Well today I do not feel as bad as I did yesterday when I got the ticket. I was so upset. It is not the end of the world. I have to work several jobs and am in school full time trying to get my life back together. I have not been able to pay my rent for the month of November and it is now nearly December. So no I did not need to get the ticket and I should of payed more attention. I will for now on.
Such is life....I will just pick myself up, dust my self off and do it all over again.
Tracie
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
Perfect
What is perfect? The fact that I got a ticket today for making a prohibited left turn. $110 for the turn. Beautiful!!!! If it is not one thing it is another!
Sunday, November 27, 2005
surviving the violence
As I reflect back on my life, approximately three years, I see a different person. I look back and ask my self why did I LET him beat me. Why did I let him control me in every sense of my being? Why did I allow him into my life only to destroy everything I worked so hard for? Why did I expose my son to such horrors and guilt? The guilt he feels of not being able to save his mother at 13 years old. Something my baby should have never experienced! Gone was his innocence....Gone was the happiness....Gone was the spark for life and the self esteem that he once possessed. Gone was his respect and confidence in me......Gone were his grades and ability to socialize......Gone is what he is now because he chose to live with his Aunt instead of me.......What he was left with was recurring night terrors, inability to sleep at night......A lot of anger towards me, unable to be alone at night.....Unable to communicate with me.....Unable to trust me.
My son and I are going to be o.k. I am still his mother and he is still my son. He tells me now that he loves me and forgives me. He wants to go back to school where his aunt lives and needs some space. I agree and will not stand in his way to heal. I will not stand in his way to succeed. I will not stand in his way to challenge himself. For once I will be a good mother!
Now I have to work harder to forgive myself. I thought I had....But I still feel guilt at how I was so selfish and exposed him to misery. No parent should ever do that. Each day I tell my self that my son is my life and I made some mistakes that I can not change. Just learn from and don't repeat. I know that I am not alone in these feelings.
I try to control every thing so I don't loose control. Does that make sense? I work one part time job and a full time job while I return to school to work on my Bachelors Degree. Once a week I clean someone's house for a little extra money. I strive to make my life better so I can be a better mother.
Well that is just a little insight about the past three years.
OHHHHHH!!!!!!! The man that beat me went to prison in September of 2003 and I served him with a PPO while he was in prison. In May of 2004 he was released and found me with in a week. He showed up on my front door step pounding on my door and window threatening me. I was a police officer at the time and had a gun. I was terrified. He threatened to kidnap me, torture me and burn me alive if he went back to prison because of me. He had attempted to kill me in the past. He held my gun to my head and sissor's to my chest. He hung me by my neck with his bare hands in mid air and strangled me numerous times until I passed out, he continually raped me. So I say it again....I was terrified and shot at him and called the police. They located him staying in a motel less then a mile and a half from my home. He is currently in prison for Aggravated Stalking (attempted) and violation of parole. I agreed to let him plea to the attempt instead of aggravated. The difference was a few months and my family and I were exhausted. (they came to court with me) Each year I have him served with a PPO regardless if he is incarcerated or not. It is for my protection. They can release him at any time. The scary thing was that the night before he showed up on my door step I could feel someone watching me. I just could not see him. My cat growled at the window all night. I now know it was him.
My son and I are going to be o.k. I am still his mother and he is still my son. He tells me now that he loves me and forgives me. He wants to go back to school where his aunt lives and needs some space. I agree and will not stand in his way to heal. I will not stand in his way to succeed. I will not stand in his way to challenge himself. For once I will be a good mother!
Now I have to work harder to forgive myself. I thought I had....But I still feel guilt at how I was so selfish and exposed him to misery. No parent should ever do that. Each day I tell my self that my son is my life and I made some mistakes that I can not change. Just learn from and don't repeat. I know that I am not alone in these feelings.
I try to control every thing so I don't loose control. Does that make sense? I work one part time job and a full time job while I return to school to work on my Bachelors Degree. Once a week I clean someone's house for a little extra money. I strive to make my life better so I can be a better mother.
Well that is just a little insight about the past three years.
OHHHHHH!!!!!!! The man that beat me went to prison in September of 2003 and I served him with a PPO while he was in prison. In May of 2004 he was released and found me with in a week. He showed up on my front door step pounding on my door and window threatening me. I was a police officer at the time and had a gun. I was terrified. He threatened to kidnap me, torture me and burn me alive if he went back to prison because of me. He had attempted to kill me in the past. He held my gun to my head and sissor's to my chest. He hung me by my neck with his bare hands in mid air and strangled me numerous times until I passed out, he continually raped me. So I say it again....I was terrified and shot at him and called the police. They located him staying in a motel less then a mile and a half from my home. He is currently in prison for Aggravated Stalking (attempted) and violation of parole. I agreed to let him plea to the attempt instead of aggravated. The difference was a few months and my family and I were exhausted. (they came to court with me) Each year I have him served with a PPO regardless if he is incarcerated or not. It is for my protection. They can release him at any time. The scary thing was that the night before he showed up on my door step I could feel someone watching me. I just could not see him. My cat growled at the window all night. I now know it was him.
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