I didn't even realize I wrote something in March of this year. Its hard to find something to write every day. However, I must say that I did renew the PPO. In fact, in the State of Michigan, if you go before the PPO is expired you can have your current one extended. It saves a bit of time and the person only has to be mailed his/her copy. That is to notify them of the extention.
Ohhhh....the sadest news for me is that my son and I have fallen out. It is so sad. I love my son with all my heart. He is now 19 years old. Almost 20 in a couple of months. Well this is how it all began. (if you haven't read my archives I was involved with a man for about 8 months. I knew the man for several years before that, however, he became violent with us in January of 2003 and it finally ended in August of 2003. It should of never happened period and I take responsibility for my terrible decisions that effected my son and I.) It effected my son severely and he ended up dropping out of school and drinking and later I found out he was doing coke and exstacy and weed. I knew he had been drinking and smoking cigarettes and weed. I called him on it when I suspected it, smelled it and found some stuff that indicated it. He of course denied it and that was that. I tried to get him into counseling, but that did not work. I have always been wrapped up in my own issues and life. I was not a good mother after I was divorced from my husband. I did not know how to live life and make decisions for myself let alone with a child. My priorities were all messed up.
I have told my son I am sorry a thousand times. I feel the guilt and pain every day!!!! Not a day goes by that I do not think about him and miss him. Not a day goes by that I don't pray for him or wish that I could turn back the hands of time to change it all and be the mother I should of been. Well I can't change the past. What I can do is change the future and what kind of mother I am now regardless if he is an adult or not. I am still his mother and have so much I can teach him! Needless to say he moved in with my mother an hour away. A year after that my mother left her husband who was (is) emotionally and verbally abusive. My son moved with her and they got an apartment. My son started staying out all night at this ladies house. (the mother of his friends girlfriend.) We had our suspicions about my son and this 42 year old women. We asked, he denied and life went on. He moved in with this lady last summer. Still not saying anything about the relationship. Well I finally made him confess over lunch one day. I threatened to stand up in the resturant and yell at the top of my lungs my son was boinking a 42 year old women. He knows that I would have done just that and confessed. He then said don't tell grandma and I replied, who do you think told me to ask you? I had to advise my son for the millionth time in his life that we women in our family are not dumb and are hip to alot of things. Well that was that for a while until I started getting phone calls from her stating he was getting physically and verbally abusive. I told her I would talk to him and by no means should she let him be living there if he was hitting her. I told her to kick him out if that was the case. Well I spoke to him he denied it. I, at that moment figured I needed a new stratedgy in trying to help my son. I did not argue with him or anything like that. I simply told him to get some counseling due to pent up anger, anxiety and other issues that was obvious he had. He said he would. I did not lecture him....however, I just tried to be supportive and fill his head with knowledge and stuff to think about. I told him if he did not take care of these issues now it would only get worse and he did not want to be 40 years old (like me) by the time he figured out what he missed in life and what life was all about.
Well after several hysterical, crying calls from his girlfriend (the 42 year old) I was finally advised that she was 7 months pregnant. HUH......YEP!!!!!!! I am going to be a grandma. Well she does not look pregnant. Could it be that its because she has terminal cancer and a tumor in her overy area (somewhere down there) and is on all sorts of medication for that and some for pain as well. My questions are simple....is she even pregnant and if so is the baby going to survive with the illness and medication she is taking? I spoke to her after the last episode of violence. (the first one he got mad and banged his head on the bed post and had to get five stiches) It ended in her with her hand smashed and bleeding. (broken finger) That was the story I got anyway. He says she is crazy and she says he is crazy. I believe my son is violent with her. He does not get off that easy with me. I told him at one point I would (as his mother) if he didn't get counceling I would petition him into the hospital for a 72 hour mental evaluation. (He has yet to do it. There were issues with the insurance thru the state.) Well that doesn't matter anymore anyway...and I will tell you why...during the last episode he called hysterical from my mothers not knowing what to do. I asked him if he felt like hurting himself and he said yes. I told my mom to take him to the hospital. He was there all of five minutes and left. I called this 42 year old women and told her he needed his asthma machine. I then told her that he was on his way to the hospital and whatever when on was not working for them and not to let him back in the house. He needed time to heal from the past and present and get his life together and that was not going to happen if he was living with her. I asked her if she was even pregnant. Yes you heard me right I did ask. She said she was and her 19 year old daughter still did not know. I am flabbergasted at this point since they all live in the same house together and believe she plays as many games as he does. I told my sone the same as I told her. Not to go back and stay with his grandma and get his life together. I was so distruaght. All he could think about doing was getting making the pain he was currently feeling to stop. His solution was to go back to her and talk it out.
Apparenlty she did not like what I had to say and when my son went back they had there own little powwow. Next thing you know I recieve these text messages on my phone from her that I am not welcome and she does not want me to come around. I was like ya all came to me for some help and now that you don't like what I have to say you turn on me. OH well. Keep me out of it from now on. I told my son that she was now showing her true "evil ass" character and not to involve me in their dysfunctional relationship. I was letting the "F" bombs fly. That was not cool at all I know...however, now they were pissing me off at that point and the conversations were not at all productive. I basically told him and her that they could beat and kill each other for all I care but don't call me with the bullshit ever again. Somewhere in the translation of the texting world they said I had threatened her and called her out of her name. She then went and made a threats report with the police. Im happy that I saved all the texts that they and I wrote. Anyone that texts knows that if the text is to long it will stop you and most times the last few words or sentence is left out. They were not reading them in order either. Well needless to say that after she called my boyfriends phone ( I have been with him for 5 years and have lived with him for 2) telling him to get an STD test because I was a slut and slept with the dope man and might have herpes and HIV. I asked my boyfriend what he now thought of this women and he thinks she is just as immature and crazy as I think she is. So do my sister and mother. My mother really can't stand her at all. Not even from the begining! Well after she left that message and my boyfriend informed my son not to be playing on his phone, my man told me to go change my number like I had wanted several days before that.
My mother just spoke to my son several days ago and told him that he had done it now and his support system was gone, I had changed my number and he could not have it. I haven't spoke to my son in about two weeks and it is breaking my heart!!!! I am so sad. My son has never been so disrespectful towards me or called me out of my name. Not even when he held all his anger and frustrations in about the domestic violence.
I truely pray for my son to get better and to make good choices. I pray that he sees the light and we mend our relationship very soon. He is the reason I get up in the morning and take my first breath. I miss my son with all of my heart. He is my only baby and I need him in my life.
