I added this today so no one had to fish through my archives if they didn't want to . This is more detailed then I ever wrote.
As an officer people don't expect you to LET it happen nor do you as a person think it will ever happen to yourself. Back in late spring 2001 I met a man who worked at the apartment complex I lived in. Had two jobs seemed nice, he had a women and we just were friends. When he left his women in the fall of 2002 we became an item. Never did he call me out of my name or hit me. However, he was very jealous and didn't want me to associate with some friends I had. Every man was out to be with me....that type of stuff. Hellooooooo huge gigantic RED FLAG!! I was obviously blind as a bat!
Well we became so close he moved in around December of 2002; we shared vehicles and everything. One day my Lt. came to me and asked about him. I said why and he said I had two weeks to get rid of him he’s a convicted felon under investigation by the city police department where I lived (I will call it the Bird City Police Dept.) for selling drugs out of my vehicle in the city I lived in. HUH???????? Yea...that’s what I thought all the way home. In love and in a relationship that was a complete lie and I did not pay attention to the so called red flags that were waving in front of my face.
I went home right away, confronted him and told him that he was not welcome in my home and I would be cooperating with my department. I did not want to lose my dream, my life, my financial stability for my son or self over a big fat liar who I let mislead me because I did not listen to my internal bell and gut! Needless to say that didn't sit well with him and thus began the first butt whooping. He accused me of setting him up the whole time working undercover. God he was a liar crazy and dumb....what the hell was I thinking? Must of been the sex. I was embarrassed and humiliated. I went back to work and as you can imagine everyone knew. People think women are the great gossipers of all time. I hate to burst that stereotype bubble, cops can't keep a secret and they gossip even more. In as little as one day my world was dark and I was judged and scoffed at by my peers. I was the dumb dirty cop and people who I thought were my friends really weren't. I could not bring myself to tell anyone what had happened the day before. I can't explain the humility I felt as a female officer who had been beaten. My self esteem took a nose dive and I felt there was no place to turn.
Needless to say not even two weeks went buy and he was kicking in my door and making threats. My neighbors complained and I was advised I would get evicted if this continued. One morning before my two weeks were up he came a pounding at the door. I let him in so the neighbors wouldn't make another complaint. He beat me so bad one morning people three apt. buildings away could hear me. The police arrived and I tried to lie and say nothing was wrong and that he left, but that didn't fly. I couldn't hide it from the department anymore the Bird City Police called my PD. In just under two weeks I was devastated, physically, mentally and emotionally.
I couldn't and wouldn't lie to my LT. They arrested him and he was carted off to the Bird City jail. Before they left my apartment my LT stated they found weed under the matress and he begged them not to tell me. I told them I knew he smoked it but he was not aloud to bring it into my home. My department made me follow them to our station, they ordered me to drop urine (they thought I was doing drugs), questioned me like a criminal, made me fill out answers to questions they devised and suspended me for breaking department policy until their investigation was complete. I was gone emotionally and mentally at that point in disbelief, more embarrassed and more humiliated. They finally found out I was a victim of domestic violence and they treated me like a suspect. My department never offered domestic violence services or help. After meeting with the Deputy Chief, who couldn't fire me untill after the investigation was complete found that I was drug free and had not been using or selling drugs as they had suspected. (my union reps were present) I am assuming they made me drop urine because they had known before from the other departments undercover investigation that I was not selling drugs with him and didn't know about it, all I did was work and go home to care for my son. So they thought well if she is not selling she must be using. I went home and waited for them to call me back in for a final chiefs hearing. When I walked through the door the Bird City Police had raided my apartment. I have worked with narcotics with both departments in the past, never have I seen any one's home destroyed like mine. It took me two to three weeks to clean the mess. They didn't just sift through the kitty litter, they flung the dirty litter across the room along with the filled vacuum sweeper bag. Garbage was flung across the apartment on the walls every where. Had I not been so lost and confused and hurt and alone I would of taken pictures and made complaints. Did they find anything, nope not at all. I say to this day...hahaha!!!!! I wasn't what they thought. They took his cell phone. Because of the weed on him they raided my home and got nothing! He told them I didn't know and they were wrong. Can't tell the police nothing. LOL! It was time for the last chiefs hearing. Did I drop dirty? NOPE HA HA!!!!!! I dropped CLEAN and that was mud in their face. (I told them I didn't sell or do drugs) So what did they want to do. Fire me violating several departmental policies for lying to the other department about the domestic violence and dating a convicted felon. My union rep asked how is she supposed to know he was convicted, no officer can run a criminal history with out a defectives I.D. and case number. They didn't have an answer, only that I should of known. I was put through the wringer for nothing more then making a poor choice in loving someone. I may have not found out for a long time had he not drawn attention to himself and got caught. Him getting caught brought it to my attention. Apparently while at work he was selling weed and making a few stops on the way home. Feeling hurt, humiliated, rejected, shunned, degraded, drained I took the offer of resignation as opposed to being terminated and started domestic violence counseling.
His mom bonded him out of jail, and if the truth be told, I gave her the money to bond him out. (was not an easy thing to admit) God....what was I thinking? Well he was not very greatful because he began kicking my doors and windows in, holding guns to my head and scissors to my chest saying if I followed through with charges he would kill me. I was terrified. NO support and the police departments that thought I was a dirty cop even though I passed all their tests. I was without a career and alone!!!!!!! The hell really began after that. I moved out of my apartment and into another, but he found me and told me he was sorry and I told him where I moved to . From February to mid August of that year he terrorized me, beat me, tried to kill me and torture me. Every part of my body was bruised. He fractured my nose and cheek bone, left me with cuts and a marks all over me, he would spit on me and hang me in mid air with his bare hands strangling me until I passed out and he raped me more then I care to admit. It has taken me so long to admit that and not feel the shame in saying so. After he kicked in my door the last time, beat me to the ground and was on top of me jumping up and down is when I called the police made a report. He had gone but was calling the house when the police were there. He came back threatening he'd send someone to kill me if he got locked up again because me. He made threats of burning me alive in front of my son, you name it he threatened me with it. Terrified I called the PD and told them I wasn't going to cooperate with the charges. I told them I was leaving and I felt if my son and I weren't home he couldn't get to us. I lost a second job because he stole my work phone and called the directer of an agency telling the married man at 3:00 in the morning to stay away from his bitch. Some where in all of this my son thought he would defend me and grabbed my gun, pointed it at J and pulled the trigger. To his disbelief nothing happened. The look on J's face went from ohhhhh shit.... to I'm gonna whip this boys ass. All I could do is grabe the gun and start hitting J with it to keep him away from my son. I believe it was around June 28Th of 2003 when my friend took me to a night club, of course he apologized again and was calling my phone and I told him where we were going. Low and behold guess who showed up and demanded I leave with him. He started a fight with me, trying to force me to leave with him. He spit on me and I had him thrown out. When it was time to go I asked the bouncers if they saw him leave the parking lot. They said he was walking towards the road when they kicked him out. We made it to the car and left. About a mile down the road he jumped out from the back of the seat and I truly lost it mentally. I was screaming, my friend called 911 and held the phone between her legs yelling out directions to the police with out him knowing. She kept telling him "I'm going to drop you off at this intersection in the city at the gas station." He kept telling her no to turn around and drop us off at the apartments. If she would of did that I truly believe I would not be alive today. By the time we got to the intersection the police were waiting and he was arrested. They found 9 grams of cocaine on him. On August 26, I was hired by another police department and he was sentenced to a year in jail for his dope. I wanted the job at the PD so I let the charges of domestic violence go. I didn't want to come in with the baggage of a case in court. He was gone for a year and I was at peace for the first time in months. I had him served with a PPO while he was in jail. I meant business now. I was gaining my self esteem and control back.
By May 24Th of 2004 I got a call that he was released. I had moved to another city and my house was behind another house. You could not see it from the street. I didn't change my silver Honda Passport with smoked out windows. He saw me, followed me and with in a week and a half of his release he was banging on my door and windows yelling let me in bitch.....over and over. I got my gun and shot out the window at him. I called the police and they found him with in a 1 1/2 from where I was living at a hotel room where he was staying with his girlfriend he had gotten back with. They arrested him. Freaky thing about that night was that I kept looking out the window because I felt like something or someone was watching me. My cat was growling at something out side the window all night too. I now believe it was him. He waited till morning when he thought my son had gone to school. I can only imagine what he planned to do with me. This time I followed through with charges and he was sent to prison for Attempt Aggravated Stalking and a parole violation. He was in jail from May of 2004 till July of 2007. I got that call that he was going to be released. Trust me it was not because I wasn't keeping up. I went to every parole hearing and served him with PPO's every year even while he was in jail. I to this day have a PPO out against him and will till they won't issue me one anymore. I carry my gun with me every where and sleep with it under my pillow.
My son who will be 20 and I suffer from post traumatic disorder, we can't sleep at night and if we get to sleep it is only til 3:00 am when we both automatically wake up. "The time the beatings always began." Flashbacks are a common occurrence. However, I have learned to live with it, embrace it and turn it into a positive instead of letting it consume and control me. It is still difficult for my son who still needs counseling and anger management. He hits his girlfriend and she hits him. She is 42 and he is 19 soon to be 20. My heart is broke about this and I talk to him all the time trying to get him into counseling. I will not give up on him, he is my only son, my heart, my soul my everything. I owe it to him to be there for him. I have a lot to teach him still even at his age.
My mistake and poor choice effected him the most. He was just a boy. I couldn't make decisions for my self as a normal thinking person anymore, I was so gone emotionally I could not take care of him and he suffered for it. Children suffer the most in these relationships. My poor baby. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and what he was like before that monster came into our lives and the domestic violence. When he is doing well is when I will, maybe, forgive myself. No body can know this type of pain, the pain of having not protected your child against and from witnessing such violence. My poor baby.....that's all I can say. What I can do is keep talking in his ear telling him to get counseling. Telling him his anger is going to get him killed or locked up. Hoping that someday he will have had enough and do what he needs to do. He has let himself be angry with me and that is a start. I let him know that I am very sorry and tell him it was my fault, he was only a boy and it was my job as a mother to protect him and I failed. He has a right to be angry. However, I also tell him that he is a man now and he has to make his own choices in life and suffer the consequences of those decisions or do the right thing for himself and live a good life. I will support him but he has to make that choice. We will see what happens.
