In reading my story I realize it is just an over view of what happened. I live with the memories every day of specific incidents of violence that occurred that no one else knows.
I can see them in my head as if it happened only moments ago. I remember the first beating of being slapped and thrown around, screamed at and spit on. The second beating was a doozy, he did much of the same for a longer period of time calling me names and dragging me back down the apartment steps as I tried to escape to leave. My body falling and slamming down on each step as he dragged me. I screamed as if I was being murdered. My heart was pounding, my head was swimming and I was scared out of my mind. Then the police came and that was one of the last times I stepped into the police department. The day before was the last day I served as a police officer. My career was over. NO support from the department, just a planned termination. I realize now there was never any plan to help me or help me save my career. I was an embarrassment to the department and expendable as an officer. After all, I was only a female officer who chose to love the wrong person. Forget that they had several officers who were corrupt and committing crimes and violating policy and they were defended to the full hilt. I was not advised of my rights as a union member and what my choices were. I was not advised that I had 14 days after turning in my resignation to change my mind and pull the resignation. No one said a dang thing. In fact I remember my union president telling me I might want to think about resigning. The day I turned in my letter he told me ya know they had nothing on you. I was hurt, humiliated, embarrassed, emotionally spent, devastated, judged, ridiculed and just plane gone. I had just lost every thing and little did I know had not even hit bottom yet.
More specific incidents and feeling during those incidents to come..........................
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Gods Vessels
I have a friend at work whom is very spiritual. I listen to her often as she has given me some very good insight and advise. One of the things she has said (This is not a quote) is if you ask God he will give it to you and pay close attention to who and what crosses your path, you never know if that was Gods vessel sent to you. Whether is a person or thing God will send it in the strangest and unexpected forms. You never know whom God will send to you, however, don't be blind to the gift. Well I believe I have met my vessel's in two women. One from a news cast that heads her own organization and one who heads her own support group. Both teach and speak about domestic violence and that is just the tip of the iceberg about what they do.
Almost two years ago in 2007 I was watching the news with my boyfriend and a story came on about a women who had been stalked and shot by her ex-husband. In the end she spoke about her organization and what her goals were with the organization. Well I remember turning to my boyfriend telling him that is what I want to do. I want to go out and speak to people, if just one person hears me and it saves them, then I have done what I have set out to do. Of course I never want to quit talking, maybe there would be a number 2 and 3 out there as well. The women on the news touched my heart. I never forgot about the story, however, it was put away at the back of my mind as I wondered how I would get started in talking to people. Well......low and behold at my second meeting whom to I get the honor of meeting? The women from the news cast....yep......thats right Jaycee her self. Uhheh!!!!
Let me tell you something about being starstruck. This past fall at the hospital I work at in Detroit Cuba Gooding shot a movie about a doctor who was born and raised in the Detroit area who became one of the most brilliant surgeons to date. It is about the Dr. Carson story. I was not at all impressed with all the activity, nor did I get to meet the actor. I love Cubas work in any movie he is in, I just was not in awww of the fact that he was there. Others who shook hands with him were starry eyed and vowed never to wash their hands again. I just rolled my eyes and muttered ohhhh good lord!!!!! Well when I met the women on the news story (leaving her name out for privacy purposes), I was a bit flabbergasted and brought to tears. I sat on the couch for a while staring knowing her face but not placing where I had seen her. Then she brought up the news story on her laptop and I knew instantly. (I am sighing a big sigh right now) Now I understand how those at the hospital felt (to an extent) Cuba. She is a normal human being with a courageous story. People on the street may not know about her when they see her, however, to me she is a sister for whom many of us share an instant bond. Someone who survived a more horrific experience then my self and others. However, what we do share is the experience of violence and what it does physically and mentally. We also share our survival and new lives as survivors. I have so much to learn from her and the women in charge of the domestic violence survivors group. I have so much to learn about speaking and teaching because it is not just about my story, it is about knowing all of what there is to know about domestic violence laws and all the updates that have occurred since I was an officer. I want to learn everything.......I am so excited...AAAHHHHH!!! I really need to take a breath..... I don't think anyone can understand the thing that builds up inside you, knowing what you want to do and some of the goals you have but not having the know how to obtain that goal. Not having that out let to release that need to teach others and to share what I have been through. Now I am apart of something that I can help me reach my goal to reach others. WOW!!!!!
I have been to two domestic violence support group meetings and I am so excited when I get there I just want to talk and talk and talk and talk....... just tell them every thing I know and how I feel and what I can offer the group and the public. (I think I talk to much and am all over the place but I can't help but to be so excited) I am excited to meet people who understand what I went through and to meet people from all walks of life. Domestic violence does have so many faces and it feels good to be able to bond with these women. Everyone is so kind, understanding and have so much information to give. It has already been so fulfilling and has enriched my life. It has also been a further healing tool as well. I feel blessed.
Almost two years ago in 2007 I was watching the news with my boyfriend and a story came on about a women who had been stalked and shot by her ex-husband. In the end she spoke about her organization and what her goals were with the organization. Well I remember turning to my boyfriend telling him that is what I want to do. I want to go out and speak to people, if just one person hears me and it saves them, then I have done what I have set out to do. Of course I never want to quit talking, maybe there would be a number 2 and 3 out there as well. The women on the news touched my heart. I never forgot about the story, however, it was put away at the back of my mind as I wondered how I would get started in talking to people. Well......low and behold at my second meeting whom to I get the honor of meeting? The women from the news cast....yep......thats right Jaycee her self. Uhheh!!!!
Let me tell you something about being starstruck. This past fall at the hospital I work at in Detroit Cuba Gooding shot a movie about a doctor who was born and raised in the Detroit area who became one of the most brilliant surgeons to date. It is about the Dr. Carson story. I was not at all impressed with all the activity, nor did I get to meet the actor. I love Cubas work in any movie he is in, I just was not in awww of the fact that he was there. Others who shook hands with him were starry eyed and vowed never to wash their hands again. I just rolled my eyes and muttered ohhhh good lord!!!!! Well when I met the women on the news story (leaving her name out for privacy purposes), I was a bit flabbergasted and brought to tears. I sat on the couch for a while staring knowing her face but not placing where I had seen her. Then she brought up the news story on her laptop and I knew instantly. (I am sighing a big sigh right now) Now I understand how those at the hospital felt (to an extent) Cuba. She is a normal human being with a courageous story. People on the street may not know about her when they see her, however, to me she is a sister for whom many of us share an instant bond. Someone who survived a more horrific experience then my self and others. However, what we do share is the experience of violence and what it does physically and mentally. We also share our survival and new lives as survivors. I have so much to learn from her and the women in charge of the domestic violence survivors group. I have so much to learn about speaking and teaching because it is not just about my story, it is about knowing all of what there is to know about domestic violence laws and all the updates that have occurred since I was an officer. I want to learn everything.......I am so excited...AAAHHHHH!!! I really need to take a breath..... I don't think anyone can understand the thing that builds up inside you, knowing what you want to do and some of the goals you have but not having the know how to obtain that goal. Not having that out let to release that need to teach others and to share what I have been through. Now I am apart of something that I can help me reach my goal to reach others. WOW!!!!!
I have been to two domestic violence support group meetings and I am so excited when I get there I just want to talk and talk and talk and talk....... just tell them every thing I know and how I feel and what I can offer the group and the public. (I think I talk to much and am all over the place but I can't help but to be so excited) I am excited to meet people who understand what I went through and to meet people from all walks of life. Domestic violence does have so many faces and it feels good to be able to bond with these women. Everyone is so kind, understanding and have so much information to give. It has already been so fulfilling and has enriched my life. It has also been a further healing tool as well. I feel blessed.
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