I have lost my career at one department, I have moved over three times, in which he found me, and my credit, selfesteem and self worth is shot. I have no more trust for people and I am afraid to love again. My son can not sleep at night, he has behavioral problems now that he did not have before. He has had to leave to stay with my sister and I feel like a complete failure at every thing.

So as I said in the beginning I have flashbacks or memories of such horrible attacks on myself and my son. He is truely a sick man that needs to be locked up for life. I fear he will end up killing me. I don't know what else to do.

Suriving

Well today I do not feel as bad as I did yesterday when I got the ticket. I was so upset. It is not the end of the world. I have to work several jobs and am in school full time trying to get my life back together. I have not been able to pay my rent for the month of November and it is now nearly December. So no I did not need to get the ticket and I should of payed more attention. I will for now on.

Such is life....I will just pick myself up, dust my self off and do it all over again.

Tracie

Perfect

What is perfect? The fact that I got a ticket today for making a prohibited left turn. $110 for the turn. Beautiful!!!! If it is not one thing it is another!

surviving the violence

As I reflect back on my life, approximately three years, I see a different person. I look back and ask my self why did I LET him beat me. Why did I let him control me in every sense of my being? Why did I allow him into my life only to destroy everything I worked so hard for? Why did I expose my son to such horrors and guilt? The guilt he feels of not being able to save his mother at 13 years old. Something my baby should have never experienced! Gone was his innocence....Gone was the happiness....Gone was the spark for life and the self esteem that he once possessed. Gone was his respect and confidence in me......Gone were his grades and ability to socialize......Gone is what he is now because he chose to live with his Aunt instead of me.......What he was left with was recurring night terrors, inability to sleep at night......A lot of anger towards me, unable to be alone at night.....Unable to communicate with me.....Unable to trust me.

My son and I are going to be o.k. I am still his mother and he is still my son. He tells me now that he loves me and forgives me. He wants to go back to school where his aunt lives and needs some space. I agree and will not stand in his way to heal. I will not stand in his way to succeed. I will not stand in his way to challenge himself. For once I will be a good mother!

Now I have to work harder to forgive myself. I thought I had....But I still feel guilt at how I was so selfish and exposed him to misery. No parent should ever do that. Each day I tell my self that my son is my life and I made some mistakes that I can not change. Just learn from and don't repeat. I know that I am not alone in these feelings.

I try to control every thing so I don't loose control. Does that make sense? I work one part time job and a full time job while I return to school to work on my Bachelors Degree. Once a week I clean someone's house for a little extra money. I strive to make my life better so I can be a better mother.

Well that is just a little insight about the past three years.

OHHHHHH!!!!!!! The man that beat me went to prison in September of 2003 and I served him with a PPO while he was in prison. In May of 2004 he was released and found me with in a week. He showed up on my front door step pounding on my door and window threatening me. I was a police officer at the time and had a gun. I was terrified. He threatened to kidnap me, torture me and burn me alive if he went back to prison because of me. He had attempted to kill me in the past. He held my gun to my head and sissor's to my chest. He hung me by my neck with his bare hands in mid air and strangled me numerous times until I passed out, he continually raped me. So I say it again....I was terrified and shot at him and called the police. They located him staying in a motel less then a mile and a half from my home. He is currently in prison for Aggravated Stalking (attempted) and violation of parole. I agreed to let him plea to the attempt instead of aggravated. The difference was a few months and my family and I were exhausted. (they came to court with me) Each year I have him served with a PPO regardless if he is incarcerated or not. It is for my protection. They can release him at any time. The scary thing was that the night before he showed up on my door step I could feel someone watching me. I just could not see him. My cat growled at the window all night. I now know it was him.