Conversation about mental and verbal aabuse

Ya know I had a conversation with my mother about mental and verbal abuse. In fact, she has been going through the same thing for years. Her husband has been doing it from day one. He was always jealous of us and mean to us. He then moved that jealousy on to my son as well. He called us names (barrel butt and Orka)while growing up (don't you think that would be damaging to a 5 and 7 year old?) and thought less of us while they were adults. Except for my brother. He loves my brother. I think he grew attached to my brother because he lost his own son to suicide about 2o years ago. Kent is a recovered alcoholic. He was mean when we were little when he did drink his checks away, and his is just as mean now while sober.

As tragic as that was, he still was jealous of my sister and I and the attention my mom would give us. Of course he would deny it till the sun come up and the cows come home. He doesn't want to be seen as the monster, yet he finds great joy in being the devil and causing misery behind closed doors. He feeds off the pity of others. Yet unbeknown to them he is an asshole in disguise. To this day he swears to my mom that I cussed him out before and told him to mind his own "fucking business". I would remember if I said that to him. I never did. He made it up. I think my mom believes him. Not sure and don't care. I didn't say it. He had a heart attack after that and blamed it on me. Yet I distinctly remember being told he didn't feel good before that and was upset that my mom left to pick up my son instead of take care of him. So if I am going to be accused of saying such a disrespectful thing I will say it now........"KENT MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There! I said it! Ya know he was mean to my son and my son was like mom I want to cuss him out and I told him no don't be disrespectful. I told him that grandma has to hear it from him and we don't want her to suffer. I told him that we all know he is an asshole and to ignore him. My son had to literally stay in the basement while living there. Kent did the same thing with my sister as well when she got pregnant at 17 and went to live with them. Why should my mothers daughter have to stay in my mothers room (Kent snores and mom doesn't sleep with him) until she gets home from work? Now I have to say that my step sisters and brother all lived with him for a period of 5 years or so in total. That was no problem. Yet when it comes to my sister and I we are a problem. Well he has continuously called my mom a bad mother and tells her we are problem kids. I said ma.....you need to tell him he has no room to talk with his alcoholic ass. Isn't it his son that was an alcoholic too and killed himself, one of his daughters has had some psychiatric issues and had to stay at a mental facility for a short while and the other daughter has married an someone that is a similar match to him. (Not in attitude. My sisters husband is a nice man, he just drinks to much from what I have saw on the holidays and from what I was told.) Come on!!!!!!!!!!! He feels so low that he picks on my mom to make him self feel better. I feel so bad for my mom. She has put up with this type of behavior for years. Yet I see her as a strong women!!!!!! This is my mom and she deserves to be treated like a queen. My grandparents are and were wonderful people. I see her having the love that they had. So much to give. My grandparents took care of their kids, others kids, their grand kids and great grand kids. Always always so wonderful!!!!!!!! I miss my grandma and grandpa!!!!!! (grandma passed more then 10 years ago and my grandpa is in North Carolina) I can't miss anther family event. I have to find away to go to my other grandmas surprise birthday bash. I will call my sister. Well....lets get back on track.....

My mom....I could only dream that I am half the women and grandma she is! Anyway.......(with tears in my eyes) there are so many stories that my mom has told me that would take up the next several pages so I must move on. Needless to say, my mom split from her husband back in January. He has been on a mission to make everyone think she is the devil and we are her spawn. That is what a true monster does. That was Jeff's issue too. Never wanted to look back and made myself and his other girlfriend look like crazy bitches. We were the monsters and he was the victim. That is the same thing that is going on with my mom and her husband.

Now my mom has left him as of this past January and he is still trying to get people to believe he is the victim. I did speak to my sister about this post and she disagreed with some of the things I said. About my moms strength as a women. She was not always strong for herself or us. Now that she is 60 she took the big leap to stick up for herself and that is a good thing. No matter the age, no one should put up with any type of abuse. During the past few years she has been strong for me and not so much for her self. I wish she would of put her foot down years ago. My heart breaks for her. I still hope I grow old and be half the women she is now in my eyes. My mom and I are one of a kind. I have mirrored her behavior with men throughout my life almost down to the tee. I did not do it consciously either. I did not see it until the last few years.

I am in no way perfect and still suffer from some insecurities and trust issues. But I am working on it. I am not in an abusive relationship either and that is a lot. My boo is real good to me. Doesn't call me names or hit me. We get in spats and he is not always right and neither am I. We work it out. I wanted to stop the pattern. I don't want my son to follow my route and mirror my life.

Tired tired tired...did ya hear me tired!

Ok I just got back from doing a run/walk. Ran one mile and walked the other. My feet hurt...must be the shoes. Anyway, I am feeling ok today. My boyfriend and I got into a tiff, but that is all. Since I have been layed off I have done absolutely nothing. I have been so lazy. It is the first time in four years I had any time off from a job. For the past four years I have worked at least two jobs if not three. I go back to work Monday. They called me back. Yeah!!!!! Gotta get my act together.

I have been blessed. Life has been good to me. It is all in the decisions I make for my self. I feel...(my own opinion) that if I am honest and make honest decisions life goes much smoother. Even if a rock is thrown in the road. I just have to take a deep breath and take a few minutes to reflect then move on. I have always had a problem with my impulses and immeadiate self gratification. It helps to do some reflecting.

I re-contacted Jeff's parole officer. We played phone tag. She has yet to call me back. Unfortunately officers get cold hearted and judge people and categorize them in the same pile of violent, manipulating criminals they deal with day in an day out with out knowing them. I am afraid she may be that type. We will see. If she does not call me by tomorrow I will call the head guy and talk to him.

People if you have any problem whatsoever, keep diligent. Some of these workers are so busy they just as soon blow you off and go about their business then to do what is right. I have found that I have to keep calling and asking questions and getting information. Unfortunately, they can't protect me, only I can protect me. If all I have is the information and my wits then so be it. I'll be damned if they ignore me. I'm going to get the information I need to help secure my self. That goes for anyone in any situation. Your life is your own. No one is going to live it for you. No one is going to save you. You have to do it for yourself. Their are people out their that will support you in everything you do and give you the tools to work with. At the end of the day it is up to you what you will do with those tools and how you will use them.

Enough of that. On a good note my flowers that I planted are still alive and that is a miracle in its own.